Joke of the Day Part II Vintage Style
05-16-2014, 07:24 AM
#1251
Registered User
yeah no it's not mine but...
06-08-2014, 04:58 PM
#1252
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who
were born prior to 1945.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh , no not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." And I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
ITS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Have I already sent this to you? Or did you send it to me?
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who
were born prior to 1945.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh , no not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." And I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
ITS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Have I already sent this to you? Or did you send it to me?
Dang Rob.... I seem to do all those toooooooo...!!!!! 
06-24-2014, 07:44 AM
#1254
WALMART INTERVIEW
Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, What is the fastest thing you know of?
The first man replied, A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning. That’s very good! replied Jennifer.
And, now you sir?, she asked the second man.
Hmmm ... let me see A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever
happened ... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of. Excellent! said Jennifer. The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. It's hard to beat the speed of light, she said.
Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Louie replied, After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA. WHAT!? said Jennifer, stunned by the response ...Oh sure, said Louie. You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.
Louie is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, What is the fastest thing you know of?
The first man replied, A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning. That’s very good! replied Jennifer.
And, now you sir?, she asked the second man.
Hmmm ... let me see A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever
happened ... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of. Excellent! said Jennifer. The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. It's hard to beat the speed of light, she said.
Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Louie replied, After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA. WHAT!? said Jennifer, stunned by the response ...Oh sure, said Louie. You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.
Louie is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
06-25-2014, 04:51 PM
#1255
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar; stinking of whiskey, cigarettes and stale beer.
His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Navy F-4 driver, flying off the Attack Carrier Oriskany back in ' Nam , but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy hours,
so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try. The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered at the old man. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. "It's called 'Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You' " he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said, "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it ?", the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it !"
His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Navy F-4 driver, flying off the Attack Carrier Oriskany back in ' Nam , but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy hours,
so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try. The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered at the old man. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. "It's called 'Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You' " he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said, "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it ?", the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it !"
06-29-2014, 01:30 PM
#1257
07-03-2014, 12:33 PM
#1258
Former Moderator
^^^ This belongs in the Politics Subforum. 'Obamacare' is off limits here, whatever one's opinion about it happens to be. Politics also has a place for you to post political humor, ok?
07-03-2014, 06:35 PM
#1259
Two little old ladies, Diana and Linda were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Linda, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'
'You're on!' said Diana, holding up a $10.00 bill.
So Linda slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Linda came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
'What happened?' asked Diana
Won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement.. !'
'You're on!' said Diana, holding up a $10.00 bill.
So Linda slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Linda came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
'What happened?' asked Diana
Won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement.. !'
07-08-2014, 10:20 AM
#1260
Registered User
You are driving down the road in your S2000 on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
I just love happy endings!
Sent from byte heaven
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
I just love happy endings!
Sent from byte heaven