RENDERMAN

Some last minute requests

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."

uwimage

At 85 years old, Morris marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. The woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that the old fellow might overexert himself.

After the wedding festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for Morris to come to her room.

Sure enough, there is a knock at the door and there is her groom, ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and after the main event, Morris leaves while his bride gets ready to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, there's a knock on the door and there's old Morris, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling, after which the octogenarian bids her good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, when there is another knock at the door by Morris, who is as energetic as a 25-year-old and ready for more.

Once again, they do the horizontal boogie. As they're relaxing, the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris looks confused. He turns to her and says, "I was here already?"

AGBLLET

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and
the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve
the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed.
He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe
admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new
shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman
eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? "Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS!

AGBLLET

WHY YELLING AT MEN IS USELESS......




When a woman says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"





What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, "C'MON!
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!"

RENDERMAN

COMPUTER PROBLEMS

Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?
HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.

At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

kgf3076

It was the time Sunday morning for the children's sermon and Pastor Bob called all the kids to come to the altar. One little girl was dressed very nicely and Pastor Bob bent over and said, "That's a very nice dress. Is that your special Easter dress?". The little girl looked up at Pastor Bob and said in her best voice directly into his wireless microphone; "Yes it is my best Easter dress and mommy says it's a bitch to iron, too."

kgf3076

The first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class when she got to the part where Chicken Little tells the farmer that "The sky is falling!"
"And what do you think the farmer said when he heard that?"
Little Johnny (isn't there always a little Johnny?) pipes up and says; "He probably said; Holy shit!! a talking chicken!!"
For some reason, that was the end of the story for the day.

AGBLLET

Eight Words with two Meanings



1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female..... Any part under a car's hood.

Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally

to another.

Male...... Playing football without a cup.


3. COMMUNICATION ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n

Female....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings

with one's partner.

Male..... Leaving a note before taking off on a

fishing trip with the boys.


4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female... A desire to get married and raise a

family.

Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while

out with this one.


5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while

drinking beer.


6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion

Male..... A source of entertainment,

Self-expression, male bonding.


7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.


Female....The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.


8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.



AND;



He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said . . . You wear pants don't you?



He said . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said .... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I

sit on the sofa and fart!



He said ..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave

you?

She said .... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!





He said ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

She said ... They don't have time





He said ..... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

She said .... We don't know; it has never happened.





She said .... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and

Good-looking?

He said .... They already have boyfriends.





She said.....What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every

night?

He said ... A widow.



He said ..... Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said ... Single women come home, see what's in

the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and

go to the fridge.

Matt_in_VA

Boltonblue's comments in the Poll thread about nudity reminded me of this old joke:

A young couple goes to the Hamptons for a weekend at a beach. The house they rent as an sun deck that is off the Master Bedroom and is perfect for sun bathing in the nude as it is high enough that people on the beach cannot see them.

They fall asleep, and he being too pig headed to put on sunscreen gets an ALL OVER sun burn. That night when they go to bed they have sex. Afterwards, he is in extreme discomfort and gets up out of bed and goes down to kitchen to find something cool that might relieve the pain. The only thing that he can find is a quart of milk in the fridge. So he opens the top of the carton and inserts himself into the cold liquid. Just then, his date comes into the kitchen and exclaims: " I always wondered how you guys reloaded those things?"

Palmateer

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by our GYNECOLOGIST customer.

It's a mix of PABST Blue Ribbon Beer and SMIRnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?!"