A farewell to riding
08-04-2006, 03:12 PM
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A farewell to riding
As I remember it, at the very least how my mind wants to remember it..
It's a nice sunny day and I'm laying on my back, gazing into a beautiful blue sky. The temperature is nice. It's June 3rd, a Saturday, no work today. Erin asks me how I'm doing. I think for a second 'how am I doing?'. I feel relaxed... I do a quick assesment and tell Erin I'm doing just fine, except I think there's something wrong with my leg.
I do my best to calm everyone and let them know I'm doing fine, it's in my nature, it's what I do. A car and a truck are parked on the side of the road near Erin's motorcycle, one of the drivers has taken off my helmet after seeing blood coming from it. My leg is contorted in an unnatural position, my bike missing large pieces resting in the ditch. I continue to look into the perfect blue sky, I have no pain - and no regret.
Mcminnville fire department arrives and drives me a few corners down to a field where life flight lands, I'm loaded into the helicopter... I hear the turbines and feel the lifting, the blue sky has faded away... everything goes black.
I look up, I see a round light, in a dim room. Sharon is there, she's crying and holding my hand. I hate seeing her cry, it kills me. I think I'm suppose to be in pain, but I can't be sure, the pain killers are strong. My mouth is dry, really dry. I would do anything to protect Sharon... I tell her I'll be ok and wink at her. It takes more energy than I expected. Really, I don't know how I'll be, I'm not scared, but surely nervous.... I'm in an emergency room, or some sort of waiting area for surgery. My parents appear and tell me I'll be going into surgery, I ask them if it's that bad? I can see in my mother's face it is, yet she tells me everything is fine.... but I know, I've seen it before.... I've had major surgery before, even if it was 20 years ago, I remember the look of concern. I ask for water many times, the doctors say no water before surgery, my mouth is dry. Really dry. Finally a nurse hands my father a cup of water and a sponge in some tongs... are you ****ing kidding me? Wayne gives me sponge full after sponge full quickly and I am grateful. Everything goes black.
I open my eyes to my new home for a few days. 2 days have passed but I don't know it. Sharon has been at the hospital for 48hrs, so had Erin and his family. I don't remember the last 2 days. I'm told I had surgery on my leg and my back.... an open compound fracture on my left leg (tibia and fibula broke in many places and exited the skin). I also have rods in my back, protecting the crushed L1. The surgeon told my parents and Sharon that I should be paralyzed, and they don't know how my spinal cord made it. Being in the hospital is hell, my body is functioning horribly. I get hot, I get cold, I cannot get up, I can't do much of anything. My appetite is gone and the only thing to look forward to every day is visitors. Sharon spends most every day with me, all day. I look forward to Josh coming by for lunch everyday, in fact sometimes I check the time to see how long til he'll be there. The world outside doesn't exist, and seeing familiar faces is the only reminder of it.
After visiting hours things go quiet, I have strange dreams (ask me about them sometime, Ambien is evil stuff), I feel lonely... and I cry myself to sleep most nights. It's not due to pain, it's not because I'm afraid... It's because I wonder what if......
It's June 13th, 10 days since the accident. I've been asking when I could leave for 2 days now, and my white blood count is still high. Finally today I get the ok, I'll be leaving. I'm ready, I've been ready.... I'm a fighter, always have been, and if I'm not moving, I'm dying. It will be a little while longer, they need a volunteer nurse to go get a wheelchair to take me out with. I had a roommate for 8 nights, the last 2 I was alone.... a new roommate arrives 15 minutes before I am to leave. He's a double amputee, no legs My heart sinks and I remember why I have not once complained.
I'm wheeled out of the hospital, I look up and see the clear blue sky. I think I'm feeling alright, but my leg might take a while. I have no pain, and no regret.
The next few weeks at home are rough. I'm in a boot and a back brace. I can't do anything myself and Sharon takes many days off of school and my mother works some half days. I can't eat, go to the bathroom or even sponge bathe myself. Things eventually get better, I start moving more and eating more. Once a day I make Sharon drive me somewhere, it takes a long time to get in and out of the car, but being out is wonderful. Our normal trip: fast food drive thru. On the 4th of July I rent a wheelchair and Sharon and I go to Seaside to meet up with my parents, things don't seem so bad, and ironically I'm sitting on the boardwalk in a wheelchair where one of the most influential people in my life once sat in a wheelchair, on the boardwalk. In fact, we're staying at her house which my mother inherited.... Aunt Leeown (actually great aunt) had polio at age 12 due to an infected needle for a polio vaccine and spent her life running a stand on the boardwalk in Seaside. Her words always ring true and are the reason I always move forward, "Why me? Why not me? if I couldn't handle it, God would not have given it to me." Fireworks burst, everything is beautiful, Sharon sips her hot chocolate, my parents are enjoying themselves, this is life, I should stop and watch it more often.
Everyday someone asks me what happened. Occassionally I make up a lie because it's more fun. Bori mentioned she rode an elephant in Laos, so I told one waitress I was in Korea with Sharon and I fell off an elephant while traveling between villages... it's amazing what people will buy if you say it with a straight face, I need to get into sales. The ones I tell the truth always reply with the same scripted line "I hope you're not going to ride again".
I have made no commitments to myself regarding riding. I made an error and am paying for it. But it's not the motorcycle's fault. Riding gave me a lot, I felt alive, my mind was free and I could become one with a machine. You have to find what brings life to you....for me, motorcycles did that, I also have made many great friends through the sport. At this point in time however, the risks of riding are too high, and my mentality is too aggressive, my biggest fear at this point is going to a friend's funeral, it haunts me all the time.... I may return someday, in the meantime, I have no regrets, riding has given me much more than a few pieces of titanium in my body, and very honestly....thus far.... I think it's been a fair trade. I bet they never thought they'd hear me say that as I turn and limp away on my crutches.
It's a nice sunny day and I'm laying on my back, gazing into a beautiful blue sky. The temperature is nice. It's June 3rd, a Saturday, no work today. Erin asks me how I'm doing. I think for a second 'how am I doing?'. I feel relaxed... I do a quick assesment and tell Erin I'm doing just fine, except I think there's something wrong with my leg.
I do my best to calm everyone and let them know I'm doing fine, it's in my nature, it's what I do. A car and a truck are parked on the side of the road near Erin's motorcycle, one of the drivers has taken off my helmet after seeing blood coming from it. My leg is contorted in an unnatural position, my bike missing large pieces resting in the ditch. I continue to look into the perfect blue sky, I have no pain - and no regret.
Mcminnville fire department arrives and drives me a few corners down to a field where life flight lands, I'm loaded into the helicopter... I hear the turbines and feel the lifting, the blue sky has faded away... everything goes black.
I look up, I see a round light, in a dim room. Sharon is there, she's crying and holding my hand. I hate seeing her cry, it kills me. I think I'm suppose to be in pain, but I can't be sure, the pain killers are strong. My mouth is dry, really dry. I would do anything to protect Sharon... I tell her I'll be ok and wink at her. It takes more energy than I expected. Really, I don't know how I'll be, I'm not scared, but surely nervous.... I'm in an emergency room, or some sort of waiting area for surgery. My parents appear and tell me I'll be going into surgery, I ask them if it's that bad? I can see in my mother's face it is, yet she tells me everything is fine.... but I know, I've seen it before.... I've had major surgery before, even if it was 20 years ago, I remember the look of concern. I ask for water many times, the doctors say no water before surgery, my mouth is dry. Really dry. Finally a nurse hands my father a cup of water and a sponge in some tongs... are you ****ing kidding me? Wayne gives me sponge full after sponge full quickly and I am grateful. Everything goes black.
I open my eyes to my new home for a few days. 2 days have passed but I don't know it. Sharon has been at the hospital for 48hrs, so had Erin and his family. I don't remember the last 2 days. I'm told I had surgery on my leg and my back.... an open compound fracture on my left leg (tibia and fibula broke in many places and exited the skin). I also have rods in my back, protecting the crushed L1. The surgeon told my parents and Sharon that I should be paralyzed, and they don't know how my spinal cord made it. Being in the hospital is hell, my body is functioning horribly. I get hot, I get cold, I cannot get up, I can't do much of anything. My appetite is gone and the only thing to look forward to every day is visitors. Sharon spends most every day with me, all day. I look forward to Josh coming by for lunch everyday, in fact sometimes I check the time to see how long til he'll be there. The world outside doesn't exist, and seeing familiar faces is the only reminder of it.
After visiting hours things go quiet, I have strange dreams (ask me about them sometime, Ambien is evil stuff), I feel lonely... and I cry myself to sleep most nights. It's not due to pain, it's not because I'm afraid... It's because I wonder what if......
It's June 13th, 10 days since the accident. I've been asking when I could leave for 2 days now, and my white blood count is still high. Finally today I get the ok, I'll be leaving. I'm ready, I've been ready.... I'm a fighter, always have been, and if I'm not moving, I'm dying. It will be a little while longer, they need a volunteer nurse to go get a wheelchair to take me out with. I had a roommate for 8 nights, the last 2 I was alone.... a new roommate arrives 15 minutes before I am to leave. He's a double amputee, no legs My heart sinks and I remember why I have not once complained.
I'm wheeled out of the hospital, I look up and see the clear blue sky. I think I'm feeling alright, but my leg might take a while. I have no pain, and no regret.
The next few weeks at home are rough. I'm in a boot and a back brace. I can't do anything myself and Sharon takes many days off of school and my mother works some half days. I can't eat, go to the bathroom or even sponge bathe myself. Things eventually get better, I start moving more and eating more. Once a day I make Sharon drive me somewhere, it takes a long time to get in and out of the car, but being out is wonderful. Our normal trip: fast food drive thru. On the 4th of July I rent a wheelchair and Sharon and I go to Seaside to meet up with my parents, things don't seem so bad, and ironically I'm sitting on the boardwalk in a wheelchair where one of the most influential people in my life once sat in a wheelchair, on the boardwalk. In fact, we're staying at her house which my mother inherited.... Aunt Leeown (actually great aunt) had polio at age 12 due to an infected needle for a polio vaccine and spent her life running a stand on the boardwalk in Seaside. Her words always ring true and are the reason I always move forward, "Why me? Why not me? if I couldn't handle it, God would not have given it to me." Fireworks burst, everything is beautiful, Sharon sips her hot chocolate, my parents are enjoying themselves, this is life, I should stop and watch it more often.
Everyday someone asks me what happened. Occassionally I make up a lie because it's more fun. Bori mentioned she rode an elephant in Laos, so I told one waitress I was in Korea with Sharon and I fell off an elephant while traveling between villages... it's amazing what people will buy if you say it with a straight face, I need to get into sales. The ones I tell the truth always reply with the same scripted line "I hope you're not going to ride again".
I have made no commitments to myself regarding riding. I made an error and am paying for it. But it's not the motorcycle's fault. Riding gave me a lot, I felt alive, my mind was free and I could become one with a machine. You have to find what brings life to you....for me, motorcycles did that, I also have made many great friends through the sport. At this point in time however, the risks of riding are too high, and my mentality is too aggressive, my biggest fear at this point is going to a friend's funeral, it haunts me all the time.... I may return someday, in the meantime, I have no regrets, riding has given me much more than a few pieces of titanium in my body, and very honestly....thus far.... I think it's been a fair trade. I bet they never thought they'd hear me say that as I turn and limp away on my crutches.
08-04-2006, 03:39 PM
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Very sorry to hear about your mishap and your serious injuries, but I'm glad you're still around to tell about it and willing to share it so frankly with the rest of us. You did a nice job of putting thoughts to words.
I too have had an aggressive nature on some of the bikes I've owned, and I've been injured riding motorcycles both on-road and off. My concerns about that caused me to give up sport bikes, and off-road as well since I always rode solo and figured I'd eventually get into trouble.......alone and in a remote location. Since then I've discovered that riding cruisers is something that I can also enjoy, and that the cruiser style of riding mellows me out. There's still accident potential, but I don't get induced to test my limits on a cruiser.
Something to consider after the mental scars heal. Anyway, thanks for writing about your experience!
Steve
I too have had an aggressive nature on some of the bikes I've owned, and I've been injured riding motorcycles both on-road and off. My concerns about that caused me to give up sport bikes, and off-road as well since I always rode solo and figured I'd eventually get into trouble.......alone and in a remote location. Since then I've discovered that riding cruisers is something that I can also enjoy, and that the cruiser style of riding mellows me out. There's still accident potential, but I don't get induced to test my limits on a cruiser.
Something to consider after the mental scars heal. Anyway, thanks for writing about your experience!
Steve
08-06-2006, 02:34 PM
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Sorry to hear about your incident. You really painted a picture, I felt as if i was there.
The unfortunate thing about riding is that you're risking yourself and the people around you. I can't stand the idea of having people around me be miserable taking care of me incase somthing happened. I realized that I'm gambling with their time and life as well as mine. My family really depends on me, and their world would turn upside down if something happened to me.
I just don't know where to draw the line. Quit riding, minimize riding...
I don't do freeways, high traffic conditions, or unsafe riding conditions. On the other hand, I fly through the canyon much faster than I should... otherwise there would be no point to riding for me. Sad part is, all it takes is once.
congradulations on walking away from it, Hopefully I'll get out before it's too late.
The unfortunate thing about riding is that you're risking yourself and the people around you. I can't stand the idea of having people around me be miserable taking care of me incase somthing happened. I realized that I'm gambling with their time and life as well as mine. My family really depends on me, and their world would turn upside down if something happened to me.
I just don't know where to draw the line. Quit riding, minimize riding...
I don't do freeways, high traffic conditions, or unsafe riding conditions. On the other hand, I fly through the canyon much faster than I should... otherwise there would be no point to riding for me. Sad part is, all it takes is once.
congradulations on walking away from it, Hopefully I'll get out before it's too late.
08-06-2006, 03:09 PM
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You don't HAVE to get out before it is too late. You could adjust your riding style to reduce risk. Stories like Brian's are a sobering reminder that there is a life-changing risk every time we ride. Thank you for sharing a serious story in an obviously thoughtful way.
My dad rode since his teen's and now into his 70's. It can be done.
My dad rode since his teen's and now into his 70's. It can be done.
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08-07-2006, 09:12 AM
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I carried too much speed into a long sweeping left. It was a road I knew very very well, however I was going quickly to catch up with another rider (girlfriend's brother in law) who had passed a car a few corners before me. I was just too aggressive, leaned too far scraped the peg and lowsided on the road before sliding off the road and hitting a small retaining wall / ditch.
I was wearing an arai signet gtr helmet, dainese 1pc suit, sidi vert race boots, and a dainese spine protector. Without good gear who knows where I'd be....
Take it easy and ride with your head!
I was wearing an arai signet gtr helmet, dainese 1pc suit, sidi vert race boots, and a dainese spine protector. Without good gear who knows where I'd be....
Take it easy and ride with your head!
08-07-2006, 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted by PDX S2000,Aug 7 2006, 11:12 AM
I was going quickly to catch up with another rider (girlfriend's brother in law)
I quoted you there because I read a nice editorial by Peter Egan, I think in Cycle World magazine from a couple months ago, and it had to do with precisely this point: accidents happening when one is pushing beyond his/her limits to either "catch up" or "not be caught" usually on group rides composed of riders of different skill levels.
My point is not to nit pick on you or your probably excellent skills, but rather to emphasize the editorial's message, which is basically to stay within your comfort zone when riding in groups; Chances are this would not have happened had you been riding alone.
Thanks again for your candid and honest thoughts, and unlike so many people you have encountered after the accident, I do hope that you will eventually ride again, so you can once more find that magic "zone" in your mind that only riding a motorcycle on a nice curvy road can give you.
Cheers,