UnkieTrunkie

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
You know the place
well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single morning
It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom
I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Oh yeah
You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ah

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?
I say "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"WHO IS IT?"
They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said

It said
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donuts shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"
I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"
I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"
I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"
I said "You got any apple fritters?"
He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"
I said "You got any bear claws?"
He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"

"No, we're outta bear claws"
I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
(rabid gnawing sounds)
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"
I believe it went a little something like this . . .

Doh
Get 'em off me
Get 'em off me
Oh
No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh God, oh God
Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh God
Ah, (more screaming)

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
Like a constipated wiener dog
And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me
She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseparable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
I said "Woah, hold on now, baby"
"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy
So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
(screaming sounds)
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I! HATE! SAUERKRAUT!

That's all I'm really tryin' to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandary
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place called

Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said "A" (A)
"L" (L)
"B" (B)
"U" (U)
"querque" (querque)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque

The Raptor

It was the third of September
That day I'll always remember, yes I will
'Cause that was the day that my daddy died
I never got a chance to see him
Never heard nothing but bad things about him
Mama, I'm depending on you to tell me the truth
Mama just hung her head and said
"Son, Papa was a rolling stone
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
(And when he died)
All he left us was a loan
Papa was a rolling stone, my son
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
(And when he died)
All he left us was a loan, " well, well
Hey Mama, is it true what they say
That Papa never worked a day in his life?
And Mama, some bad talk going around town
Saying that Papa had three outside children
And another wife and that ain't right
I heard some talk about Papa doing some store front preaching
Talking about saving souls and all the time leeching
Dealing in debt and stealing in the name of the Lord
Mama just hung her head and said
"Papa was a rolling stone, my son
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
(And when he died)
All he left us was a loan
Hey, Papa was a rolling stone
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
(And when he died)
All he left us was a loan"
Hey Mama, I heard Papa called himself a jack of all trades
Tell me is that what sent Papa to an early grave?
Folks say Papa would beg, borrow, steal to pay his bills
Hey Mama, folks say Papa never was much on thinking
Spent most of his time chasing women and drinking
Mama, I'm depending on you to tell me the truth
Mama looked up with a tear in her eye and said
"Son, Papa was a rolling stone
(Well, well, well, well, yeah)
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
(And when he died)
All he left us was a loan, loan, loan, loan, loan
Papa was a rolling stone
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
(And when he died)
All he left us was a loan"
I said
"Papa was a rolling stone
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
(And when he died)
All he left us was a loan"
My daddy was
Papa was a rolling stone
Wherever he laid his hat was his home

UnkieTrunkie

John and Mitchy were gettin' kind of itchy
Just to leave the folk music behind
Zal and Denny workin' for a penny
Tryin' to get a fish on the line
In a coffee house Sebastian sat
And after every number they'd pass the hat
McGuinn and McGuire just a gettin' higher
In L.A., you know where that's at
And no one's gettin' fat except Mama Cass
Zally said Denny, you know there aren't many
Who can sing a song the way that you do, let's go south
Denny said Zally, golly, don't you think that I wish
I could play guitar like you
Zal, Denny and Sebastian sat (at the Night Owl)
And after every number they'd pass the hat
McGuinn and McGuire still a gettin' higher
In L.A., you know where that's at
And no one's gettin' fat except Mama Cass
When Cass was a sophomore, planned to go to Swarthmore
But she changed her mind one day
Standin' on the turnpike, thumb out to hitchhike
Take me to New York right away
When Denny met Cass he gave her love bumps
Called John and Zal and that was the Mugwumps
McGuinn and McGuire couldn't get no higher
But that's what they were aimin' at
And no one's gettin' fat except Mama Cass
Mugwumps, high jumps, low slumps, big bumps
Don't you work as hard as you play
Make up, break up, everything is shake up
Guess it had to be that way
Sebastian and Zal formed the Spoonful
Michelle, John, and Denny gettin' very tuneful
McGuinn and McGuire just a catchin' fire
In L.A., you know where that's at
And everybody's gettin' fat except Mama Cass
Di di di dit dit dit di di di dit, whoa
Broke, busted, disgusted, agents can't be trusted
And Mitchy wants to go to the sea
Cass can't make it, she says we'll have to fake it
We knew she'd come eventually
Greasin' on American Express cards
It's low rent, but keeping out the heat's hard
Duffy's good vibrations and our imaginations
Can't go on indefinitely
And California dreamin' is becomin' a reality

The Raptor

On a warm summer's evening
On a train bound for nowhere
I met up with the gambler
We were both too tired to sleep
So we took turns a-starin'
Out the window at the darkness
The boredom overtook us
And he began to speak
He said, "Son, I've made a life
Out of readin' people's faces
Knowin' what the cards were
By the way they held their eyes
So if you don't mind my sayin'
I can see you're out of aces
For a taste of your whiskey
I'll give you some advice"
So I handed him my bottle
And he drank down my last swallow
Then he bummed a cigarette
And asked me for a light
And the night got deathly quiet
And his face lost all expression
Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy
You gotta learn to play it right
You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done
Every gambler knows
That the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away
And knowin' what to keep
'Cause every hand's a winner
And every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for
Is to die in your sleep"
And when he'd finished speakin'
He turned back toward the window
Crushed out his cigarette
Faded off to sleep
And somewhere in the darkness
The gambler he broke even
But in his final words
I found an ace that I could keep
You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done
You've got to know when to hold 'em (when to hold 'em)
Know when to fold 'em (when to fold 'em)
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done
You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done

UnkieTrunkie

I know it'll still be a while, but I'll have to tell you the funny story of this song and I at a Karaoke bar.

UnkieTrunkie

There's a port on a western bay
And it serves a hundred ships a day
Lonely sailors pass the time away
And talk about their homes
And there's a girl in this harbor town
And she works layin' whiskey down
They say, Brandy, fetch another round
She serves them whiskey and wine
The sailors say, "Brandy, you're a fine girl" (you're a fine girl)
"What a good wife you would be" (such a fine girl)
"Yeah, your eyes could steal a sailor from the sea"
Brandy wears a braided chain
Made of finest silver from the North of Spain
A locket that bears the name
Of the man that Brandy loved
He came on a summer's day
Bringin' gifts from far away
But he made it clear he couldn't stay
No harbor was his home
The sailors say, "Brandy, you're a fine girl" (you're a fine girl)
"What a good wife you would be" (such a fine girl)
"But my life, my lover, my lady is the sea"
Yeah, Brandy used to watch his eyes
When he told his sailor stories
She could feel the ocean fall and rise
She saw its ragin' glory
But he had always told the truth, Lord, he was an honest man
And Brandy does her best to understand
At night when the bars close down
Brandy walks through a silent town
And loves a man who's not around
She still can hear him say
She hears him say, "Brandy, you're a fine girl" (you're a fine girl)
"What a good wife you would be" (such a fine girl)
"But my life, my lover, my lady is the sea"
It is, yes it is
He said, "Brandy, you're a fine girl" (you're a fine girl)
"What a good wife you would be" (such a fine girl)
"But my life, my lover, my lady is the sea"

The Raptor

Puerto Rico
You lovely island
Island of tropical breezes
Always the pineapples growing
Always the coffee blossoms blowing

Puerto Rico
You ugly island
Island of tropic diseases
Always the hurricanes blowing
Always the population growing (¡sí, Anita!)
And the money owing (¡es verdad!)
And the babies crying (¡cállate!)
And the bullets flying (¡eso!)
I like the island Manhattan
Smoke on your pipe and put that in

I like to be in America
O.k. By me in America
Ev'rything free in America
For a small fee in America (¡ándale!)

I like the city of San Juan
I know a boat you can get on
Hundreds of flowers in full bloom
Hundreds of people in each room

Automobile in America
Chromium steel in America
Wire-spoke wheel in America
Very big deal in America
(Ándale, pero suavecito con los chiquititos aquí!)

I'll drive a Buick through San Juan
If there's a road you can drive on
I'll give my cousins a free ride
How you get all of them inside?

Immigrant goes to America
Many hellos in America
Nobody knows in America
Puerto Rico's in America
(¡Ándale Anita!)

I'll bring a T.V. To San Juan
If there's a current to turn on
I'll give them new washing machine
What have they got there to keep clean?

I like the shores of America
Comfort is yours in America
Knobs on the doors in America
Wall-to-wall floors in America (jajaja)

Otra vez, ahora la segunda)
When I will go back to San Juan
When you will shut up and get gone? (¡eso!)
Everyone there will give big cheer
Everyone there will have moved here (¡es verdad!)

UnkieTrunkie

Sit beside the breakfast table
Think about your troubles
Pour yourself a cup of tea
Then think about the bubbles
You can take your teardrops
And drop them in a teacup
Take them down to the riverside
And throw them over the side
To be swept up by a current
Then taken to the ocean
To be eaten by some fishes
Who were eaten by some fishes
And swallowed by a whale
Who grew so old
He decomposed, ooh
Doo-doo
Doo-doo
He died and left his body
To the bottom of the ocean
Now everybody knows
That when a body decomposes
The basic elements
Are given back to the ocean
And the sea does what it oughta
And soon there's salty water (not too good for drinking)
'Cause it tastes just like a teardrop (so they run it through a filter)
And it comes out from a faucet (and it pours into a teapot)
Which is just about to bubble
Now
Think about your troubles
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah, ah

The Raptor

Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night
Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night
Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce

Madman drummers bummers
Indians in the summer
With a teenage diplomat
In the dumps with the mumps
As the adolescent pumps
His way into his hat
With a boulder on my shoulder
Feelin' kinda older
I tripped the merry-go-round
With this very unpleasin'
Sneezin' and wheezin
The calliope crashed to the ground
The calliope crashed to the ground

Well she was
Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night
Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night
Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night
Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night

Some silicone sister
With a manager mister
Told me I got what it takes
She said
"I'll turn you on sonny to something strong
Play the song with the funky break"
And go-cart Mozart
Was checkin' out the weather chart
See if it was safe outside
And little early-pearly
Came by in his curly-wurly
And asked me if I needed a ride
The calliope crashed to the ground

Well she was
Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night
Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night
Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night
Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night
Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night
Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night

Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night
Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night
Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night
Blinded by the light

She got down but she never got tight
She's gonna make it through the night

UnkieTrunkie

Electronic drums and synthesizers
Angular haircuts and black eyeliner
We'll start a new wave band
And then I'll make you mine
You'll play the keyboards
And everything will be alright
We'll show the soc's
We'll show the jocks
We'll show the heshers
We can't be stopped
Come on Vivian
Put your glasses on
Yeah you've gone away to med school
And I'm goin' out of my mind
Flock of Seagulls really busted out
Haysi Fantayzee made all of the kids shout
We've got a microphone and its made out of plastic
We've got a show tonight, it's gonna be classic
We'll take on the world and MTV
We'll rock the Math club Christmas party
Come on Vivian
Put your glasses on
Yeah you've gone away to med school
And I'm goin' out of my mind
Put 'em on...
Come on Vivian
Put your glasses on
Yeah you've gone away to med school
And I'm goin' out of my mind