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Lady sees her blond friend across the creek in the park. Not knowing where the bridge is, she asks her friend, "How do I get to the other side?". Replies her blond friend, "Hello, you;'re already ON the other side."
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit ,Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota.asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold, 'the meteorologist at the weather service responded.So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?''Yes, 'the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?''Absolutely, 'the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.''How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota.asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold, 'the meteorologist at the weather service responded.So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?''Yes, 'the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?''Absolutely, 'the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.''How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.
“I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.”
_____
“I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine.”
______
“I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark.”
______
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
______
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
09-18-2017, 08:30 AM
