JET Program
11-30-2005, 12:48 PM
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JET Program
So I thought about going abroad to teach engrish to japanese students, so I started doing some research and came across this... I'll give you a sample then I'll post the link to all the blogs.. OMFG its hilarious.
My Kids Are Perverted
Ok, so I'm an assisstant teacher in three Japanese middle schools. The grade levels are ichinensei, ninensei, and sannensei. Translated this just means "1st years", "2nd years", and "3rd years", and it's equivalent to American 7-9th grades. So the kids are about 12-15 years old.
For the ichinensei, they JUST started learning English. So this means they know nothing. Well, they know "Good Morning" and "I go to school by bike", but that's about it. Some of them don't even know that. It's not a bad thing, try to think about how much Spanish/French/German you knew after 3 years of it in High School. I took HS Spanish for 3 years and all I took out of it was "Yo quiero taco bell". My apologies to Mrs. Gonzalez, Ms. Kuchinski, and Mrs. Mach.
You know what's kind of funny though? Some kids can't say "Good morning", but damn near all of them can ask if I have a big dick. Or, "bigu dikku" in Engrish.
Y'see, Japan's an island no bigger than California, where everything is filtered. There are so few foreigners here, their only impressions of things outside of Japan comes from the media. And to be honest, they don't really give a damn about anything other than America. So yeah, try to imagine a country where the perceptions of you are created by your movies, music, and MTV. And when you stop crying and shaking at the sheer horror of that thought, I'll be here waiting.
....Okay? Ok. So anyway, the whole "black men have big dicks" stereotype stretches far and wide, even to the nation's 12 year olds. Part of why I'm here is not just to kind of sort of help teach English, but to "broaden cultural perceptions". Break stereotypes, challenge preconcieved notions, all that jazz. That's good and all, but this is one stereotype I think I'm just gonna let slide.
So anyway, I get asked "bigu dikku" A LOT. Every 2-3 days in fact, which is amazing considering I got asked this question about 2-3 times *in my entire life* in America. Locker room jokes aside. How do you answer that anyway? To a 12-15 year old? I wave them off and say "No no no." Then they say "Oh, sumaru dikku?" (trans. "Small dick?") and OF COURSE that's wrong so I have to correct them. It's just a no-win stiuation.
On the days I'm avoiding them asking me that, I'm avoiding them actually trying to grab it. I shit you not, I have to play Dodgedick with Japanese Jr. High kids on a weekly basis. Boys and girls! Age, gender, doesn't matter, they all want a stab at it. The boys are actually more persistant though. I had one boy grab for it, and when I said "No!" he put his hands together and, in English, said "Please!" Oh hell no. I was sitting next to a 12-year old boy who kept grabbing at it, and when I told him "No!" he asked "Why not?" I wondered if there weren't some cultural bounds I wasn't understsanding, so I said clearly "age 10 years and become female since birth, then we'll talk." His solution was to ask the girl sitting next to him to trade seats, grab my dick, and tell him about it.
That is so NOT what I meant.
I wish I could say it stops there, but actually, it gets worse. Let me introduce you to a game Japanese kids like to play called "Kancho."
Actually, it's not so much a "game" as it is kids clasping their hands together, sticking out their first fingers, and shoving them up your butt. I'm really not joking.
You know, before we come to Japan, they tell us a lot of ultimately useless stuff. What kind of computer to bring, if our DVD's will work, clothing sizes, that kind of nonsense. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere, in the 3-4 months of orientations did anyone ever mention that at some point, a Japanese kid may try to stick their fingers up our butt. That's something I would have liked to know, personally.
You know, before we come to Japan, they tell us a lot of ultimately useless stuff. What kind of computer to bring, if our DVD's will work, clothing sizes, that kind of nonsense. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere, in the 3-4 months of orientations did anyone ever mention that at some point, a Japanese kid may try to stick their fingers up our butt. That's something I would have liked to know, personally.
It's called Kancho, and just about any kid can be a Kancho Assassin. Even the sweetest little girl may be prone to jam her fingers up your ass the second you turn around. This happened to one of my friends, which just goes to show - don't trust anyone. I'd say the little girls are the most dangerous cause they have natural ways of lowering your defenses.
I was pretty lucky. Before I came, I bought a really big, really baggy pair of pants. The kids try to Kancho...but they just have no idea where my ass is! It's beautiful! I had one kid try and find his fingers hit nothing but jean fabric and air. Yes! But I've actually gotten pretty good at dodging it, much like Spider-man I have developed a Kancho Sense that tells me where and when it's coming before it comes. I parry fingers like a pro. My record is still 100% Kancho Free. Ha! America 2, Japan 0.
All in a day's work I suppose.
Next: In The Ghetto
Return to the "I Am a Japanese School Teacher" Index
Big Dikku
Enjoy this was just a preview and there other HILARIOUS ones. His descriptions are amazing.
Joe
My Kids Are Perverted
Ok, so I'm an assisstant teacher in three Japanese middle schools. The grade levels are ichinensei, ninensei, and sannensei. Translated this just means "1st years", "2nd years", and "3rd years", and it's equivalent to American 7-9th grades. So the kids are about 12-15 years old.
For the ichinensei, they JUST started learning English. So this means they know nothing. Well, they know "Good Morning" and "I go to school by bike", but that's about it. Some of them don't even know that. It's not a bad thing, try to think about how much Spanish/French/German you knew after 3 years of it in High School. I took HS Spanish for 3 years and all I took out of it was "Yo quiero taco bell". My apologies to Mrs. Gonzalez, Ms. Kuchinski, and Mrs. Mach.
You know what's kind of funny though? Some kids can't say "Good morning", but damn near all of them can ask if I have a big dick. Or, "bigu dikku" in Engrish.
Y'see, Japan's an island no bigger than California, where everything is filtered. There are so few foreigners here, their only impressions of things outside of Japan comes from the media. And to be honest, they don't really give a damn about anything other than America. So yeah, try to imagine a country where the perceptions of you are created by your movies, music, and MTV. And when you stop crying and shaking at the sheer horror of that thought, I'll be here waiting.
....Okay? Ok. So anyway, the whole "black men have big dicks" stereotype stretches far and wide, even to the nation's 12 year olds. Part of why I'm here is not just to kind of sort of help teach English, but to "broaden cultural perceptions". Break stereotypes, challenge preconcieved notions, all that jazz. That's good and all, but this is one stereotype I think I'm just gonna let slide.
So anyway, I get asked "bigu dikku" A LOT. Every 2-3 days in fact, which is amazing considering I got asked this question about 2-3 times *in my entire life* in America. Locker room jokes aside. How do you answer that anyway? To a 12-15 year old? I wave them off and say "No no no." Then they say "Oh, sumaru dikku?" (trans. "Small dick?") and OF COURSE that's wrong so I have to correct them. It's just a no-win stiuation.
On the days I'm avoiding them asking me that, I'm avoiding them actually trying to grab it. I shit you not, I have to play Dodgedick with Japanese Jr. High kids on a weekly basis. Boys and girls! Age, gender, doesn't matter, they all want a stab at it. The boys are actually more persistant though. I had one boy grab for it, and when I said "No!" he put his hands together and, in English, said "Please!" Oh hell no. I was sitting next to a 12-year old boy who kept grabbing at it, and when I told him "No!" he asked "Why not?" I wondered if there weren't some cultural bounds I wasn't understsanding, so I said clearly "age 10 years and become female since birth, then we'll talk." His solution was to ask the girl sitting next to him to trade seats, grab my dick, and tell him about it.
That is so NOT what I meant.
I wish I could say it stops there, but actually, it gets worse. Let me introduce you to a game Japanese kids like to play called "Kancho."
Actually, it's not so much a "game" as it is kids clasping their hands together, sticking out their first fingers, and shoving them up your butt. I'm really not joking.
You know, before we come to Japan, they tell us a lot of ultimately useless stuff. What kind of computer to bring, if our DVD's will work, clothing sizes, that kind of nonsense. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere, in the 3-4 months of orientations did anyone ever mention that at some point, a Japanese kid may try to stick their fingers up our butt. That's something I would have liked to know, personally.
You know, before we come to Japan, they tell us a lot of ultimately useless stuff. What kind of computer to bring, if our DVD's will work, clothing sizes, that kind of nonsense. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere, in the 3-4 months of orientations did anyone ever mention that at some point, a Japanese kid may try to stick their fingers up our butt. That's something I would have liked to know, personally.
It's called Kancho, and just about any kid can be a Kancho Assassin. Even the sweetest little girl may be prone to jam her fingers up your ass the second you turn around. This happened to one of my friends, which just goes to show - don't trust anyone. I'd say the little girls are the most dangerous cause they have natural ways of lowering your defenses.
I was pretty lucky. Before I came, I bought a really big, really baggy pair of pants. The kids try to Kancho...but they just have no idea where my ass is! It's beautiful! I had one kid try and find his fingers hit nothing but jean fabric and air. Yes! But I've actually gotten pretty good at dodging it, much like Spider-man I have developed a Kancho Sense that tells me where and when it's coming before it comes. I parry fingers like a pro. My record is still 100% Kancho Free. Ha! America 2, Japan 0.
All in a day's work I suppose.
Next: In The Ghetto
Return to the "I Am a Japanese School Teacher" Index
Big Dikku
Enjoy this was just a preview and there other HILARIOUS ones. His descriptions are amazing.
Joe
11-30-2005, 12:50 PM
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Oh and another excerpt from another blog of his
One day in a ninensei class at the Ghetto School, one boy called me over to ask a question. When I got there, he said what I heard to be "Shit in the pool?" I was disgusted, and told him to never, ever do that! Turns out though, I just heard him wrong.
Quick Japanese lesson. The student said "Poo tte unko?" He was asking me if "Poo" meant "shit". I however heard "Pool de unko", which means "shit in the pool". See how the little differences can throw a whole sentence completely out of wack? Ah, I love languages.
The student realized that I'd heard him wrong, and tried to demonstrate that he was saying "poo". This included him clinching his fists near his face and making a "Hunnngh!" noise while he scrunched his face up. ...Kid, I don't know what kind of shits you're taking, but that can't be healthy. The whole gesture was pretty hilarious, and it succeeded in cracking me up, as well as the girl sitting next to him. For the rest of the class, she pestered him to "Do it again! Do it again!" but he held strong and didn't make anymore Powerbomb Shit gestures.
As I left the class however, I passed that girl in the hallway. She bent her knees, going into a weighlifters stance, raised her clinched fists high up in the air, and gave me a hearty "Poo! Hunngh!" as I walked by.
I think I liked it better when they just screamed "Breasts!" at me.
One day in a ninensei class at the Ghetto School, one boy called me over to ask a question. When I got there, he said what I heard to be "Shit in the pool?" I was disgusted, and told him to never, ever do that! Turns out though, I just heard him wrong.
Quick Japanese lesson. The student said "Poo tte unko?" He was asking me if "Poo" meant "shit". I however heard "Pool de unko", which means "shit in the pool". See how the little differences can throw a whole sentence completely out of wack? Ah, I love languages.
The student realized that I'd heard him wrong, and tried to demonstrate that he was saying "poo". This included him clinching his fists near his face and making a "Hunnngh!" noise while he scrunched his face up. ...Kid, I don't know what kind of shits you're taking, but that can't be healthy. The whole gesture was pretty hilarious, and it succeeded in cracking me up, as well as the girl sitting next to him. For the rest of the class, she pestered him to "Do it again! Do it again!" but he held strong and didn't make anymore Powerbomb Shit gestures.
As I left the class however, I passed that girl in the hallway. She bent her knees, going into a weighlifters stance, raised her clinched fists high up in the air, and gave me a hearty "Poo! Hunngh!" as I walked by.
I think I liked it better when they just screamed "Breasts!" at me.
11-30-2005, 06:26 PM
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Another one..I'm laughing so hard in class.. everyone around me is like WTF?!?!?
I was a JET for four years down in Kagoshima. I loved it, and reading your site brings back a lot of good memories and also those times that you just had think to yourself "What the ****?!". I have played my share of dodgedick and dodgeKancho. I have tried to explain to my friends that this perverted Japanese game is REAL, but to no avail.
Finally one of my friends came to visit me and I took him to school one day, he worked as an ESL Tutor at his University while finishing up a Masters in Literature. After two or three years I had finally gotten through to my kids that it is dangerous to play Kancho with me because, unlike yourself, I am the Bad Gaigin and resorted to your trademarked Gaigin Smash to end the game once and for all. I introduced my friend at Monday morning assembly and told the kids he would be comming to classes with me and please try to practice their English with him. This was apparently understood as "Fresh Blood - GAME ON!"
So much to my perverted pleasure I saw the kid making his way along the wall. But I figured my friend would never believe the stories until he had experienced them first hand; and did not give him any warning as a tiny set of ichinensei fingers were rammed into his rectum. Only baggy jeans saved him from the horror of actual penetration. He jumped about three feet in the air and did a 360 degree spin, the look of shock and horror on his face was pure gold. He turns to me as I am rolling on the floor and I manage to get out a "Now do you believe me?"
Roundtrip Ticket to Japan - 1500 US
Bus ride to school - 300 yen
Watching your Friend Kancho`d into a believer - PRICELESS
I know this is long but I got one more for you. I was an English camp counselor one year with a few other JETS for Shougakko (elementary school) kids from around the prefecture. The camp was held at at a pension/study center up in the Kirishima national park. It was a three night stay with the third night spent pitching tents and camping out. Every ALT was given a group of 10 - 12 kids to act as English counselor.
My friend Caviar, his kids had three little girls in his group that formed a Kancho clique - 2 Gonensei (5th grade) and 1 tiny Sannensei (3rd grade). They started up the kancho games almost immediately with my friend. And then he did the unspeakable. One of the girls walks by at dinner and Caviar sneaks up behind her and yells out "KANCHO" and nails a Gonensei. She screams as her friends burst out laughing and they all run away.
I just stared at him and shake my head in disbelief. He looks at me, shrugs and says, "I figured it was time for a taste of their own medicine". I shake my head and tell him "You poor, poor sorry fool. You don`t get it do you?! They will NEVER let that go. Mark my words, you WILL pay for that" He laughs and shrugs it off and tells me not to worry.
He continues to dodge their weak Kancho attempts for the next day and night. The last morning before we break camp and leave, Caviar and I wake up at 6 and head up to the bathrooms.
Everyone was allowed to pick a spot for their own tents, so Caviar and I pitched ours lower down the mountain than the kids in a small clearing. To get to the bathrooms you have to walk up a set of steep, 2 foot wide steps that are lined with tall pines and bushes on both sides. I`m 6` and Caviar is like 6`3, but even we had to really use a long stride to get up the stairs. *You can almost here the climax music playing in the background*
We get halfway up and Caviar is in mid-stride when the three girls, I have no idea how long they were hiding in the trees, jump out behind us and in some wicked 3 person tag team Kancho maneuver all give my friend the Kancho to end all Kanchos. They laugh wickedly and said "we told you we could get you" and run away.
I am rolling around on the ground cuz the look of sheer terror on my friend`s face will NEVER be forgotten. He is rolling around on the ground clutching his ass and looks up at me with sheer horror in his eyes and gasps out "they...they...they got Penetration!". Caviar had been wearing a pair of basketball shorts with NO boxers. Yes, the dumbass was free-balling it in the heart of enemy territory in the midst of a full blown Kancho war.
Well I know this was long but I wanted you to know that you got a great site and some of us know first hand what you`re talking about. Keep up the good writing.
Toobs - a former JET and Kancho dodger
I was a JET for four years down in Kagoshima. I loved it, and reading your site brings back a lot of good memories and also those times that you just had think to yourself "What the ****?!". I have played my share of dodgedick and dodgeKancho. I have tried to explain to my friends that this perverted Japanese game is REAL, but to no avail.
Finally one of my friends came to visit me and I took him to school one day, he worked as an ESL Tutor at his University while finishing up a Masters in Literature. After two or three years I had finally gotten through to my kids that it is dangerous to play Kancho with me because, unlike yourself, I am the Bad Gaigin and resorted to your trademarked Gaigin Smash to end the game once and for all. I introduced my friend at Monday morning assembly and told the kids he would be comming to classes with me and please try to practice their English with him. This was apparently understood as "Fresh Blood - GAME ON!"
So much to my perverted pleasure I saw the kid making his way along the wall. But I figured my friend would never believe the stories until he had experienced them first hand; and did not give him any warning as a tiny set of ichinensei fingers were rammed into his rectum. Only baggy jeans saved him from the horror of actual penetration. He jumped about three feet in the air and did a 360 degree spin, the look of shock and horror on his face was pure gold. He turns to me as I am rolling on the floor and I manage to get out a "Now do you believe me?"
Roundtrip Ticket to Japan - 1500 US
Bus ride to school - 300 yen
Watching your Friend Kancho`d into a believer - PRICELESS
I know this is long but I got one more for you. I was an English camp counselor one year with a few other JETS for Shougakko (elementary school) kids from around the prefecture. The camp was held at at a pension/study center up in the Kirishima national park. It was a three night stay with the third night spent pitching tents and camping out. Every ALT was given a group of 10 - 12 kids to act as English counselor.
My friend Caviar, his kids had three little girls in his group that formed a Kancho clique - 2 Gonensei (5th grade) and 1 tiny Sannensei (3rd grade). They started up the kancho games almost immediately with my friend. And then he did the unspeakable. One of the girls walks by at dinner and Caviar sneaks up behind her and yells out "KANCHO" and nails a Gonensei. She screams as her friends burst out laughing and they all run away.
I just stared at him and shake my head in disbelief. He looks at me, shrugs and says, "I figured it was time for a taste of their own medicine". I shake my head and tell him "You poor, poor sorry fool. You don`t get it do you?! They will NEVER let that go. Mark my words, you WILL pay for that" He laughs and shrugs it off and tells me not to worry.
He continues to dodge their weak Kancho attempts for the next day and night. The last morning before we break camp and leave, Caviar and I wake up at 6 and head up to the bathrooms.
Everyone was allowed to pick a spot for their own tents, so Caviar and I pitched ours lower down the mountain than the kids in a small clearing. To get to the bathrooms you have to walk up a set of steep, 2 foot wide steps that are lined with tall pines and bushes on both sides. I`m 6` and Caviar is like 6`3, but even we had to really use a long stride to get up the stairs. *You can almost here the climax music playing in the background*
We get halfway up and Caviar is in mid-stride when the three girls, I have no idea how long they were hiding in the trees, jump out behind us and in some wicked 3 person tag team Kancho maneuver all give my friend the Kancho to end all Kanchos. They laugh wickedly and said "we told you we could get you" and run away.
I am rolling around on the ground cuz the look of sheer terror on my friend`s face will NEVER be forgotten. He is rolling around on the ground clutching his ass and looks up at me with sheer horror in his eyes and gasps out "they...they...they got Penetration!". Caviar had been wearing a pair of basketball shorts with NO boxers. Yes, the dumbass was free-balling it in the heart of enemy territory in the midst of a full blown Kancho war.
Well I know this was long but I wanted you to know that you got a great site and some of us know first hand what you`re talking about. Keep up the good writing.
Toobs - a former JET and Kancho dodger
11-30-2005, 07:05 PM
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Some of his editorials are hilarious. I've been sitting here reading his stories for the last hour and howling with laughter.
My own experiences in Japan have been pretty funny, but not near as funny as this. One weekend I was in Kyoto. I used to jog for exercise, so I got up early on Sunday morning and went for a 2 mile run. I was running down the wide sidewalk and my "Gaijin perimeter" pushed a woman right into a telephone pole as she was staring at me.
My own experiences in Japan have been pretty funny, but not near as funny as this. One weekend I was in Kyoto. I used to jog for exercise, so I got up early on Sunday morning and went for a 2 mile run. I was running down the wide sidewalk and my "Gaijin perimeter" pushed a woman right into a telephone pole as she was staring at me.
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11-30-2005, 08:21 PM
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Cultural differences are fun. We had a Japanese friend and his 18-year-old daughter visiting a couple of weeks ago. While driving around sightseeing we passed a man jogging shirtless, common enough around San Diego. The daughter pointed at him and said something in Japanese to her father. I asked, "Don't people run in Japan?" After a pause she answered, "They don't run naked!"
12-01-2005, 08:54 AM
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Don't understand the complaints. Last year in Thailand I had to pay $50 to get a 12-year old girl to stick her finger in my butt. Next year I'm going to Japan.