Joke of the Day Part II Vintage Style
01-31-2013, 09:00 AM
#1101
Life's Demerit System
...In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)
PROTECTIVE DUTIES
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet Schnauzer. (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-40)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
You give any other response. (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
...In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)
PROTECTIVE DUTIES
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet Schnauzer. (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-40)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
You give any other response. (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
02-01-2013, 06:31 AM
#1102
Registered User
Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
“Breast-fed”, she replied..
“Well, strip down to your waist”, the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.”
“I know”, she said, “I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came”.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
“Breast-fed”, she replied..
“Well, strip down to your waist”, the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.”
“I know”, she said, “I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came”.
02-06-2013, 05:55 AM
#1103
A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?"
Then she went back to reading her book.
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?"
Then she went back to reading her book.
02-08-2013, 06:49 AM
#1105
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Lafayette Colorado USA
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This one came from Cyclefish:
Four guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. He's so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for christmas."
The second guy said, "Damn, thats terrific! My son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift!"
The third man said "Well thats great! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!"
The 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for.
One of the three guys said, "Were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?" they asked the 4th guy.
The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, "Thats a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied. "Nah, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends."
Four guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. He's so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for christmas."
The second guy said, "Damn, thats terrific! My son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift!"
The third man said "Well thats great! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!"
The 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for.
One of the three guys said, "Were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?" they asked the 4th guy.
The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, "Thats a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied. "Nah, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends."
02-08-2013, 08:15 AM
#1106
02-13-2013, 04:44 PM
#1107
This one came from Cyclefish:
Four guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. He's so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for christmas."
The second guy said, "Damn, thats terrific! My son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift!"
The third man said "Well thats great! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!"
The 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for.
One of the three guys said, "Were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?" they asked the 4th guy.
The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, "Thats a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied. "Nah, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends."
Four guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. He's so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for christmas."
The second guy said, "Damn, thats terrific! My son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift!"
The third man said "Well thats great! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!"
The 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for.
One of the three guys said, "Were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?" they asked the 4th guy.
The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, "Thats a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied. "Nah, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends."
:rofl mao:
02-15-2013, 04:21 PM
#1108
Former Moderator
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife...."Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife."Can't you remember about three months ago
when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, ppplease!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"O-over h-here on the sw-swing,"
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife...."Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife."Can't you remember about three months ago
when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, ppplease!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"O-over h-here on the sw-swing,"
02-19-2013, 06:11 AM
#1109
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Lafayette Colorado USA
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This one comes to us from OZ via the Honda Silverwing forum:
Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by
> his attorney.
> Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it
> appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported
> employment
> income.How do you explain that?"
>
> Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."
>
> The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.
>
> I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
> The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
> Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my
> own eye."
> The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"
> Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.
> The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two
> thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
> The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.
> Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.
> The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!
> Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six
> thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and **** into that
> wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in
> between."
>
> The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way
> this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!
>
> Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket
> completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.
> The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge
> win! But then he noticed that Ralph's attorney looked ashen and was
> visibly shaken. "Are you okay?" he asked.
>
> The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty
> thousand dollars he'd **** on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by
> his attorney.
> Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it
> appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported
> employment
> income.How do you explain that?"
>
> Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."
>
> The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.
>
> I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
> The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
> Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my
> own eye."
> The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"
> Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.
> The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two
> thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
> The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.
> Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.
> The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!
> Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six
> thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and **** into that
> wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in
> between."
>
> The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way
> this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!
>
> Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket
> completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.
> The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge
> win! But then he noticed that Ralph's attorney looked ashen and was
> visibly shaken. "Are you okay?" he asked.
>
> The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty
> thousand dollars he'd **** on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
Coooool !!! (from 'geil')