Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style
06-02-2019, 02:09 PM
#482
The Robbery
A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.
He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand
over the jewelry and money.
The man started sobbing and said, "You can take anything you want.
You can kill me also.
But please untie the rope and free her."
Thief: "You must really love your wife!"
Man: "No, but she will be home shortly!"
He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand
over the jewelry and money.
The man started sobbing and said, "You can take anything you want.
You can kill me also.
But please untie the rope and free her."
Thief: "You must really love your wife!"
Man: "No, but she will be home shortly!"
07-08-2019, 11:54 AM
#484
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Six Metro stops short of insanity.
Posts: 29,139
Received 973 Likes
on
666 Posts
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' , the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied .
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
Thanks Joanne.
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' , the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied .
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
Thanks Joanne.
Last edited by kgf3076; 07-08-2019 at 11:56 AM.
07-09-2019, 10:35 AM
#485
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Six Metro stops short of insanity.
Posts: 29,139
Received 973 Likes
on
666 Posts
I was a very happy man.My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirt, and generally went bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.I opened the door and headed straight to my car.
To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test.We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. "Welcome to the family"
And the moral of this story is:Always keep your condoms in your car.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirt, and generally went bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.I opened the door and headed straight to my car.
To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test.We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. "Welcome to the family"
And the moral of this story is:Always keep your condoms in your car.
Last edited by kgf3076; 07-09-2019 at 10:39 AM.
07-09-2019, 04:07 PM
#487
07-22-2019, 09:43 AM
#489
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Six Metro stops short of insanity.
Posts: 29,139
Received 973 Likes
on
666 Posts
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.
What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.
Why can't women read maps? Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile.
Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. Men marry because they believe she'll never change. Both are mistaken.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.
What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.
Why can't women read maps? Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile.
Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. Men marry because they believe she'll never change. Both are mistaken.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
07-22-2019, 07:20 PM
#490
Why can't women read maps?