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Joke of the Day Part II Vintage Style

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Joke of the Day Part II Vintage Style

Old 01-31-2007, 04:12 PM
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Originally Posted by uwimage,Jan 30 2007, 11:21 AM
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised
the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh, wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard
Stern Show."
While sitting in an airport waiting for a connecting flight I was treated to ESPN's broadcast of the World Championship Of Dominos (tape delayed from beautiful Tijuana). It included a segment on how "championship quality" dominos are made. (The dots are hand painted.)

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Old 01-31-2007, 08:59 PM
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A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday
morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared
her soul to the enrapt congregation:

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has
suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off
the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could
have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were
obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible
pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has
trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so
much pain and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our
children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need,
worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He
is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but
slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the
congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum
will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of
this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were
visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I".

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in the
midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in
pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said
to the congregation:

"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is:

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Old 02-01-2007, 11:26 PM
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A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes
down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else,
a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."
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Old 02-02-2007, 09:44 AM
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Only a person in North Dakota could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Minot, North Dakota after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck.
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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Old 02-02-2007, 03:10 PM
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^^^ Try this link. It is nice to know that he has a sense of humor.

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Old 02-02-2007, 11:35 PM
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different.

You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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Old 02-04-2007, 01:00 PM
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Here he is again exhibiting his unique form of public speaking.

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Old 02-04-2007, 07:54 PM
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Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
>>>> The last question was:
>>>> "Name seven advantages of "Mothers Milk."
Question is worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, who had partied late the night before,
was frustrated to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an "A".
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Old 02-05-2007, 07:32 AM
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Useless Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that .)

Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Hey what about that pig??)

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Old 02-05-2007, 12:33 PM
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Originally Posted by PanteraKitty,Feb 5 2007, 08:32 AM
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
I guess my snails are just lazy.
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