Joke of the Day Part II Vintage Style
12-20-2007, 06:49 PM
#401
My apologies to my Jewish friends, but this was sent to me by a Jewish friend that thought it was quite funny. One has to laugh at the site gags.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=w1uZ_W7atDE
http://youtube.com/watch?v=w1uZ_W7atDE
12-27-2007, 12:40 PM
#402
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Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
01-12-2008, 03:42 PM
#403
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85 year old man was having his yearly physical exam and the doctor ordered a sperm count. He gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked you neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
An 85 year old man was having his yearly physical exam and the doctor ordered a sperm count. He gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked you neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
01-14-2008, 11:59 AM
#404
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Subject: 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. '
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob from next door,' she replies.
'Great!' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story :
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure , why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull . They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
BullSh-t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh--s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh-t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh-t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. '
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob from next door,' she replies.
'Great!' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story :
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure , why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull . They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
BullSh-t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh--s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh-t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh-t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
01-15-2008, 04:14 AM
#405
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Words to Live By
Never argue with an idiot. The people watching might not know the difference.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
When you're laying in bed at night looking up at the stars, don't panic when you suddenly wonder "Where the Hell is the ceiling?!"
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and SMACK the asshole upside the head.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Just remember........if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but giggle when you see one tumble down the stairs.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is buy a replacement.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth of the hole!
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you've just made it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Your mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
Sometimes you'll think you understand everything, then you'll regain consciousness.
A day without sunshine is like.................well, night.
Seen it all, done it all...........can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword..........get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof.............to a sufficiently talented fool.
Everybody lies........but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who think there are two kinds of people in this world and those who don
Never argue with an idiot. The people watching might not know the difference.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
When you're laying in bed at night looking up at the stars, don't panic when you suddenly wonder "Where the Hell is the ceiling?!"
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and SMACK the asshole upside the head.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Just remember........if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but giggle when you see one tumble down the stairs.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is buy a replacement.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth of the hole!
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you've just made it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Your mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
Sometimes you'll think you understand everything, then you'll regain consciousness.
A day without sunshine is like.................well, night.
Seen it all, done it all...........can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword..........get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof.............to a sufficiently talented fool.
Everybody lies........but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who think there are two kinds of people in this world and those who don
01-15-2008, 04:57 AM
#406
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School 1960 ... School 2007
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1960 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school
1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping on the backside.
1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school
1960 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.
1960 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1960 - Ants die.
2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
_________________
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1960 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school
1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping on the backside.
1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school
1960 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.
1960 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1960 - Ants die.
2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
_________________
01-15-2008, 06:18 AM
#407
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A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot
Funeral services are pending
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot
Funeral services are pending
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
01-15-2008, 06:18 AM
#408
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A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
01-15-2008, 11:24 PM
#409
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...
it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM."
it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM."
