Life Explained
 

definately. haven't seen that in years. =D

lol

The difference between men and women:

When a man looks at a woman he imagines how she'd look wearing no clothes.

When a woman looks at a man she imagines how he'd look wearing better clothes.

:D

THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's
a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to
his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph

of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add
another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third
paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been
written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be
absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the
paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca -last name deleted, and Jim - last name deleted.


----------------------------------------------------------
STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him
too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.
------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Jim)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17", he
said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No
sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's
cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and

across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed hurriedly
and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from
her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why
must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Jim)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of

miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its

lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth

a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85

million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference
table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow
'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
(jim)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile
tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an
air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Ass hole.
----------------------------------------------------------
(jim)
Bitch.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Wanker.
----------------------------------------------------------
(jim)
slut.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Get f*cked.
----------------------------------------------------------
(jim)
Eat shit.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
(jim)
Go drink some tea - whore.
**********************************************
(teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.

that picture is hilarious! :)

this isnt real.....its a myth isnt it????

Ha ha ha excellent :D

why stop at explaining life when you can add the universe and everything for less? 42. It's so much clearer that way...it all just comes together ya know? :D

good pic and good story!

yesterday...I turned the orange nob......

don't try that at home....

you nitwit! You NEVER EVER turn the orange knob!! :)

:rofl:
aint that the truth !!!

hahhahaha :D

:hello: rufio :)

Laughed my ass off.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by AlexM
THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's

[QUOTE]Originally posted by The Unabageler
...42.

LMAO

[QUOTE]Originally posted by traynspotting

HAHA that story was hilarious. :LOL:

Haha, enjoy!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!

Evning classes for men, Starting this month!

- Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.
- Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?
Round-table discussion.
- Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
- Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?
Examples on video.
- Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
Help line and support groups.
- Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.
- Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.
- Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonials.
- Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?
Driving simulation.
- Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.
- Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
- Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

================================================== =

EVENING CLASSES FOR WOMEN!!! OPEN TO WOMEN ONLY! .

Women think they already know everything, but wait ... training
courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1.. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2.. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3.. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
4.. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After the Game.
5.. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6.. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His.
7.. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8.. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
9.. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging.
10.. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
11.. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
12.. Introduction to Parking.
13.. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.
14.. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.
15.. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
16.. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption.
17.. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
18.. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
19.. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.
20.. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
21.. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have.
22.. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
23.. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
24.. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
25.. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

AlexM,

Thank You!!!!! :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

Dear God I needed that. As some of you may know, life for me pretty much blows donkeys right now and that story just about killed me.

Thank you again. Perfect!

Phil.