Australia Day
01-21-2004, 02:33 PM
#1
Moderator
Thread Starter
Australia Day
WE ARE ONE
We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody well like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And then there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes and there's also Canberra. Enough said!
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise in fact that we leap for joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tell us that Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party - albeit a redneck gun toting one - can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning.
And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union[sic], AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe.
Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards or cameras, but pens chained to the desk.
Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.
I am, you are, we are Australian!
P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!
HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY
We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody well like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And then there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes and there's also Canberra. Enough said!
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise in fact that we leap for joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tell us that Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party - albeit a redneck gun toting one - can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning.
And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union[sic], AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe.
Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards or cameras, but pens chained to the desk.
Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.
I am, you are, we are Australian!
P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!
HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY
Trending Topics
01-22-2004, 06:56 PM
#8
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Berkshire County
Posts: 53
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Whew,
Speaking as a yank about to visit Sydney for the first time. I will take your words to heart and try my best to stick out like a sore thumb. There is nothing more well loved around the world than a loud, drunk, obxnious, self-important American (I can get around quite a bit).
It's good to know Aussies are just like the folks in the small town I come from where right now the tempature is a balmy -40 degrees.
Strange, drunk and friendly or at least too busy killing each other in sport for me to have to worry. I'm sure I'll have a grand time!
If there are any S events between Feb 13 - March 10 in the Sydney area drop a line so I can see what a wrong side drive S2000 looks like...
ps. I want to make sure to try Dexter and Sinister. I assume the local McDonalds will have these guys on the menu?
Speaking as a yank about to visit Sydney for the first time. I will take your words to heart and try my best to stick out like a sore thumb. There is nothing more well loved around the world than a loud, drunk, obxnious, self-important American (I can get around quite a bit).
It's good to know Aussies are just like the folks in the small town I come from where right now the tempature is a balmy -40 degrees.
Strange, drunk and friendly or at least too busy killing each other in sport for me to have to worry. I'm sure I'll have a grand time!
If there are any S events between Feb 13 - March 10 in the Sydney area drop a line so I can see what a wrong side drive S2000 looks like...
ps. I want to make sure to try Dexter and Sinister. I assume the local McDonalds will have these guys on the menu?
01-22-2004, 07:52 PM
#9
Moderator
Thread Starter
There will be at least one HSCC club drive at the end of February. I can't make it as I've got two weddings to go to but I can put you in contact with the right people.
There's also some possibility of a skid pan day on 7 Feb, and track days on 11 Feb and 2 Mar. I'm sure visitors will be welcome at all.
There's also some possibility of a skid pan day on 7 Feb, and track days on 11 Feb and 2 Mar. I'm sure visitors will be welcome at all.
