Joke of the Day Part II Vintage Style
06-05-2008, 04:08 AM
#511
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> This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a
> pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of
> Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania This guy's response is
> hilarious, but read State's letter before you get to the response
> letter.
> SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
> Dear Mr. DeVries:
> It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
> Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
> referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
> landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
> activity:
>
> Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
> outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the
> start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files
> shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has
> determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland
> Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
> Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
> 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated
> &nbs p;
> The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
> partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
> flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature
> are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department
> therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this
> location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by
> removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.
> All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,
> 2008.
>
> Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
> that a follow-up site inspection may be s scheduled by our staff.
> Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
> activity on the site may result in this case being referred for
> elevated enforcement action..
>
> We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
> matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
> questions.
>
>
> Sincerely,
>
>
> David L. Price
> District Representative and Water Management Division.
>
>
> Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
>
> Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
>
> Dear Mr. Price,
>
> Your certified letter dated 7/17/07 has been handed to me to respond
> to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget
> Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania.
>
> A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
> constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet
> stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
> supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended
> that you call their skillful use of natures building materials
> 'debris.'
>
> I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their
> dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can
> safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills,
> their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence,
> their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
> >
> These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your
> request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first
> fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
>
> My first dam question to you is:
> (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
> (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to
> said dam request?
>
> If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
> through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of
> all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
>
> (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301,
> Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
> Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
> 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
>
> I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers
> entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
> financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation --
> so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
> Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
> during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a
> natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
> other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
> harassing them and calling them dam names.
>
> If you want the stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please
> contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they
> obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
> unable to read English.
>
> In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
> their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
> and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to
> live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources
> and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect
> the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
>
> So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
> referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
> until 1/31/2008? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then
> and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass
> them.
>
> In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
> environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears!
> Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
> should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers
> alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your
> step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
>
> Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
> contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response
> to your dam office.
>
>
> THANK YOU,
>
>
> RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
> pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of
> Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania This guy's response is
> hilarious, but read State's letter before you get to the response
> letter.
> SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
> Dear Mr. DeVries:
> It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
> Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
> referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
> landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
> activity:
>
> Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
> outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the
> start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files
> shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has
> determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland
> Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
> Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
> 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated
> &nbs p;
> The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
> partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
> flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature
> are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department
> therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this
> location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by
> removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.
> All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,
> 2008.
>
> Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
> that a follow-up site inspection may be s scheduled by our staff.
> Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
> activity on the site may result in this case being referred for
> elevated enforcement action..
>
> We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
> matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
> questions.
>
>
> Sincerely,
>
>
> David L. Price
> District Representative and Water Management Division.
>
>
> Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
>
> Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
>
> Dear Mr. Price,
>
> Your certified letter dated 7/17/07 has been handed to me to respond
> to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget
> Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania.
>
> A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
> constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet
> stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
> supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended
> that you call their skillful use of natures building materials
> 'debris.'
>
> I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their
> dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can
> safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills,
> their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence,
> their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
> >
> These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your
> request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first
> fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
>
> My first dam question to you is:
> (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
> (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to
> said dam request?
>
> If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
> through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of
> all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
>
> (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301,
> Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
> Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
> 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
>
> I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers
> entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
> financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation --
> so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
> Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
> during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a
> natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
> other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
> harassing them and calling them dam names.
>
> If you want the stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please
> contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they
> obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
> unable to read English.
>
> In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
> their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
> and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to
> live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources
> and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect
> the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
>
> So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
> referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
> until 1/31/2008? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then
> and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass
> them.
>
> In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
> environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears!
> Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
> should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers
> alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your
> step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
>
> Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
> contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response
> to your dam office.
>
>
> THANK YOU,
>
>
> RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
06-05-2008, 06:29 AM
#512
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: EstesPark/BocaRaton
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06-05-2008, 08:07 AM
#513
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose?' she asked.
That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose?' she asked.
That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears
06-05-2008, 08:21 AM
#514
Just found these by chance. Brought a smile to my face quite a few times:
NICE TRY
Here are some signs and notices written in English -- more or less -- that were discovered throughout the world.
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm
NICE TRY
Here are some signs and notices written in English -- more or less -- that were discovered throughout the world.
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm
06-06-2008, 11:21 AM
#515
No SEX since 1955 ?
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by
a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
" 1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led
him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in a serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, I hope not;
it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time)
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by
a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
" 1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led
him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in a serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, I hope not;
it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time)
06-07-2008, 11:08 AM
#516
Betty and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their uncle they would bury him at sea when he died.
Their uncle had been a seafaring gentleman, a submariner all his life and it was to be his final wish.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.
They cast off from the San Diego Pier with their uncle
all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto his rowboat
.
After rowing for quite some time, Betty says,
'Do you think we're out far enough?'
Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says,
'No, this will never do -- the water is only up to my chest.'
So they row on some more, and Barbie slips over the side
once again and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by
while Barbie is under water and poor Betty is really getting worried. Suddenly, Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?' Betty inquires.
'Yes, finally! Hand me the shovel.'
Their uncle had been a seafaring gentleman, a submariner all his life and it was to be his final wish.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.
They cast off from the San Diego Pier with their uncle
all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto his rowboat
.
After rowing for quite some time, Betty says,
'Do you think we're out far enough?'
Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says,
'No, this will never do -- the water is only up to my chest.'
So they row on some more, and Barbie slips over the side
once again and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by
while Barbie is under water and poor Betty is really getting worried. Suddenly, Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?' Betty inquires.
'Yes, finally! Hand me the shovel.'
06-16-2008, 05:13 AM
#517
I rear ended a car this morning... I knew it was going to be a really bad day.
The driver got out of the other car and he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!
The driver got out of the other car and he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!
06-18-2008, 04:50 AM
#518
Joan Rivers is a riot...
LONDON, England (AP) -- Joan Rivers' salty tongue got her booted from a British daytime talk show in the middle of its live broadcast.
Rivers used two expletives while talking about Russell Crowe as a guest host on the live gab-fest "Loose Women." She was asked to leave during a commercial break.
The 75-year old comedian said in a statement Tuesday she was sorry for the swearing, and assumed that a censor would be able to "bleep" the words out.
Then she cracked wise, saying the incident reminded her of her wedding night -- because she was asked to leave in the middle of that, too.
LONDON, England (AP) -- Joan Rivers' salty tongue got her booted from a British daytime talk show in the middle of its live broadcast.
Rivers used two expletives while talking about Russell Crowe as a guest host on the live gab-fest "Loose Women." She was asked to leave during a commercial break.
The 75-year old comedian said in a statement Tuesday she was sorry for the swearing, and assumed that a censor would be able to "bleep" the words out.
Then she cracked wise, saying the incident reminded her of her wedding night -- because she was asked to leave in the middle of that, too.
06-20-2008, 05:02 AM
#519
This is from Ashleigh Brilliant, the author of Pot Shots, a daily single panel cartoon, and several great books. I'm on his email list and he sends out some gems once in awhile. Got this one this morning:
[I]Dear Friends,
SERIOUS WARNING: Please read no further if you are in any way offended by vulgarity.
As you may know, I am particularly fond of words and music cleverly put together. The
[I]Dear Friends,
SERIOUS WARNING: Please read no further if you are in any way offended by vulgarity.
As you may know, I am particularly fond of words and music cleverly put together. The
06-20-2008, 11:14 PM
#520
NEW TREATMENT FOR SUNBURN
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'