Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style
04-16-2017, 06:48 AM
#281
THE WIFE:
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."
The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise controlat 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "
I love this part.......
"Only when he's been drinking."
Levi
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."
The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise controlat 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "
I love this part.......
"Only when he's been drinking."
Levi
04-17-2017, 08:08 AM
#282
Registered User
THE WIFE:
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."
The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise controlat 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "
I love this part.......
"Only when he's been drinking."
Levi
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."
The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise controlat 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "
I love this part.......
"Only when he's been drinking."
Levi
04-17-2017, 03:31 PM
#283
^ TOO FUNNY. Thanks Levi
04-18-2017, 05:26 AM
#284
Two hunters.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone the first hunter says, “OK, now what?”
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone the first hunter says, “OK, now what?”
04-18-2017, 05:55 PM
#285
Two (Insert ethnic origin here) hunters are out deer hunting and manage to get themselves a very nice specimen of a twelve point buck. As they are trying to drag it back to their truck, the antlers keep getting hung up in the underbrush. Another hunter happens down the trail in opposite direction and sees that they are struggling with the antlers in the underbrush and says: Can I may a suggestion that will make that easier? They answer "of course". He states: "Why don't you grab it by the hind hoofs and drag it that way, so the antlers will not get hung up". They thank him and he goes on his way. About an hour latter one hunter says to the other: "That guy was right, this is a lot easier this way". The second hunter replies: "Yeah it is, but we are getting so much farther away from our truck!"
04-22-2017, 03:49 PM
#286
A young guy from Idaho moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
"That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
"That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"
Last edited by JulieU; 04-24-2017 at 06:48 PM.
04-30-2017, 12:38 PM
#287
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Six Metro stops short of insanity.
Posts: 29,143
Received 973 Likes
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
04-30-2017, 12:40 PM
#288
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Six Metro stops short of insanity.
Posts: 29,143
Received 973 Likes
on
666 Posts
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Last edited by kgf3076; 05-01-2017 at 12:42 AM.
05-20-2017, 03:41 PM
#290
We live in Perth, Australia, and the missus decided for the first time
to wear a Burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be.
The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose,
kicked up the arse, and received death threats.
Heaven knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house
Can you spare just $5.00 ?
Ranjitu is a 9 year old boy living in Zambia.
He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to
school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels,
no brakes and only 1 pedal..
If you send us just $5..00, we will send you the video - it's hilarious.
I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.
All he says is, "Good morning you ugly prick."
The parrot isn't yours is it?
I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank.
Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was colour blind.
I'm rather worried now that some of my mates could be black.
If you are, will you delete my e-mail address ?
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.
The question I got wrong was, 'Where do most women have curly hair?'
Apparently, it's Africa.
One of the other questions was to name two things
commonly found in Cells.
It appears that 'Immigrants' is not the correct answer.
You can justifiably say lots of bad things about pedophile’s,
but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a
moustache."
Levi
to wear a Burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be.
The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose,
kicked up the arse, and received death threats.
Heaven knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house
Can you spare just $5.00 ?
Ranjitu is a 9 year old boy living in Zambia.
He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to
school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels,
no brakes and only 1 pedal..
If you send us just $5..00, we will send you the video - it's hilarious.
I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.
All he says is, "Good morning you ugly prick."
The parrot isn't yours is it?
I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank.
Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was colour blind.
I'm rather worried now that some of my mates could be black.
If you are, will you delete my e-mail address ?
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.
The question I got wrong was, 'Where do most women have curly hair?'
Apparently, it's Africa.
One of the other questions was to name two things
commonly found in Cells.
It appears that 'Immigrants' is not the correct answer.
You can justifiably say lots of bad things about pedophile’s,
but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a
moustache."
Levi