rumors, lies, and the morons who perpetuate them
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From: Milwaukee Area
rumors, lies, and the morons who perpetuate them
disclaimer: if you are easily offended or one of those politically correct activists, then don't even bother reading any further. the following encounter will most certainly kill some brain cells.
Last night I stopped by our local auto zone to see if they have any havoline in stock for my next oil change. I drive up, and the ugliest f'ing tiburon is sitting in the lot. Next to that, is an even uglier neon. Both are "modified" if you can call it that. But to be honest, both cars look more like they have been touched by "queer eye for the straight guy". And I don't mean just touched; the queer eye guys had a gay parade and used the tiburon and the neon for parade floats on their way to pride fest. It's almost as bad as the 7th gen civic SEDAN I saw with 1 lambo door..... I will get to the "mods" on the cars later....
My better half says I should just turn around now and not even go inside, but since when do I listen to my better half. I walk in and start looking down the oil aisle for the Havoline. I see two guys on the other end looking at some synthetic mobil 1. I do a double take, and notice something odd about the one. He has a white T-shirt on, and on the back is a big picture of Ashlee Simpson. And underneath it says "Ashlee is a Hotiee". I can only imagine this is homemade, as no T-shirt company in the world would make any T-shirt involving Ashlee Simpson unless it was a picture of her with her big mouth open saying "insert body part here". I hate that b*tch, but that's a whole different thread. (seriously, that chick is no good for anything except being a receptacle for whatever current guy(s) who is(are) using her like the slut she is)
Whoops, got off track. So, yeah. 2 dudes, one with an ashlee shirt. We're there so far. It's a few moments later a store employee walks up to the one not wearing the ashlee shirt and hands him a neon shift knob. One of those cheapo shift knobs that plugs into your cigarette lighter. I wonder how much use this shift knob will see, as I'm almost certain this guy's cigarette lighter is usually in use for whatever plug-in dildo he's using to shove up his ass.
The guy is all excited, and then asks the employee the following question. "Will this work in a SRT4?" Once again, I do a double take, followed by a laugh which I think was louder than I expected or realized. The employee tells him it's universal and comes with adapters to fit any car. The guy then makes some comment about how once he gets his SRT4, he can take this knob (both of them. for those who are too slow to get this joke I'm not going to explain it) and transplant it from his neon into his SRT4. At this moment there are 2 facts I realize that I am not surprised to learn. The flaming neon outside is his, and he's planning on trading in that monstrosity for an SRT4 neon. Probably so he can gay that one up too. (not that it needs much help
)
It's around this time that I'm getting closer to their position as I'm scanning the oils (almost forgot what I came to get at this point) when I hear something mentioned about an S2000. Apparently neon-boy was looking at getting an S2000, however, his daddy told him they discontinued the S2000 so it wasn't going to be worth anything so he wasn't going to get him one. They then make their selection of mobil 1 and the Ashlee-tshirt friend/lover mentions they should get the 20w50 because it is a better oil than the 5w20 or whatever they were looking at.
At this point, it's all I can do to keep myself from saying anything, when finally I hear the icing on the cake. "the 20w50 will add 30 more horsepower. that's what the number means" If there was ever a case for sterilizing morons, idiots, and people who are no more intelligent than the dog shit I scrape off the bottom of my shoe, these 2 are it. There is no f*cking way people can be this dumb. I'm surprised the guy can even do basic math to figure out that the difference between 20 and 50 is 30.
So at this point I casually mention "those numbers are the viscosity of the oil. they don't mean the amount of horsepower you get". the one guy then tries to tell me how that's not what he's heard. I told him he could ask the employee here if he didn't believe me. however, they claimed their "source" was one of the best mechanics in the country. At this point I ask if this same "mechanic" is his daddy who told him that they discontinued the S2000. He tells me that it's not, and that his daddy is a honda salesman and he should know.
Now I'm really trying to hold back the laughing, and I tell him that not only did they NOT discontinue the S2000, but they created a new color for the 2006 model year. However, as before, his daddy knows better, and you can't tell him any different. My guess is that his dad is a smart man who realizes his dumb ass kid would kill himself in an S2000, so he came up with a lie as to why he couldn't get one. On second thought.... if his dad was a smart man, he WOULD get his dumb ass kid an S2000. It would be worth the sacrifice.... (again, if you don't get that, just click the X at the top right corner of the screen)
At this point, any attempt in logical debate with this tool would be utterly futile. I'd have better luck explaining quantam physics to a drunk chimp using popsicle sticks and a butter churn. I tell the kid that I guess he'll just have to find out the hard way, and I continue my search. They kind of give me a look, and then walk up to the front to buy their crap.
After unsuccessfully securing any havoline, I walk out the store, and both queer-mobiles are up and running with both of the fudgepacking butt-pirates waiting inside them. The neon guy is gleefully installing his new shift knob, and the tiburon guy is revving his engine. Now to the mods. The tiburon has a dual-quad exhaust (quad tips), enormous double decker aluminum spoiler (this is apparently becoming popular in wisconsin....), neon lights underneath the car, big gay flaming stripe decals down the sides of the car, washer LED nozzles, and wal mart spinners. Oh, and don't forget the pep boys double chrome windshield wipers.
The neon (which is purple by the way) has two racing stripes across the top of the car, a big APC sticker across the front, altezza tail lights on the back, neon lights, led nozzles, and window tint. (i wouldn't want to be a guy seen driving that thing either) Last but not least, my favorite mod. He has a f*cking decal that goes around the wheel well that makes it look like the wheel is "smoking" from spinning so much. The best part? It's on the rear wheel wells. I could drink an entire can of paint thinner and kill off any decent brain cells I had, and I still could not come up with something that f*cking stupid to put on a car. If there was ever a time I had wished I'd had a camera it was that moment. If my cell phone camera wasn't a piece of crap that gets nothing but black screen when it's dark out, i'd have a picture.
I have now finished my story. And I have no words that can even summarize the experience. There is no emoticon in the world that could describe the feeling. I left the parts store, the guy revving his tiburon to show off, and the other guy in the neon trying to figure out where he'll plug in his dildo and his shift knob.
I need a bottle of tylenol.
Last night I stopped by our local auto zone to see if they have any havoline in stock for my next oil change. I drive up, and the ugliest f'ing tiburon is sitting in the lot. Next to that, is an even uglier neon. Both are "modified" if you can call it that. But to be honest, both cars look more like they have been touched by "queer eye for the straight guy". And I don't mean just touched; the queer eye guys had a gay parade and used the tiburon and the neon for parade floats on their way to pride fest. It's almost as bad as the 7th gen civic SEDAN I saw with 1 lambo door..... I will get to the "mods" on the cars later....
My better half says I should just turn around now and not even go inside, but since when do I listen to my better half. I walk in and start looking down the oil aisle for the Havoline. I see two guys on the other end looking at some synthetic mobil 1. I do a double take, and notice something odd about the one. He has a white T-shirt on, and on the back is a big picture of Ashlee Simpson. And underneath it says "Ashlee is a Hotiee". I can only imagine this is homemade, as no T-shirt company in the world would make any T-shirt involving Ashlee Simpson unless it was a picture of her with her big mouth open saying "insert body part here". I hate that b*tch, but that's a whole different thread. (seriously, that chick is no good for anything except being a receptacle for whatever current guy(s) who is(are) using her like the slut she is)
Whoops, got off track. So, yeah. 2 dudes, one with an ashlee shirt. We're there so far. It's a few moments later a store employee walks up to the one not wearing the ashlee shirt and hands him a neon shift knob. One of those cheapo shift knobs that plugs into your cigarette lighter. I wonder how much use this shift knob will see, as I'm almost certain this guy's cigarette lighter is usually in use for whatever plug-in dildo he's using to shove up his ass.
The guy is all excited, and then asks the employee the following question. "Will this work in a SRT4?" Once again, I do a double take, followed by a laugh which I think was louder than I expected or realized. The employee tells him it's universal and comes with adapters to fit any car. The guy then makes some comment about how once he gets his SRT4, he can take this knob (both of them. for those who are too slow to get this joke I'm not going to explain it) and transplant it from his neon into his SRT4. At this moment there are 2 facts I realize that I am not surprised to learn. The flaming neon outside is his, and he's planning on trading in that monstrosity for an SRT4 neon. Probably so he can gay that one up too. (not that it needs much help
)It's around this time that I'm getting closer to their position as I'm scanning the oils (almost forgot what I came to get at this point) when I hear something mentioned about an S2000. Apparently neon-boy was looking at getting an S2000, however, his daddy told him they discontinued the S2000 so it wasn't going to be worth anything so he wasn't going to get him one. They then make their selection of mobil 1 and the Ashlee-tshirt friend/lover mentions they should get the 20w50 because it is a better oil than the 5w20 or whatever they were looking at.
At this point, it's all I can do to keep myself from saying anything, when finally I hear the icing on the cake. "the 20w50 will add 30 more horsepower. that's what the number means" If there was ever a case for sterilizing morons, idiots, and people who are no more intelligent than the dog shit I scrape off the bottom of my shoe, these 2 are it. There is no f*cking way people can be this dumb. I'm surprised the guy can even do basic math to figure out that the difference between 20 and 50 is 30.
So at this point I casually mention "those numbers are the viscosity of the oil. they don't mean the amount of horsepower you get". the one guy then tries to tell me how that's not what he's heard. I told him he could ask the employee here if he didn't believe me. however, they claimed their "source" was one of the best mechanics in the country. At this point I ask if this same "mechanic" is his daddy who told him that they discontinued the S2000. He tells me that it's not, and that his daddy is a honda salesman and he should know.
Now I'm really trying to hold back the laughing, and I tell him that not only did they NOT discontinue the S2000, but they created a new color for the 2006 model year. However, as before, his daddy knows better, and you can't tell him any different. My guess is that his dad is a smart man who realizes his dumb ass kid would kill himself in an S2000, so he came up with a lie as to why he couldn't get one. On second thought.... if his dad was a smart man, he WOULD get his dumb ass kid an S2000. It would be worth the sacrifice.... (again, if you don't get that, just click the X at the top right corner of the screen)
At this point, any attempt in logical debate with this tool would be utterly futile. I'd have better luck explaining quantam physics to a drunk chimp using popsicle sticks and a butter churn. I tell the kid that I guess he'll just have to find out the hard way, and I continue my search. They kind of give me a look, and then walk up to the front to buy their crap.
After unsuccessfully securing any havoline, I walk out the store, and both queer-mobiles are up and running with both of the fudgepacking butt-pirates waiting inside them. The neon guy is gleefully installing his new shift knob, and the tiburon guy is revving his engine. Now to the mods. The tiburon has a dual-quad exhaust (quad tips), enormous double decker aluminum spoiler (this is apparently becoming popular in wisconsin....), neon lights underneath the car, big gay flaming stripe decals down the sides of the car, washer LED nozzles, and wal mart spinners. Oh, and don't forget the pep boys double chrome windshield wipers.
The neon (which is purple by the way) has two racing stripes across the top of the car, a big APC sticker across the front, altezza tail lights on the back, neon lights, led nozzles, and window tint. (i wouldn't want to be a guy seen driving that thing either) Last but not least, my favorite mod. He has a f*cking decal that goes around the wheel well that makes it look like the wheel is "smoking" from spinning so much. The best part? It's on the rear wheel wells. I could drink an entire can of paint thinner and kill off any decent brain cells I had, and I still could not come up with something that f*cking stupid to put on a car. If there was ever a time I had wished I'd had a camera it was that moment. If my cell phone camera wasn't a piece of crap that gets nothing but black screen when it's dark out, i'd have a picture.
I have now finished my story. And I have no words that can even summarize the experience. There is no emoticon in the world that could describe the feeling. I left the parts store, the guy revving his tiburon to show off, and the other guy in the neon trying to figure out where he'll plug in his dildo and his shift knob.
I need a bottle of tylenol.
Registered User
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,949
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From: Tupelo, Mississippi
Holy christ Wisconsin!...I fell sorry for your eye's, for having to witness such a horrific display of.....
I just got a mental picture of the Neon.....I cant type anymore I have to go
I just got a mental picture of the Neon.....I cant type anymore I have to go
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 40
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That was a nice story. However, it revealed that you have some issues you need to sort out personally. There are many ways to insult a person without gay bashing. Now, I'm not gay and I don't necissarily condone homosexuality but I feel your story is made less entertaining due to your overt homophobia.
Picturing that neon did make me want to punch something though.
Picturing that neon did make me want to punch something though.
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 612
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Priceless report Wis, I was lauging my balls off for hours 
If you want to insult other groups you could try
Niggars
Chinks
Whops
Crackas
Fat basterds
Nazis
Aids sufferers
By then you should have offended just about everyone except me.
Oh, I forgot Albinos.
If you want to insult other groups you could try
Niggars
Chinks
Whops
Crackas
Fat basterds
Nazis
Aids sufferers
By then you should have offended just about everyone except me.
Oh, I forgot Albinos.
Registered User
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 2,554
Likes: 0
From: Orlando, Florida
You need sensitivity training, No, I am not a pole smoker 
I have a beautiful girlfriend.
I assume these kids were younger than you and I remember being younger and much more naive, Fortunately I hung out with older peeps and they taught me alot about life and cars so, I never had to go through what those poor kids are going through. There must be alot of ricers where you are, I hardly ever see anything like that.
I have a beautiful girlfriend.I assume these kids were younger than you and I remember being younger and much more naive, Fortunately I hung out with older peeps and they taught me alot about life and cars so, I never had to go through what those poor kids are going through. There must be alot of ricers where you are, I hardly ever see anything like that.
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From: Nowhere
Originally Posted by Wisconsin S2k,Jul 19 2005, 05:22 AM
I'd have better luck explaining quantam physics to a drunk chimp using popsicle sticks and a butter churn.
Nice story.
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Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 1,788
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From: Vagineerville, IL
Yea man dont make fun of gay people. I er I mean they need luvin too just like fat chicks. on second thought. fuq em both. I think fat chicks and gay men are the worst ppl ever, the women need a diet and the gay men need to go into the priesthood.
Nice story dood. I especially like your creative use of the word 'the'. keep it up.
Nice story dood. I especially like your creative use of the word 'the'. keep it up.
