A friend sent this to me. Thought I should share this because it's pretty funny. Enjoy

Only in America ...
1. ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. ... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at
the front.
4. ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet
coke.
5. ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters.
6. ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and
put our useless junk in the garage.
7. ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call
waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
the first place.
8. ... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
eight.
9. ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well:
'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
10. ... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER?
1. Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
2. Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
4. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
5. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
6. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
7. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
10. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
11. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
12. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
13. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
14. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
15. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
16. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
17. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
18. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
1. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the
only time I have to work on my hair).
2. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and
that would be how???....)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating." (...and you thought????...)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the
rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm
taking this because???....)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only." (as opposed to...what)?
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
12. On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news
flash)
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
14. On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for
this one.)
15. On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

 

The Basic Maths of Life Proves that Attitude is the Secret

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes life 100%?

Here's a little maths that might prove helpful....


If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

and

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%


But

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

and

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far


A R S E K I S S I N G
1 18 19 5 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 121%

will take you!!

 

If you post once every 15 seconds here, you can increase your post count by 5760!!!! in a day!

 

I bet you can't manage it

 

Still hoping to hit 1000 by midnight...... working on it

 

incredible fact-----some idiot is trying to hit 1000 posts by midnight

 

Well done fool

1000 posts by midnight

 

did you know that the word gullible was recently taken out of the dictionary?

 

Did you know that I reached 2100 posts today!?!

"Your stock is rising, number 2."

 

Have you ever been able to find the word Camouflage in the dictionary?!?! I have look for it loads of time and never been able to spot it