Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style
05-20-2017, 09:54 PM
#291
^ OMG Levi, those are so bad...... laughed my ass off! Boy, I wish that would work on my stomach,.
05-21-2017, 03:22 PM
#292
05-21-2017, 06:25 PM
#293
This may have been around before.
A man wakes up in the hospital in traction and bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, excellent, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a very bad accident on the freeway. You were very lucky to have survived. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and they couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to fabricate you a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up."So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you’ve been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What’s your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops and new drapes."
A man wakes up in the hospital in traction and bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, excellent, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a very bad accident on the freeway. You were very lucky to have survived. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and they couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to fabricate you a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up."So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you’ve been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What’s your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops and new drapes."
05-29-2017, 05:39 PM
#294
Registered User
05-29-2017, 06:17 PM
#295
06-08-2017, 08:07 AM
#296
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were alone in the lounge of
their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to
the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have
sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued,"For $10.00 I'll do it with you on that nice
soft sofa over there, but for $20.00, I'll take you back to my room,
light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever
had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts
digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20.00 bill and
holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"
their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to
the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have
sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued,"For $10.00 I'll do it with you on that nice
soft sofa over there, but for $20.00, I'll take you back to my room,
light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever
had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts
digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20.00 bill and
holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"
06-17-2017, 09:44 AM
#297
Registered User
I'll never understand women...
With all the talk of bathroom and bidets, i thought our bathroom was a little small for a standalone fixture.
I did remember that I had an older pressure washer in the garage.
The 45 degree nozzle could be good for general cleanup, the 25 degree for harder jobs and the pencil tip would be perfect for those really tough jobs.
She didn't want anything to do with it.
nope I'll never understand women.
With all the talk of bathroom and bidets, i thought our bathroom was a little small for a standalone fixture.
I did remember that I had an older pressure washer in the garage.
The 45 degree nozzle could be good for general cleanup, the 25 degree for harder jobs and the pencil tip would be perfect for those really tough jobs.
She didn't want anything to do with it.
nope I'll never understand women.
06-19-2017, 06:02 PM
#298
I talked to a car salesman I know. I was trying to get a new car for my wife. But the guy wouldn't make the trade.
06-19-2017, 06:21 PM
#299
From another board. I think it is a joke. Don't really know. Love the: "Just like having a wife," at 1:30. 
[IMHO, nothing offensive. So not sure about Appropriate Age warning]
[IMHO, nothing offensive. So not sure about Appropriate Age warning]
Last edited by windhund116; 06-19-2017 at 06:24 PM.
06-21-2017, 03:56 AM
#300
A smart young computer whiz had a system he wanted to market- but lacked the money to bring it into production. He had arranged a meeting with a businessman he hoped would bankroll his creation.
"So- just what is this?"
"Well, it is the ultimate computer. It has direct access to every known source of information in the world- ask it any question, and get an answer."
"Really? So.... how does it work?"
"Just type in your question, hit return, and the answer will come up on the monitor."
So the businessman types in *Where is my father?* <return> and the screen says *Your father is fishing in Lake Chesdin.*
Businessman looks sideways at the computer geek. "Well, your machine just failed. My father died 10 years ago."
"I don't understand- this has been working perfectly. Look- sometimes it does not like the way a question is worded. Could you PLEASE try it just once more- with different wording?
"OK- one more shot." So he types in *Where is my mother's husband?* <return>
The screen reads *Your mother's husband died 10 years ago.*
*Your father just landed an 8 lb bass in Lake Chesdin*
"So- just what is this?"
"Well, it is the ultimate computer. It has direct access to every known source of information in the world- ask it any question, and get an answer."
"Really? So.... how does it work?"
"Just type in your question, hit return, and the answer will come up on the monitor."
So the businessman types in *Where is my father?* <return> and the screen says *Your father is fishing in Lake Chesdin.*
Businessman looks sideways at the computer geek. "Well, your machine just failed. My father died 10 years ago."
"I don't understand- this has been working perfectly. Look- sometimes it does not like the way a question is worded. Could you PLEASE try it just once more- with different wording?
"OK- one more shot." So he types in *Where is my mother's husband?* <return>
The screen reads *Your mother's husband died 10 years ago.*
*Your father just landed an 8 lb bass in Lake Chesdin*