Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style
03-02-2019, 06:07 PM
#462
TRAVELING SISTERS
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling
through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and
are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a
diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and
hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about,
but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What
shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy
Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula
screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the
window and shouts, "Get the f**k off our car!"
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling
through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and
are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a
diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and
hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about,
but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What
shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy
Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula
screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the
window and shouts, "Get the f**k off our car!"
03-03-2019, 06:33 AM
#463
03-06-2019, 02:17 PM
#464
It's TAX season. A little humor is in order.
.................................................. ................
The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.
In response to question DEPENDENTS the man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads,
4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, and 650 idiots in Washington."
On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words:
“Your response to question DEPENDENTS is unacceptable.”
The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note: "Who did I leave out?"
.................................................. ................
The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.
In response to question DEPENDENTS the man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads,
4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, and 650 idiots in Washington."
On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words:
“Your response to question DEPENDENTS is unacceptable.”
The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note: "Who did I leave out?"
03-06-2019, 07:41 PM
#466
Good one Paul
03-12-2019, 10:03 AM
#467
Join Date: Jul 2005
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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, for your reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? "
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, ''professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!"
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on" God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, far more men are riding my invention than yours.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, for your reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? "
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, ''professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!"
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on" God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, far more men are riding my invention than yours.
03-18-2019, 03:45 PM
#469
A woman sued a major hospital claiming that: "After my husband had surgery he lost all interest in sex".
The hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight".
The hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight".
03-21-2019, 03:34 AM
#470
marriage 101
ME: we should do this
WIFE: we should definitely not do that
ME: perfect
ME: we should do this
WIFE: we should definitely not do that
ME: perfect
Last edited by boltonblue; 03-21-2019 at 12:59 PM.