Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style
07-16-2014, 09:24 AM
#11
^ good one
07-19-2014, 08:51 PM
#13
Only a Farm Kid"...
When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town" said the boy."How about your brother, Howard, is he here?" asked the farmer."No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant"
The boy thought for a moment..."You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town" said the boy."How about your brother, Howard, is he here?" asked the farmer."No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant"
The boy thought for a moment..."You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
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fredh5062 (04-01-2022)
07-22-2014, 07:27 PM
#14
Thread Starter
Some 15 year old girlfriends decided to meet for dinner. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald's next to the Sea Side Restaurant because they only had $6.50 between them and Bobby Bruce, the cute boy in science class, lived on that street.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 25-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because it had free snacks, there was no cover charge, the beer was cheap, the band was good and there were lots of cute guys.
Jokes About Aging
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 35-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the combos were good, it was near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 45-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 55-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, it had widows which opened (in case of hot flashes), the wine list was good and fish was good for their cholesterol.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 65-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they had an Early Bird Special and the lighting was good.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 75-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the food wasn't too spicy and it was handicapped accessible.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 85-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they'd never been there before.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 25-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because it had free snacks, there was no cover charge, the beer was cheap, the band was good and there were lots of cute guys.
Jokes About Aging
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 35-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the combos were good, it was near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 45-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 55-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, it had widows which opened (in case of hot flashes), the wine list was good and fish was good for their cholesterol.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 65-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they had an Early Bird Special and the lighting was good.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 75-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the food wasn't too spicy and it was handicapped accessible.
10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 85-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they'd never been there before.
07-25-2014, 06:30 PM
#15
What deep thinkers we men are... I mowed the lawn today, and
after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite
beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said
'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is
because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to
explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then
lead to other questions.
Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful
than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that
giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I
arrived at the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is
clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my
conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It
might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear
a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I
rest my case.
Time for another beer.
after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite
beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said
'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is
because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to
explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then
lead to other questions.
Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful
than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that
giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I
arrived at the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is
clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my
conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It
might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear
a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I
rest my case.
Time for another beer.
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fredh5062 (04-01-2022)
07-26-2014, 08:56 AM
#17
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Foothills East of Sacramento
Posts: 5,594
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927 Posts
Dwayne asked Lonnie. "Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our coffee during the Korean War, to make us stop thinking about women?
Lonnie replied, "I think you mean saltpeter."
Dwayne. "Yep, that's the stuff. I think it's beginning to kick in now"
Lonnie replied, "I think you mean saltpeter."
Dwayne. "Yep, that's the stuff. I think it's beginning to kick in now"
07-30-2014, 12:59 PM
#18
Registered User
07-31-2014, 05:43 PM
#19
Registered User
Payback's a ditch...
A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday
A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday
08-03-2014, 01:58 PM
#20
Registered User
Nostalgia…
I know I’m older than most, but when I was a boy my mamma would send me to the corner store with $1 and I’d come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs.
You can’t do that now…there are too many effin security cameras around!
I know I’m older than most, but when I was a boy my mamma would send me to the corner store with $1 and I’d come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs.
You can’t do that now…there are too many effin security cameras around!