Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style
08-13-2014, 01:59 PM
#21
Registered User
Subject: Why People Hate To Attend High School Reunions
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high school.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet
for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required
ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and
boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has
a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's
leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue,
where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second
home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment
banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home
in Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Kansas and grow their
own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his
penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live
in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a
nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They
live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high school.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet
for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required
ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and
boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has
a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's
leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue,
where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second
home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment
banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home
in Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Kansas and grow their
own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his
penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live
in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a
nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They
live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
08-13-2014, 04:07 PM
#22
Two Jews walk into a bar......*
* l hope you're hearing the rest of the joke Robin.
* l hope you're hearing the rest of the joke Robin.
08-21-2014, 07:37 AM
#23
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Lafayette Colorado USA
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Arriving In Heaven
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked, hiding in this cedar chest......"
=
Jon
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked, hiding in this cedar chest......"
=
Jon
08-26-2014, 05:18 PM
#24
A gal walks into a bar and orders a drink
A handsome, well built guy asks to sit with her and buy her the drink
She accepts and one drink leads to another
The guy invites her to his apartment in a very high end neighborhood
They share another drink and the guy asks her if she wants a tour of his apartment
She accepts and when they get to his bedroom she is surprised to see one wall filled with teddy bears
There are small bears on the bottom shelf, medium sized bears on the middle shelf and large teddy bears on the top shelf
She thinks, what a sensitive guy he is even though he is very masculine and well built
He kisses her and they make passionate love all night
She awakes in the morning next to him and thinks that this guy is going to be the father of my children
He awakes and she asks him how he felt about their passionate night of making love
He caresses her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes and says
You may select one teddy bear from the middle shelf!!
A handsome, well built guy asks to sit with her and buy her the drink
She accepts and one drink leads to another
The guy invites her to his apartment in a very high end neighborhood
They share another drink and the guy asks her if she wants a tour of his apartment
She accepts and when they get to his bedroom she is surprised to see one wall filled with teddy bears
There are small bears on the bottom shelf, medium sized bears on the middle shelf and large teddy bears on the top shelf
She thinks, what a sensitive guy he is even though he is very masculine and well built
He kisses her and they make passionate love all night
She awakes in the morning next to him and thinks that this guy is going to be the father of my children
He awakes and she asks him how he felt about their passionate night of making love
He caresses her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes and says
You may select one teddy bear from the middle shelf!!
08-27-2014, 09:05 AM
#26
Arriving In Heaven
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked, hiding in this cedar chest......"
=
Jon
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked, hiding in this cedar chest......"
=
Jon
Has anyone else heard more than one version of a joke with basically the same punch line?
09-08-2014, 02:17 PM
#28
Thread Starter
We need a few good funnies today...
At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."
At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."
09-18-2014, 04:15 PM
#29
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]A guy and a girl meet at a bar……[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]
[/font]
[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.[/font]
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"][/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]
[/font]
[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]The girl has been watching him and says:[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]
"You must be a dentist."[/font]
"You must be a dentist."[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"[/font]
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]
[/font]
[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]
[/font]
[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]One thing leads to another and they make love.[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."[/font]
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]
The guy, now with an inflated ego,[/font]
The guy, now with an inflated ego,[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"[/font]
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]
[/font]
[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]The girl replies:....[/font]
[font="'Comic Sans MS"]
"Didn't feel a thing."[/font]
"Didn't feel a thing."[/font]
09-19-2014, 08:48 AM
#30
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Six Metro stops short of insanity.
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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'