Rules for living in Austin
08-14-2001, 12:37 PM
#1
Registered User
Thread Starter
Rules for living in Austin
I've heard snips of this before, for instance, "you need to drive west on 183/research/anderson lane going north to get there..." and the like. Well, enjoy!
_____________________________
RULES FOR LIVING IN AUSTIN
1. First you must understand that Austin is not Texas,
but Austin is in the heart of Texas. The rest of Texas
is defined by two zones -- the vaguely scary, inbred
country regions, and the extremely scary, urban,
conservative mega-cities. In Austin, we respect both
zones (they are, after all, in the great state of
Texas), but we really don't have much in common with
them.
You may hear us speak disparagingly of other parts of
Texas, but you are not allowed to do the same. The
only thing we hate more than people from Houston
coming to Austin and trying to turn Austin into
Houston is people from outside of Texas coming to
Austin and insulting our state.
2. You should also understand that it is hot and humid
as hell for at least 3 months out of the year. People
in Austin know this, and they don't understand people
who complain about it. The day lasts 24 hours. There
are 7 days in a week. It's hot outside. None of these
things are worth mentioning or complaining about.
3. Austin has some peculiar conventions when it comes
to traffic. First, if there is anything that could
potentially distract Austin drivers, they stop dead in
the middle of the road. If they see the scene of an
accident on the other side of the highway, they stop.
If they see rain, they stop. If there is snow, they
stop and start sacrificing goats. Get used to stopping
on highways. At the same time, you should get over the
idea that drivers in Austin will stop at other, more
appropriate times. Austin drivers will not even slow
down for a pedestrian, even if that pedestrian is
clinging for life to the front grill of their Suburban
Land Yacht. They also will not stop to talk on their
cell phones, and they damn sure will not stop for a
red light that is less than 10 seconds old.
And, of course in Austin, as in the entire state of
Texas, it is against the law to use a turn signal. A
turn signal may distract other drivers, causing them
to stop in the middle of the road, so it is best to
not advertise your intentions to turn or change lanes.
4. If you park your car in Austin, it will be towed.
5. Getting around Austin requires a bit of training.
First of all, it is relatively easy to go north and
south in Austin, but not so easy to get east or west.
And if you are going north or south, the directions
will surely begin with, "Go down MoPac... 'cause you
sure as hell don't want to mess with I-35."
Of course, this rule is changing as more and more
people crowd onto MoPac, so in the future all
instructions will begin with, "Actually, it's probably
faster to just take Lamar." Lamar is a road with no
beginning and no end, and everything is "just off" of
Lamar, so it is just a matter of time before it
becomes a parking lot similar to I-35 and MoPac.
Eventually, a major flood of Shoal Creek will drown
all the people parked on Lamar. We call this "thinning
the herd." There is no point going anywhere during
rush hour, which runs from 6:00 to 10:00 in the
morning and from 3:00 to 7:00 in the afternoon every
work day except Friday (when rush hour starts on
Thursday night and lasts all day). On most days, at
least one driver is distracted by something during
rush hour, which means that everybody has to stop. You
should also make a note that Mopac IS Loop 1 -- they
are one and the same.
Similarly, Capital of Texas Hwy is 360, and Research
is 183. 2222 is Northland or Allendale or Koenig,
depending on what part of 2222 you are talking about.
290 is Ben White, but there are two 290 exits on I-35
-- one of which is 2222 (which, as mentioned earlier,
is Northland, Allendale and Koenig). Don't try to
figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the
intelligence behind this naming convention, people
will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.
6. Austin is effectively divided into two worlds. The
new "tech" people who live "north" of town (north of
183), and the old "true" Austinites who live in the
"middle" of town (although census data will no doubt
reveal that the true "middle" of Austin is now well
north of 183). South of town is hard to describe, so
we'll pretend it doesn't exist, and East of town is
embarrassing to describe, so we'll pretend it doesn't
exist either. North Austin is a plastic, mass-produced
world full of chain restaurants and movie theaters.
The houses are huge, the yards are small, and the
treeless streets have names like "Oak Forest View
Circle."
Central Austin, on the other hand, tends to attract
the granola eating, deodorant-shunning, aging
hippie-types. The houses are small and structurally
frightening, but they are no less astonishingly
expensive, and the businesses tend to be small,
privately owned specialty shops that don't sell
anything you'd want to buy.
7. There is no dress code in Austin. How you look and
what you're worth typically have little do to with
each other here. In central Austin, it is quite common
to see some scruffy, smelly hippie with dread-locks,
tattoos and piercings driving a new Lexus or Mercedes.
People in Austin like to look weird. The woman you see
walking down the drag with the tattoo of a dragon
across her back and the purple hair may be your
child's kindergarten teacher. Your congressman might be a
leather-clad biker. And the girl in the coffee shop
serving you a latte may have a Ph.D. in astrophysics.
Don't judge a book by its cover here. In the extreme,
there is Leslie, who is technically a bearded man, but
who likes to hang out downtown in a teddy, a red thong
and a tiara. Leslie's nuts, but he personifies Austin,
and we're not going to get rid of him.
8. Austin has a love-hate relationship with tech
companies in general and Dell in particular. We love
being progressive, and the tech companies represent
"the future." However, they're boring, sanitized, and
they tend to treat their employees like cattle. Dell
is a nasty machine that uses people like a lubricant,
grinding them up and cleaning them out when they get
messy or inconvenient. People in Austin are beginning
to have a sneaking suspicion that Orson Wells was
right about everything except the date.
9. Austinites are largely a bunch of tree-hugging
environmentalists. For example, we're strangely and
frighteningly proud of our bats. In the summer, the
Congress Avenue Bridge is reminiscent of a Hitchcock
film, but Austinites flock down there every night to
see the show up close and personal. We have a statue
devoted to the bats, and we named our hockey team
after them (yes, we have a hockey team). The bats
rule. As does our salamander. At one time,
money-grubbing developers (Freeport-MacMoRan mostly)
were building irresponsibly along Barton Creek, and
because the bastards (may they rot in hell) couldn't
be bothered with things like proper sewage drainage,
our beloved swimming hole, Barton Springs Pool, was
being polluted with the sewage from Barton Creek
Development residents. Most of the city council and
the Texas legislature were in the pockets of the
festering scumbag developers, so it was necessary to
bring out the big guns -- the Barton Creek Salamander,
an endangered species that was being threatened by the
development sludge. For some reason, in Texas it is
okay to make your citizens swim in crap, but it is
illegal to make salamanders do so.
10. And of course, there is music. Austin is the
"music capital of the world." We have a shrine for Stevie Ray
Vaughn down on Town Lake (yes, it's a lake -- it looks
like a river to you, but it's a lake); pay your
respects if you come to town. While you're at it,
swing by Threadgills and pay your respects to the
memory of Janis Joplin, and drop by Antone's and pay
your respects to the memory of Clifford Antone. He's
not dead, but he's in a Texas prison on drug
trafficking charges, and that may be just as bad.
WELCOME TO AUSTIN!!!
_____________________________
RULES FOR LIVING IN AUSTIN
1. First you must understand that Austin is not Texas,
but Austin is in the heart of Texas. The rest of Texas
is defined by two zones -- the vaguely scary, inbred
country regions, and the extremely scary, urban,
conservative mega-cities. In Austin, we respect both
zones (they are, after all, in the great state of
Texas), but we really don't have much in common with
them.
You may hear us speak disparagingly of other parts of
Texas, but you are not allowed to do the same. The
only thing we hate more than people from Houston
coming to Austin and trying to turn Austin into
Houston is people from outside of Texas coming to
Austin and insulting our state.
2. You should also understand that it is hot and humid
as hell for at least 3 months out of the year. People
in Austin know this, and they don't understand people
who complain about it. The day lasts 24 hours. There
are 7 days in a week. It's hot outside. None of these
things are worth mentioning or complaining about.
3. Austin has some peculiar conventions when it comes
to traffic. First, if there is anything that could
potentially distract Austin drivers, they stop dead in
the middle of the road. If they see the scene of an
accident on the other side of the highway, they stop.
If they see rain, they stop. If there is snow, they
stop and start sacrificing goats. Get used to stopping
on highways. At the same time, you should get over the
idea that drivers in Austin will stop at other, more
appropriate times. Austin drivers will not even slow
down for a pedestrian, even if that pedestrian is
clinging for life to the front grill of their Suburban
Land Yacht. They also will not stop to talk on their
cell phones, and they damn sure will not stop for a
red light that is less than 10 seconds old.
And, of course in Austin, as in the entire state of
Texas, it is against the law to use a turn signal. A
turn signal may distract other drivers, causing them
to stop in the middle of the road, so it is best to
not advertise your intentions to turn or change lanes.
4. If you park your car in Austin, it will be towed.
5. Getting around Austin requires a bit of training.
First of all, it is relatively easy to go north and
south in Austin, but not so easy to get east or west.
And if you are going north or south, the directions
will surely begin with, "Go down MoPac... 'cause you
sure as hell don't want to mess with I-35."
Of course, this rule is changing as more and more
people crowd onto MoPac, so in the future all
instructions will begin with, "Actually, it's probably
faster to just take Lamar." Lamar is a road with no
beginning and no end, and everything is "just off" of
Lamar, so it is just a matter of time before it
becomes a parking lot similar to I-35 and MoPac.
Eventually, a major flood of Shoal Creek will drown
all the people parked on Lamar. We call this "thinning
the herd." There is no point going anywhere during
rush hour, which runs from 6:00 to 10:00 in the
morning and from 3:00 to 7:00 in the afternoon every
work day except Friday (when rush hour starts on
Thursday night and lasts all day). On most days, at
least one driver is distracted by something during
rush hour, which means that everybody has to stop. You
should also make a note that Mopac IS Loop 1 -- they
are one and the same.
Similarly, Capital of Texas Hwy is 360, and Research
is 183. 2222 is Northland or Allendale or Koenig,
depending on what part of 2222 you are talking about.
290 is Ben White, but there are two 290 exits on I-35
-- one of which is 2222 (which, as mentioned earlier,
is Northland, Allendale and Koenig). Don't try to
figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the
intelligence behind this naming convention, people
will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.
6. Austin is effectively divided into two worlds. The
new "tech" people who live "north" of town (north of
183), and the old "true" Austinites who live in the
"middle" of town (although census data will no doubt
reveal that the true "middle" of Austin is now well
north of 183). South of town is hard to describe, so
we'll pretend it doesn't exist, and East of town is
embarrassing to describe, so we'll pretend it doesn't
exist either. North Austin is a plastic, mass-produced
world full of chain restaurants and movie theaters.
The houses are huge, the yards are small, and the
treeless streets have names like "Oak Forest View
Circle."
Central Austin, on the other hand, tends to attract
the granola eating, deodorant-shunning, aging
hippie-types. The houses are small and structurally
frightening, but they are no less astonishingly
expensive, and the businesses tend to be small,
privately owned specialty shops that don't sell
anything you'd want to buy.
7. There is no dress code in Austin. How you look and
what you're worth typically have little do to with
each other here. In central Austin, it is quite common
to see some scruffy, smelly hippie with dread-locks,
tattoos and piercings driving a new Lexus or Mercedes.
People in Austin like to look weird. The woman you see
walking down the drag with the tattoo of a dragon
across her back and the purple hair may be your
child's kindergarten teacher. Your congressman might be a
leather-clad biker. And the girl in the coffee shop
serving you a latte may have a Ph.D. in astrophysics.
Don't judge a book by its cover here. In the extreme,
there is Leslie, who is technically a bearded man, but
who likes to hang out downtown in a teddy, a red thong
and a tiara. Leslie's nuts, but he personifies Austin,
and we're not going to get rid of him.
8. Austin has a love-hate relationship with tech
companies in general and Dell in particular. We love
being progressive, and the tech companies represent
"the future." However, they're boring, sanitized, and
they tend to treat their employees like cattle. Dell
is a nasty machine that uses people like a lubricant,
grinding them up and cleaning them out when they get
messy or inconvenient. People in Austin are beginning
to have a sneaking suspicion that Orson Wells was
right about everything except the date.
9. Austinites are largely a bunch of tree-hugging
environmentalists. For example, we're strangely and
frighteningly proud of our bats. In the summer, the
Congress Avenue Bridge is reminiscent of a Hitchcock
film, but Austinites flock down there every night to
see the show up close and personal. We have a statue
devoted to the bats, and we named our hockey team
after them (yes, we have a hockey team). The bats
rule. As does our salamander. At one time,
money-grubbing developers (Freeport-MacMoRan mostly)
were building irresponsibly along Barton Creek, and
because the bastards (may they rot in hell) couldn't
be bothered with things like proper sewage drainage,
our beloved swimming hole, Barton Springs Pool, was
being polluted with the sewage from Barton Creek
Development residents. Most of the city council and
the Texas legislature were in the pockets of the
festering scumbag developers, so it was necessary to
bring out the big guns -- the Barton Creek Salamander,
an endangered species that was being threatened by the
development sludge. For some reason, in Texas it is
okay to make your citizens swim in crap, but it is
illegal to make salamanders do so.
10. And of course, there is music. Austin is the
"music capital of the world." We have a shrine for Stevie Ray
Vaughn down on Town Lake (yes, it's a lake -- it looks
like a river to you, but it's a lake); pay your
respects if you come to town. While you're at it,
swing by Threadgills and pay your respects to the
memory of Janis Joplin, and drop by Antone's and pay
your respects to the memory of Clifford Antone. He's
not dead, but he's in a Texas prison on drug
trafficking charges, and that may be just as bad.
WELCOME TO AUSTIN!!!
08-14-2001, 12:43 PM
#2
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You forgot some:
11. You must be gay or open to the idea of a 3-way with your partner and another member of your own gender.
12. You must be a liberal or open to the idea that if Al Gore had just won his home state, the US would be in much better shape.
Mark
P.S. - I am still trying to move there. These aren't meant to be offensive. Just based on my perceptions/experiences.
11. You must be gay or open to the idea of a 3-way with your partner and another member of your own gender.
12. You must be a liberal or open to the idea that if Al Gore had just won his home state, the US would be in much better shape.
Mark
P.S. - I am still trying to move there. These aren't meant to be offensive. Just based on my perceptions/experiences.
).
08-14-2001, 08:18 PM
#4
Registered User
Thread Starter
One of the Ferrari guys threw it over to me earlier today. He was about to move to Austin but then didn't.
Ferrari meet & drive in Austin...soon...very soon! =D awe yea! *eyes getting bigger*
Ferrari meet & drive in Austin...soon...very soon! =D awe yea! *eyes getting bigger*
08-14-2001, 09:23 PM
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Originally posted by Schatten
10. And of course, there is music. Austin is the "music capital of the world." We have a shrine for Stevie Ray Vaughn down on Town Lake (yes, it's a lake -- it looks like a river to you, but it's a lake)...
10. And of course, there is music. Austin is the "music capital of the world." We have a shrine for Stevie Ray Vaughn down on Town Lake (yes, it's a lake -- it looks like a river to you, but it's a lake)...
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Schatten
[B]Ferrari meet & drive in Austin...soon...very soon!
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08-15-2001, 08:33 AM
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Hey Sondra-
And he think's that picture makes a mockery of Stevie Ray. If he only knew.
Jeez, Schatten. It's not like Eric Clapton's copter flew into a mountain.
And he think's that picture makes a mockery of Stevie Ray. If he only knew.
Jeez, Schatten. It's not like Eric Clapton's copter flew into a mountain.
08-15-2001, 09:20 AM
#9
Banned
I'm with Schatten on this one. Being a native Texan and proud Austinite, I was deeply saddened by SRV's passing. He had an amazing story and made some of the most amazing music I have ever had the pleasure of listening to. It strikes me deeply also that he was struck down so senselessly and in the prime of his life.
I know Gregg and know that he didn't mean it to be offensive, but to a Texan who loves music, it strikes me at least being in poor taste...
I know Gregg and know that he didn't mean it to be offensive, but to a Texan who loves music, it strikes me at least being in poor taste...
08-15-2001, 09:51 AM
#10
Registered User
I've actually shown this thread to several other native Texans who not only found the humor in it, they didn't understand the BFD over the horror inflicted by suggesting that SRV was just a guy with a guitar.
Please..... lighten up!
Please..... lighten up!
