Perks of being vintage (over 50)

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the Weather Channel.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

 

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Palmateer
[B]
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

 

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Palmateer
[B]Perks of being vintage (over 50)

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

ahhhhhhhh....says you !

 

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Popeye
[B]take your pick:
hourly
daily
weekly
weakly
monthly
?

 

George Carlin's View on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions." How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21| YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

 

From The Original Hollywood Squares TV Show. These are CLASSIC!

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least
how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

 

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK! the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

 

OK...I just got this one today. I'm gonna post it in the OT Joke of the Day thread, too.


And this is how it all began?

God said, "Go down into that valley."
And Adam said, "What's a valley?"
and God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river"
And Adam said "What's a river?"
and God explained it to him.

And then God said, "Go over the hill."
And Adam said, "What's a hill?"
and God explained it to him.

Then God told Adam, "On the other side
of the hill, you will find a cave,"
and Adam said, "What's a cave?"
and God explained that to him.

"In the cave you will find a woman."
And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, and said,
"I want you to reproduce."

And Adam said, "How do I do that?"
So God explained it to him.

So off went Adam,
down into the valley,
across the river,
and over the hill,
and into the cave,
and found the woman,
and in about five minutes he was back.

God said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

 

Since most of you don't want to wade through all those jokes over there in OT (although you should!), I'm posting the "vintage" ones here. Enjoy...

 

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and were silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent, stink terribly."

"Good," the doctor said, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."