Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around."

 

Today, I arrived at my parents house for dinner. When I got there, I noticed that they had gay pride flags hanging from the porch, and gay rights bumper stickers plastered to their cars. There was also a huge "We accept you, Nick" banner hanging from the garage. I'M NOT GAY!

 

Today, I saw my mom sneaking meat into her spaghetti sauce. She proceeded to tell me she sneaks meat into most of the food she cooks. I've been a vegetarian for 8 years.

 

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help.

 

Today, I kissed my girlfriend and she tasted like a cigarette. I don't smoke. She doesn't smoke. My roommate does.

 

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted me to be her first and last...with plenty of people in between.

 

Today, I took my dog for a walk down by the river. I was throwing sticks for him with one hand and talking on the phone with the other. Then I accidentally threw my phone in the river instead of the stick and was standing there talking to the stick while my phone sat at the bottom of the river.

 

Today, I was at a party and all my friends started asking me ways they could leave so no one would notice because the party sucked.....It was MY party.

 

Today, after weeks of agonising, I told my best friend (who I am madly in love with) that I love her. She said: "me too, you're like a brother and a best girlfriend rolled into one!"

 

Today, while walking through the fragrance area in a shopping center a women behind me asked; "Excuse me miss, would you like to sample our new fragrance line." I'm a 19 year old male. I turned around expecting her to correct herself. She didn't.