RC - Ryder

This cowboy knocks on the pearly gates and is greated by Saint Peter. Welcome says Saint Peter; I have a few questions to ask you. After a couple of standard questions, Saint Peters asks the cowboy if he had ever done anything noteworthy to help someone else. The cowboy answers matter of afact that he had. Saint Peter asks him what it it was? Well answers the cowboy, I came upon this biker gang in the Black Hills of South Dakota, and they were giving this young woman a really hard time. I asked them all to leave her alone, but they would not. I walked up to the biggest, meanest looking, with a bunch of tatoos and punched himn right in the mouth; then I tore out his earings and threw them on the ground; then I kicked over his motorcycle. Then I whirled around and stared at the other bikers and told them I would kick the shit out of them to make my point. Wopw, said Saint Peter; I am impressed and that was quite a good thing you did. By the way, said Saint Peter, when did all this happe? The cowboy answers "a couple of minutes ago."

RC - Ryder

The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son...
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him
occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and
starts slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting
for help. A
well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue businesssuit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never
seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
No,' the woman replied. ' I'm with the IRS."

fltsfshr

Now here's an Entrepreneur

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward.. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.




The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Legal Bill

During a password audit by a large company, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:


MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy


When asked why such a big password, she said she was told it had to be at least 8 characters.

RC - Ryder

This is a joke with a morality twist.

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
reading.


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
to find your perfect mate again.


YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS......................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'


HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

Kyras

I copied this from a thread in So Cal...


What's with people sagging their pants?

jukngene

^^^I've often wondered about that! Now I know. Thanks.

RC - Ryder

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/women aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???


According to the Census Bureau:
190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and
1 poor soul is reading forum posts.

You hang in there sunshine!!!!

Emil St-Hilaire

Good old vintage stories

dlq04

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.