How many times have you awakened in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run,so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

 

James, excellent post. You, like me, are obviously steeped in Greek and Roman mythology.

 

It's when you wake up in a strange place with only some of your clothes and no idea where you left your car -- in a strange city and you have't the foggiest notion why you're there or what you're supposed to do next. God, I hate that.

 

[QUOTE]Originally posted by The Raptor
[B]It's when you wake up in a strange place with only some of your clothes and no idea where you left your car -- in a strange city and you have't the foggiest notion why you're there or what you're supposed to do next.

 

 

better than the time i forgot where i threw up...

 

or the time i did so much coke my nose fell apart and i fell asleep in walmart at 4am on a workday.

 

coke keeps you awake though

 

It will only keep you awake for so long ... then you will effectively pass out !

 

it keeps you awake...but not like all the crankers around here....you see zombies walkin around all the time...havent been to sleep in 3 days...that shit is scarry....i can always go to sleep whenever i decide to while on...stuff...