Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style
12-27-2017, 08:00 PM
#372
An Oldie but Goodie that I had not seen in a while until it showed up in my email today...
5-Minute Management CourseLesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel..'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and
goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate..
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE?
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel..'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and
goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate..
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE?
01-04-2018, 12:33 PM
#374
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Six Metro stops short of insanity.
Posts: 29,139
Received 973 Likes
on
666 Posts
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library..
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply
embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and
said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I
bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
"The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ...... I`M NOT
PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply
embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and
said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I
bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
"The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ...... I`M NOT
PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
01-07-2018, 05:12 AM
#375
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he Hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked.
He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing.. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?' The man asks.
'Ribbit 3 wood.'
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one...
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,
'OK where to next?'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas ..
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now What?'
The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, 'What do you think I should Bet?'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit KissMe.'
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it..
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.'
_________________________________________
This joke was from batguano (Lee), and had to share.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he Hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked.
He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing.. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?' The man asks.
'Ribbit 3 wood.'
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one...
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,
'OK where to next?'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas ..
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now What?'
The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, 'What do you think I should Bet?'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit KissMe.'
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it..
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.'
_________________________________________
This joke was from batguano (Lee), and had to share.
01-07-2018, 05:46 AM
#376
As long as we're relating golf stories.........
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee, while another foursome of
Women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.
She goes over, swings again and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five
feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,
'I guess all those f---ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'
One of the men responds, 'Well, there you have it... You
should have taken golf lessons instead!'
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee, while another foursome of
Women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.
She goes over, swings again and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five
feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,
'I guess all those f---ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'
One of the men responds, 'Well, there you have it... You
should have taken golf lessons instead!'
01-19-2018, 08:17 AM
#377
Two guys, one old, one young are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that! I'm looking for my wife. I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”The young guy says, “That's OK. What a coincidence! I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?”The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, green eyes, is buxom. Wearing no bra, long legs, and is in short shorts. What does your wife look like?”
To which the old guy says, “Doesn't matter, --- let’s look for yours.”
To which the old guy says, “Doesn't matter, --- let’s look for yours.”
01-26-2018, 07:01 PM
#379
Over the years I have asked this question to a number of females, and never once have any of them answered no.
The question is: If a tree falls in a forest and there is no body there to hear it, it a guy still wrong?
So in the end: What conclusion can be drawn from this response?
The question is: If a tree falls in a forest and there is no body there to hear it, it a guy still wrong?
So in the end: What conclusion can be drawn from this response?
01-27-2018, 05:32 AM
#380
A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane.
The man turned to him and said, “Let’s talk”.
KID: Ok, what do we talk about?
MAN [making fun of the kid]: How about nuclear power?
KID: Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question. Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty and horse clumps. Why?
MAN: I don’t know.
KID: Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when you don’t know shit!?
The man turned to him and said, “Let’s talk”.
KID: Ok, what do we talk about?
MAN [making fun of the kid]: How about nuclear power?
KID: Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question. Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty and horse clumps. Why?
MAN: I don’t know.
KID: Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when you don’t know shit!?