Rules of the Road Florida edition
10-19-2012, 11:46 AM
#1
Thread Starter
Rules of the Road Florida edition
Since apparently many drivers seem to think they're special and want to go against the mold here in Florida, I've decided to write a list of de facto driving rules for you to learn from and obey:
1. If on the Interstate, Highway or State road, always make sure to go whatever speed you want in the fast lane. Despite the objections of the losers behind you, going 45 MPH in the fastest lanes is perfectly fine: you're saving gas and being safe. Plus, it's America, you've got freedom and stuff. If they hate it so much, they can just pass you. On the right.
2. If you want to go fast, never pass on the left. Instead, always pass on the right: any cars trying to merge into faster lanes will have to wait for you or avoid you because you're king of the road and quite frankly, f@#k them, right? If you're in a Prius, make sure to go 100+ MPH in the slow lanes: this will allow you to pass the idiots in the fast lane even quicker and will also show everyone in the slow lanes that they need to be more like you while they get the hell out of your way.
3. Is someone signaling that they are trying to merge into a lane and they're waiting for you to pass by, especially in dangerous slow traffic? Don't let them. Speed up and get close to their rear quarter panel or next to them so they can't. Then maintain an evenly matched speed with them: this will ensure that you maintain control of your lane and assert your dominance. Plus, think of how funny it will be if they're watching you while trying to merge and accidentally rear-end the car in front of them! Hi-iiilarious.
4. On the flip side, do you see someone coming up quickly behind you on either side but you want to be in that lane? Lazily merge in front of them with no signal. If they honk at you or flash their high beams, they are just trying to say hello: you should slam on your brakes in front of them or run them off the road. If they try to get away from you, chase them down and try to get back in front of them so you can brake-check them repeatedly and when they try to pass, force them off the road. It's extra effective if your car is larger than theirs, plus you'll show them who is king of the road.
5. Is a motorcyclist trying to lane-share with you or pass you in your lane? DO NOT move to the side. Always make them work hard to pass you. Open your door if needed, that will ensure a surprise from the biker. Besides, they are a bunch of dirty greaseballs who can't afford a car and drive suicidal vehicles. They'll probably die 5 minutes up the road anyways. You pay more to drive so you're priviledged; make sure they know that.
6. Is everyone going too slow for you but you see open spaces around you? Learn to weave in and out of lanes aggressively: this will show other drivers that you are shaving time off of your drive and are more efficient than they are, so maybe they'll speed up. They will also have to pay attention to you otherwise those idiots will hit you while you're artfully dodging through the herd.
7.While driving on the interstate, do not look at the signs to make sure you know where you are headed, it is not important. When you discover your exit is approacing in 200 feet simply cut from the Fats lant to the exit in 1 swift dart across traffic. Looking is only going to slow you down and that is not the intent, it is exiting as fast as possible.
8. Has someone barely managed to avoid hitting you while you were asserting road dominance? Begin tail-gating them, honking, and throw angry gestures at them. Swerve at them a couple times too. f@#k them, they should know better.
9. Need more comfort while driving? Put your seat back far enough that your feet barely reach the pedals, tilt the chair in a 60-90 degree angle ("gangster lean") and keep one hand barely on the wheel at all times. Crank your music so loud that your "music" rattles the cars around you and they can not hear their own music. If anyone looks at you with a silly look show them a signal of appreciation, the finger usually works well, and kick back. No need to be alert, this is your time to be relaxed and be cool. Chicks will dig your suave driving style, even though they can barely see your handsome face behind the side pillar of the car. Make sure to roll down the window and smoke a cigarette for extra effect.
10. Are you driving along with no one in front of you but a car behind you and realize you're going too fast? Don't let off the gas and slow down by coasting... instead, repeatedly tap your brakes: this will slow you down faster. It will also confuse the other driver behind you and force them to hit their brakes too. Don't worry though, they just don't understand that you're smarter than they are.
11. Are you in slow moving or nearly-stopped traffic? Make sure to tail-gate the driver in front of you and accelerate as aggressively as possible whenever there is a gap between you. Don't worry about having to slam your brakes every 15 feet: you will feel the rush of torque in your bad-ass SUV/sedan and other drivers will recognize that you don't give a f@#k about saving gas or being patient.
12. Want easy, free money? Someone pissed you off? Get in front of them and brake-check them repeatedly, or even slam your brakes hard. Make sure it's a somewhat nice and new car so that when they rear-end you and end up having to pay you out (due to rear-end collisions being 90-100% at-fault for the person who did the rear-ending in Florida) you can collect a fat check. Also complain that your neck really hurts, your back is now sore and that you pissed out a little blood due to potential internal bleeding. Why? Another check of course!
13. Just rear-ended someone? Quick! Drive off! The other driver should be in shock so if you're clever and quick, you can merge into a further lane before they get your license plate and get the hell out of Dodge. If you have to, drive on the shoulder of the freeway if that's the only route of escape.
14. If you are 112 years old and 90% blind you are the perfect candidate for Florida. Your long term driving skills mean you know the roads like the back of your hand and really have no need to see where your going since you have driven these roads so much. You already have a good idea of the direction of the road when that changes and your quik reflex's mean you are on top of it. There is no need to use your glasses to see where your headed since you have the curb as a reminder.
15. Rain Rule; if it is raining just enought to have a tiny bit of water on the road there is no need to avoid hydroplaning on slick oil. Drive as fast as you can, this will keep the water from sitting on the car, it blows it all off. Driving faster also keeps your tires hot for better traction. If it begins to rain harder leave your lights off, the rain causes the light to reflect and can make it harder to see. If it is really pouring down then you should stop, complete stop in the lane you are driving in. This is how you let everyone else know the conditions are not safe. Don't forget to use your four way flashers.
Well everyone, now you know how to drive in Sunny Florida. These subtle nuances were probably lost on many of you previously, but now you'll be that much more of a bad-ass while driving in Florida. Control the other drivers or they'll control YOU!
COPIED from DISCUSIPATED
1. If on the Interstate, Highway or State road, always make sure to go whatever speed you want in the fast lane. Despite the objections of the losers behind you, going 45 MPH in the fastest lanes is perfectly fine: you're saving gas and being safe. Plus, it's America, you've got freedom and stuff. If they hate it so much, they can just pass you. On the right.
2. If you want to go fast, never pass on the left. Instead, always pass on the right: any cars trying to merge into faster lanes will have to wait for you or avoid you because you're king of the road and quite frankly, f@#k them, right? If you're in a Prius, make sure to go 100+ MPH in the slow lanes: this will allow you to pass the idiots in the fast lane even quicker and will also show everyone in the slow lanes that they need to be more like you while they get the hell out of your way.
3. Is someone signaling that they are trying to merge into a lane and they're waiting for you to pass by, especially in dangerous slow traffic? Don't let them. Speed up and get close to their rear quarter panel or next to them so they can't. Then maintain an evenly matched speed with them: this will ensure that you maintain control of your lane and assert your dominance. Plus, think of how funny it will be if they're watching you while trying to merge and accidentally rear-end the car in front of them! Hi-iiilarious.
4. On the flip side, do you see someone coming up quickly behind you on either side but you want to be in that lane? Lazily merge in front of them with no signal. If they honk at you or flash their high beams, they are just trying to say hello: you should slam on your brakes in front of them or run them off the road. If they try to get away from you, chase them down and try to get back in front of them so you can brake-check them repeatedly and when they try to pass, force them off the road. It's extra effective if your car is larger than theirs, plus you'll show them who is king of the road.
5. Is a motorcyclist trying to lane-share with you or pass you in your lane? DO NOT move to the side. Always make them work hard to pass you. Open your door if needed, that will ensure a surprise from the biker. Besides, they are a bunch of dirty greaseballs who can't afford a car and drive suicidal vehicles. They'll probably die 5 minutes up the road anyways. You pay more to drive so you're priviledged; make sure they know that.
6. Is everyone going too slow for you but you see open spaces around you? Learn to weave in and out of lanes aggressively: this will show other drivers that you are shaving time off of your drive and are more efficient than they are, so maybe they'll speed up. They will also have to pay attention to you otherwise those idiots will hit you while you're artfully dodging through the herd.
7.While driving on the interstate, do not look at the signs to make sure you know where you are headed, it is not important. When you discover your exit is approacing in 200 feet simply cut from the Fats lant to the exit in 1 swift dart across traffic. Looking is only going to slow you down and that is not the intent, it is exiting as fast as possible.
8. Has someone barely managed to avoid hitting you while you were asserting road dominance? Begin tail-gating them, honking, and throw angry gestures at them. Swerve at them a couple times too. f@#k them, they should know better.
9. Need more comfort while driving? Put your seat back far enough that your feet barely reach the pedals, tilt the chair in a 60-90 degree angle ("gangster lean") and keep one hand barely on the wheel at all times. Crank your music so loud that your "music" rattles the cars around you and they can not hear their own music. If anyone looks at you with a silly look show them a signal of appreciation, the finger usually works well, and kick back. No need to be alert, this is your time to be relaxed and be cool. Chicks will dig your suave driving style, even though they can barely see your handsome face behind the side pillar of the car. Make sure to roll down the window and smoke a cigarette for extra effect.
10. Are you driving along with no one in front of you but a car behind you and realize you're going too fast? Don't let off the gas and slow down by coasting... instead, repeatedly tap your brakes: this will slow you down faster. It will also confuse the other driver behind you and force them to hit their brakes too. Don't worry though, they just don't understand that you're smarter than they are.
11. Are you in slow moving or nearly-stopped traffic? Make sure to tail-gate the driver in front of you and accelerate as aggressively as possible whenever there is a gap between you. Don't worry about having to slam your brakes every 15 feet: you will feel the rush of torque in your bad-ass SUV/sedan and other drivers will recognize that you don't give a f@#k about saving gas or being patient.
12. Want easy, free money? Someone pissed you off? Get in front of them and brake-check them repeatedly, or even slam your brakes hard. Make sure it's a somewhat nice and new car so that when they rear-end you and end up having to pay you out (due to rear-end collisions being 90-100% at-fault for the person who did the rear-ending in Florida) you can collect a fat check. Also complain that your neck really hurts, your back is now sore and that you pissed out a little blood due to potential internal bleeding. Why? Another check of course!
13. Just rear-ended someone? Quick! Drive off! The other driver should be in shock so if you're clever and quick, you can merge into a further lane before they get your license plate and get the hell out of Dodge. If you have to, drive on the shoulder of the freeway if that's the only route of escape.
14. If you are 112 years old and 90% blind you are the perfect candidate for Florida. Your long term driving skills mean you know the roads like the back of your hand and really have no need to see where your going since you have driven these roads so much. You already have a good idea of the direction of the road when that changes and your quik reflex's mean you are on top of it. There is no need to use your glasses to see where your headed since you have the curb as a reminder.
15. Rain Rule; if it is raining just enought to have a tiny bit of water on the road there is no need to avoid hydroplaning on slick oil. Drive as fast as you can, this will keep the water from sitting on the car, it blows it all off. Driving faster also keeps your tires hot for better traction. If it begins to rain harder leave your lights off, the rain causes the light to reflect and can make it harder to see. If it is really pouring down then you should stop, complete stop in the lane you are driving in. This is how you let everyone else know the conditions are not safe. Don't forget to use your four way flashers.
Well everyone, now you know how to drive in Sunny Florida. These subtle nuances were probably lost on many of you previously, but now you'll be that much more of a bad-ass while driving in Florida. Control the other drivers or they'll control YOU!
COPIED from DISCUSIPATED
10-20-2012, 04:55 AM
#3
Recognizing your ability to reflect on this issue, I suspect you are not from Fl originally. I would like to see a German's perspective of FL driving and the unnecessary number of SUVs and 'lifted" trucks in a snow free part of the country. To obtain a driver's license in Germany, one must go through extensive driver's ed and spend a significant amount of money. Germans are excellent on the autobahn. It's a pleasure to drive there. In FL, I hear the driving tests are not much more than a cruise in the parking lot. The lack of enforcement of basic driving rules and the number of unqualified new drivers being issued licenses in the U.S is cause for concern.
10-22-2012, 10:17 AM
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Recognizing your ability to reflect on this issue, I suspect you are not from Fl originally. I would like to see a German's perspective of FL driving and the unnecessary number of SUVs and 'lifted" trucks in a snow free part of the country. To obtain a driver's license in Germany, one must go through extensive driver's ed and spend a significant amount of money. Germans are excellent on the autobahn. It's a pleasure to drive there. In FL, I hear the driving tests are not much more than a cruise in the parking lot. The lack of enforcement of basic driving rules and the number of unqualified new drivers being issued licenses in the U.S is cause for concern.
10-22-2012, 10:28 AM
#7
Thread Starter
Recognizing your ability to reflect on this issue, I suspect you are not from Fl originally. I would like to see a German's perspective of FL driving and the unnecessary number of SUVs and 'lifted" trucks in a snow free part of the country. To obtain a driver's license in Germany, one must go through extensive driver's ed and spend a significant amount of money. Germans are excellent on the autobahn. It's a pleasure to drive there. In FL, I hear the driving tests are not much more than a cruise in the parking lot. The lack of enforcement of basic driving rules and the number of unqualified new drivers being issued licenses in the U.S is cause for concern.
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10-22-2012, 10:31 AM
#8
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10-22-2012, 10:33 AM
#9
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by CenturionS2K' timestamp='1350737722' post='22096765
Recognizing your ability to reflect on this issue, I suspect you are not from Fl originally. I would like to see a German's perspective of FL driving and the unnecessary number of SUVs and 'lifted" trucks in a snow free part of the country. To obtain a driver's license in Germany, one must go through extensive driver's ed and spend a significant amount of money. Germans are excellent on the autobahn. It's a pleasure to drive there. In FL, I hear the driving tests are not much more than a cruise in the parking lot. The lack of enforcement of basic driving rules and the number of unqualified new drivers being issued licenses in the U.S is cause for concern.
10-22-2012, 12:07 PM
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Bigger cities in florida are terrible to drive in. I live in a beach town and people are actually very courteous and surprisingly aware of their surroundings. But yes, I think that we are basically lousy drivers down here and do fine until things get crowded, that is why the big cities are a mess. We do notice when the snow birds come down, the extra people on the road make it tricky for us orange pickers.
This past summer I drove in Italy (amalfi to rome), they are awesome drivers in the city, somehow they are very aggressive but will expect you to dart into traffic in the smallest space so it isn't too bad. The scooter drivers rely on the car drivers to keep them alive, they would die in 15 minutes in the U.S. On the highway, Italians cannot drive one bit. They all drift from lane to lane, some drive at 40 MPH other 80MPH with no reason for any of it.
This past summer I drove in Italy (amalfi to rome), they are awesome drivers in the city, somehow they are very aggressive but will expect you to dart into traffic in the smallest space so it isn't too bad. The scooter drivers rely on the car drivers to keep them alive, they would die in 15 minutes in the U.S. On the highway, Italians cannot drive one bit. They all drift from lane to lane, some drive at 40 MPH other 80MPH with no reason for any of it.