Is there a polite way to tell someone they're not allowed to drive my car?!
09-21-2003, 07:36 PM
#11
[QUOTE]Originally posted by mas
09-21-2003, 10:38 PM
#12
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I think this sort of depends on what you think he will ask for.
Level 1: You give him a ride with him in the passenger seat.
Level 2: He gives you a ride with you in the passenger seat.
Level 3: He takes the car and leaves you behind.
No one has ever gotten to Level 3 with my car since I bought it. I suspect it would take a pretty severe emergency for that the happen.
Also, no one has ever asked me for Level 2. I have offered it to a couple people who's driving I trusted, and it worked out fine. I think I would not respect anyone who asked for Level 2 or 3. I wouldn't consider it very polite, since all my friends and family members know how special this car is to me. Do you think your Father in Law would be satisfied with Level 1 or 2? If he expects to be able to take it alone, you should have no qualms about saying no. That is just wrong for him to expect that in my opinion. If he expects it, then his relationship to you obviously does not "come first." ...But that's just me.
Level 1: You give him a ride with him in the passenger seat.
Level 2: He gives you a ride with you in the passenger seat.
Level 3: He takes the car and leaves you behind.
No one has ever gotten to Level 3 with my car since I bought it. I suspect it would take a pretty severe emergency for that the happen.
Also, no one has ever asked me for Level 2. I have offered it to a couple people who's driving I trusted, and it worked out fine. I think I would not respect anyone who asked for Level 2 or 3. I wouldn't consider it very polite, since all my friends and family members know how special this car is to me. Do you think your Father in Law would be satisfied with Level 1 or 2? If he expects to be able to take it alone, you should have no qualms about saying no. That is just wrong for him to expect that in my opinion. If he expects it, then his relationship to you obviously does not "come first." ...But that's just me.
09-21-2003, 11:19 PM
#13
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I agree w. CBeyond. If asked, I reply: "I don't let anyone else drive it; my wife doesn't even drive it". Anyone who would ask is being extremely insensitive. Personally, I would never ask anyone to let me drive their car, or borrow their toothbrush, for that matter. Old people sometimes have an idea they can bully a young person, taking advantage of the respect for the age. Young people, too, sometimes allow this to happen by deferring too much to the elder one. If someone boorishly goes over the line with me, I certainly don't worry about offending them. "Do unto others...." By the way, I'm 65.
09-22-2003, 05:53 AM
#16
Well Jersey Girl, so much really depends on your relationship with the in-laws. Did they help pay for the car, or the house, or the kid's college fund? Does the old man come by whenever your drains are plugged and clean them out? Do you use their things or expect them to help you out with little daily problems? Life is a two way street isn't it?
I agree with the comments that it is only a car. People and relationships are far more important. Some of the posts above gave very good advice about how to appease the guy so I won't repeat those.
Anyway, if your in-laws have always been hands off and never helped you and hubby out, then feel free to say "sorry, I don't let anyone drive it." But if they have been good and giving in-laws, you may want to use this as an opportunity to give them something that is important to you.
As for the hubby, I think you are in a tough position here. If it were me and I knew my wife was adamant, I would tell my family "sorry, she doesn't lend it out." This is actually putting you in a difficult situation where it is you against his whole family and him. This makes you look bad.
Still, I have to say, if it is important to your husband to make his dad feel welcome, maybe your relationship with your husband is really the one that is being tested here. Is your husband good to your family? Maybe this is really a chance to show your husband that you appreciate what he has done for your family.
Like I said, it all depends on the nature of the relationships.
I agree with the comments that it is only a car. People and relationships are far more important. Some of the posts above gave very good advice about how to appease the guy so I won't repeat those.
Anyway, if your in-laws have always been hands off and never helped you and hubby out, then feel free to say "sorry, I don't let anyone drive it." But if they have been good and giving in-laws, you may want to use this as an opportunity to give them something that is important to you.
As for the hubby, I think you are in a tough position here. If it were me and I knew my wife was adamant, I would tell my family "sorry, she doesn't lend it out." This is actually putting you in a difficult situation where it is you against his whole family and him. This makes you look bad.
Still, I have to say, if it is important to your husband to make his dad feel welcome, maybe your relationship with your husband is really the one that is being tested here. Is your husband good to your family? Maybe this is really a chance to show your husband that you appreciate what he has done for your family.
Like I said, it all depends on the nature of the relationships.
09-22-2003, 06:08 AM
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2 options,
don't tell him about the start button,
put the keys in the secret compartment and tell him if he can find them than he can take a drive.
neither will work if your hubby spoils the surpirse.
safest bet would be to let him drive it on a highway. most former muscle sportcar "enthusiasts" are more interested in acceleration than cornering. besides, he probably won't take it over 6k.
I had to egg my father on, and even question his manhood to get him to finally put the car into vtec.
unfortunately one thing that is frequently lost sight of is....
this is a car, you can either keep it or drive it. (I realize that this is borderline blasphemy, and I also have a trillion coats of zaino on my S)
don't tell him about the start button,
put the keys in the secret compartment and tell him if he can find them than he can take a drive.
neither will work if your hubby spoils the surpirse.
safest bet would be to let him drive it on a highway. most former muscle sportcar "enthusiasts" are more interested in acceleration than cornering. besides, he probably won't take it over 6k.
I had to egg my father on, and even question his manhood to get him to finally put the car into vtec.
unfortunately one thing that is frequently lost sight of is....
this is a car, you can either keep it or drive it. (I realize that this is borderline blasphemy, and I also have a trillion coats of zaino on my S)
09-22-2003, 06:24 AM
#18
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Legal Bill, you bring up some very valid points, as have the other people who have replied. My in-laws and I get along great & always have. Before my husband & I got engaged, I was living up in NJ (finishing up college) and he was down here in FL working. The in-laws always made me feel like part of the family, from day 1, regardless of if their son was in NJ, FL, or anywhere else. They have been very generous, but they did not help us to buy the S. Although they offered to help out, I was very proud to be able to say that after many years of hard work & saving, I could do it on my own. Being that they live in NJ and we're in FL, they're not able to do many of the every day things that they'd do if we lived closer (such as fix any clogged drains, etc.)
I sort of look at things and ask how I'd approach the situation - but this doesn't always work well. Personally, if the tables were reversed, I'd never ask someone else to let me drive their nice, new, special car. Yes, it's only a piece of machinery, but I wouldn't want to put anyone in an uncomfortable situation by directly asking them to use their things. If the other person wanted to volunteer to let me take their car, that's a different situation. It's almost like a double-edged sword: my parents taught me to always be respectful of other people's things, but also to be a "good girl" and please everybody.
The other thing is that this could always "snowball". If I let my father-in-law drive the car, there's no way I can say "no" to my mother-in-law (although she's not as likely to ask), and then there's definitely no way I could say "no" to my parents.
Thanks to everyone for listening & offering their point of view. As I said before, this is why I LOVE this forum!
~Kim~
I sort of look at things and ask how I'd approach the situation - but this doesn't always work well. Personally, if the tables were reversed, I'd never ask someone else to let me drive their nice, new, special car. Yes, it's only a piece of machinery, but I wouldn't want to put anyone in an uncomfortable situation by directly asking them to use their things. If the other person wanted to volunteer to let me take their car, that's a different situation. It's almost like a double-edged sword: my parents taught me to always be respectful of other people's things, but also to be a "good girl" and please everybody.
The other thing is that this could always "snowball". If I let my father-in-law drive the car, there's no way I can say "no" to my mother-in-law (although she's not as likely to ask), and then there's definitely no way I could say "no" to my parents.
Thanks to everyone for listening & offering their point of view. As I said before, this is why I LOVE this forum!
~Kim~
09-22-2003, 02:24 PM
#19
I would also have evaluate what type of driver that person is. Speaking for myself, when my father-in-law was still a healthy man I wouldn't have given it a second thought to letting him drive any of my cars. Thinking back I think he always took our new cars out for a short spin, many only a short couple mile ride, and whenever he got something new he would always have me take it for a spin. Later on, when his health was failing, I would still offer to let him drive, but he got enjoyment out of just being the passenger. Sure do miss the old guy... I know he'd have loved going for a top down ride in the S2k!
09-22-2003, 04:58 PM
#20
Well Kim, I'm guessing you have been agonizing about this. I know how it feels to be protective of your brand new car and balance the in-law's feelings.
I appreciate your comment that you would never ask to drive someone elses car. It is always important to play that type of role reversal. As my mother used to say: "Billy, (that's what she calls me to this day) think how you would feel if someone did that to you." It was good advice then and it is a part of me today. It helps me be a better lawyer and a better person.
But sometimes you have to go beyond that and ask "how would you feel if you were actually that person." In other words, you can't always start with what you would or wouldn't do or feel. You actually have to crawl around in the other person's skin a little bit and really see it from their point of view. Its sort of like going to a foreign country and realizing that just 'cause their customs seem odd, doesn't mean they aren't valid.
Do what you feel comfortable with, and know that some might have a problem with it. But don't let it make you crazy. After all, they have an obligation to see it from your point of view too.
Good luck.
Bill
I appreciate your comment that you would never ask to drive someone elses car. It is always important to play that type of role reversal. As my mother used to say: "Billy, (that's what she calls me to this day) think how you would feel if someone did that to you." It was good advice then and it is a part of me today. It helps me be a better lawyer and a better person.
But sometimes you have to go beyond that and ask "how would you feel if you were actually that person." In other words, you can't always start with what you would or wouldn't do or feel. You actually have to crawl around in the other person's skin a little bit and really see it from their point of view. Its sort of like going to a foreign country and realizing that just 'cause their customs seem odd, doesn't mean they aren't valid.
Do what you feel comfortable with, and know that some might have a problem with it. But don't let it make you crazy. After all, they have an obligation to see it from your point of view too.
Good luck.
Bill