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Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style

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Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style

 
Old 07-10-2014, 05:58 PM
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Default Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style

Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style

The previous thread is 1278 posts long and 8 years old! Great lifespan, but painfully long load time. And seeing as this is Vintage and we don't buy any green bananas here, it's time for a new thread.

Post your funnies and jokes here.

(Note: Political or religious jokes go in the Politics subforum.)
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Old 07-10-2014, 07:36 PM
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A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.

The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."

The passenger screams, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"

The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."

She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
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Old 07-10-2014, 07:38 PM
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A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"

"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."

"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"
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Old 07-11-2014, 01:58 PM
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The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again. One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night. It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was. He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn’t seem to remember. Morton picked up the phone and dialed. “Hi Greta”, said Morton, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?” “Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”
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Old 07-11-2014, 04:45 PM
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How To Make A Name For Yourself On The Web:

So I mistyped an account number into a field once in Google Chrome and the damn thing remembers such stuff (has a longer memory than an angry woman!). Every time I go to fill in that field on that site, it shows the mistyped number as my first choice and I invariably click it before I remember it’s wrong and then I get a failed logon. So I Googled “how to remove autocomplete in chrome” and got a GREAT Q&A discussion forum page as the very first result with exactly the steps I needed.

Here is where the funny part comes in. Kayle (the original poster) writes:
Ok... so this is embarrassing.

I typed in "boobs" on EncyclopediaDramatica's search because, well, it's a really funny page.

But now I've got a problem... EVERY TIME I click a search field in Chrome now, it shows "boobs" as the first suggestion in the drop down!

This is not really socially acceptable as this laptop goes with me everywhere and Chrome is my primary browser.

Is there a way I can isolate and remove just that one entry?
And he was given an answer. But the follow-up comments are the best:
Kayle, I bet when you wrote this you didnt think you would show up as the first result when googling "chrome delete autocomplete". Congratulations on forever being the boob autocomplete guy! – Jeff Mar 5 '13 at 15:23

@Jeff This brought me to tears. You can delete auto-complete but you can never stop being the boob auto-complete guy. – George Reith Apr 5 at 12:08

Hah! I really don't mind. I meant to be humorous when I pushed this. I had no idea it would become such a popular question though! – Kayle Apr 5 at 17:38
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Old 07-15-2014, 12:12 PM
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Murphy has been saving up jokes I think. I just had to post this because it could be me. How about you?


Sent from byte heaven
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Old 07-15-2014, 02:29 PM
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Glad my Wifely Unit does not have a gun.



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Old 07-15-2014, 06:48 PM
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Originally Posted by toekneer View Post
Murphy has been saving up jokes I think. I just had to post this because it could be me. How about you?


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I can SO RELATE to that. My wife just says "OMG, you didn't wear that to store, did you? Thank God, I wasn't with you!"
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Old 07-16-2014, 06:52 AM
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How to lose MASSIVE amounts of weight!

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.
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Old 07-16-2014, 07:00 AM
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