Joke of the Day Part II Vintage Style
12-05-2006, 03:15 PM
#41
THE STRING AND THE SPOON
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
12-06-2006, 09:46 AM
#42
Sea Shore Mystery
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."
No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife ...........
"Yes" he replied.
"Sally sells 'C' cells by the Seashore."
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."
No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife ...........
"Yes" he replied.
"Sally sells 'C' cells by the Seashore."
12-06-2006, 10:09 AM
#43
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Did you know that today is Monica Lewinsky's birthday? Its amazing how fast she has grown. Seems like only yesterday she was crawing around on her hands and knees.
12-08-2006, 06:40 PM
#44
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Ways to confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
12-09-2006, 05:57 AM
#45
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summer romance
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge
to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and
what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any
reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my
indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without
any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy
while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to
no avail, only the twisted sheets bore witness to last night's
events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic
ravishing, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.......
You friggin' little mosquito ...........
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge
to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and
what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any
reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my
indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without
any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy
while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to
no avail, only the twisted sheets bore witness to last night's
events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic
ravishing, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.......
You friggin' little mosquito ...........
12-11-2006, 04:45 AM
#46
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A rich old bag comes running into the golf course clubhouse screaming, "Oh please help me, I've been stung by a bee!"
The clerk replies, "Calm down, these things happen. Now then, where did you get stung?"
"Why, between the first and second holes," says the woman.
"Well, it sounds like you need to tighten up your stance a bit!"
The clerk replies, "Calm down, these things happen. Now then, where did you get stung?"
"Why, between the first and second holes," says the woman.
"Well, it sounds like you need to tighten up your stance a bit!"
12-11-2006, 04:48 AM
#47
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A LOVE STORY....
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for
days.
All my love,
.....signed:
The Flu
Now, quit thinking about sex and go get your flu shot!
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for
days.
All my love,
.....signed:
The Flu
Now, quit thinking about sex and go get your flu shot!
12-13-2006, 11:49 AM
#48
Living Wills..........be careful in their use
While I was watching the NFL games one weekend, my wife and I got
into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist
in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a
bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass
While I was watching the NFL games one weekend, my wife and I got
into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist
in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a
bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass
12-14-2006, 07:57 AM
#50
Join Date: Jul 2005
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The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked
his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed
"Write that down Mary" said Joseph "It's better than Derek"
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked
his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed
"Write that down Mary" said Joseph "It's better than Derek"