Matt_in_VA

Gene discovers that a magnifying glass does not work on a computer monitor.

jukngene

...how did you know?

dlq04

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find
inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished.

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before leaving the house this morning,

I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish
Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the
rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now .

tof

Last week I was flying on business. The captain came on the cabin intercom to make some anouncement about the weather at our destination.

Then apparently he forgot to shut off the mic, because a couple seconds later we all hear, "What a flight...I'm ready for a hot cup of coffee and some hot sex."

The flight attendant immediately takes off on a dead run toward the cockpit, obviously to warn the pilot about his open mic.

The guy sitting next to me calls out, "Don't forget his coffee, Honey."

-Goodwill Hunting, slightly toned down for Vintage

JonasM

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'

He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'

She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.

He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile
And said as sweetly as possible, 'T-G-I-F.'

The man smiled back to her and once again, 'S-H-I-T.'

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain....

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, Duuhhh?'

The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday -- Duuhhh!'




(With apologies to our blonde members... )

JonasM

dlq04

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee..

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed
up that there are Tickle MeElmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena
surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
between Elmo's legs.


The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.


'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'


'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Scooterboy

^I love it!!

Tadashi

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there
is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door,
and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and
your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just
on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have
a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss
replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses
in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch
the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the
guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with
the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the
balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a
heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss'
side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony".

The man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

dlq04

A retired couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the

'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash

browns and toast for $1.99.

'Sounds good,' the wife said. 'But I

don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars and

forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la

carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the

eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then.' the wife

said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress

asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' she replied.

She took the two eggs home.

Palmateer

99 WORDS FOR BOOBS

Jugs and orbs and darts and gourds
Elmer Fudds and bouncing Buddhas
Sweater stretchers, lung protectors
Beach umbrellas, frost detectors
Scooby Snacks and snake-eyes dice
Jell-o molds and high-beam lights
Every day I probably use
99 words for boobs

Humpty Dumplings, Hardy Boys
Double lattes, Ode to Joys
Hooters, shooters, physics tutors
Bobbsey Twins and bald commuters
Double-WMD's
MRE's and PFD's
Snow-white dwarfs, Picasso cubes
99 words for boobs

Gerber servers, holy grails
Whoopee cushions, humpback whales
Flying saucers, traffic stoppers
Super Big Gulps, Double Whoppers
Pillows, billows, Don DeLillos
Soft-serve cones and armadillos
Pimped-out hubcaps, inner tubes
99 words for boobs

Midget earmuffs, warming globes
Strobes and probes and frontal lobes
Knockers, honkers, knicker bonkers
Smurfs and Screaming Yellow Zonkers
Tannin' cannons, Mister Bigs
Big bad wolves and Porky Pigs
Jogging partners, saline noobs
99 words for boobs

Two-point jumpers, Bambi's Thumpers
Rubber baby buggy bumpers
Rutabagas, Chi Omegas
Schwag the showgirls show in Vegas
Congo bongos, bowling pins
Fast-pitch softballs, siamese twins
Your claims I'm breast-obsessed are true
We're quite a pair 'cause I'm a boob, too