The 2007 Darwin Awards
07-07-2007, 10:19 AM
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The 2007 Darwin Awards
Yes - They are finally out again. THE 2007 DARWIN AWARDS
In case you don't know the Darwin Awards are an annual honour given to
the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free
soda out of it.
And the nominees this year, in reverse order, are: ..........
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home
dead of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2"
tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white
bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that
he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also
wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a
rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was
connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 30" long and 3" in
diameter. The tube's other end was, for reasons unknown, inserted
into his rectum and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the
task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his
family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own
aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with
their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus
straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County
police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other
end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord
that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle
and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of
death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and
a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a
ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in West Texas noticed the
smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to
three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright'
by his peers.
AND THE WINNER.....(ouch....)
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local
golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad
mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his balls
in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante
by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's balls in place,
thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately
passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for him, the height of the ball washer was more than a
foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance,
and his balls were the weakest link. Sanchez's balls ripped open
during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and
remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed
and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and
the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke
a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and
was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for
surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it.
In case you don't know the Darwin Awards are an annual honour given to
the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free
soda out of it.
And the nominees this year, in reverse order, are: ..........
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home
dead of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2"
tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white
bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that
he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also
wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a
rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was
connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 30" long and 3" in
diameter. The tube's other end was, for reasons unknown, inserted
into his rectum and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the
task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his
family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own
aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with
their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus
straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County
police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other
end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord
that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle
and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of
death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and
a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a
ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in West Texas noticed the
smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to
three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright'
by his peers.
AND THE WINNER.....(ouch....)
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local
golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad
mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his balls
in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante
by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's balls in place,
thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately
passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for him, the height of the ball washer was more than a
foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance,
and his balls were the weakest link. Sanchez's balls ripped open
during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and
remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed
and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and
the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke
a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and
was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for
surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it.
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07-08-2007, 03:15 AM
#8
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07-08-2007, 05:04 AM
#9
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ben what the hell are you doing awake at this time the only reason to be awake this early is cuz your waiting for strength to go the third or fourth round with YA KNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
pimp it yo
pimp it yo
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