I am a lonely man. I mostly blame the attention-deprived years of my childhood, but I also blame my failed marriage to that cold-hearted wench who took half of what I own when we got divorced. Over the years I've made up for my loneliness with promiscuity and alcohol-fueled love affairs, but sometimes that's not enough.

If this sounds familiar to you - then you need the Boyfriend Pillow.

Unlike a normal pillow, the Boyfriend Pillow has a built-in arm that you can wrap around your body, simulating the sensitive touch of a lover's embrace. Made of ultra-comfy memory foam, the Boyfriend Pillow is shaped like a man's torso and can be positioned in a number of different ways (trust me).

Why the Boyfriend Pillow is wearing a button-down dress shirt to bed is beyond me, but I can't complain. With a little imagination, and a splash of perfume, we lonely men can close our eyes and pretend that the pillow is actually a woman wearing one of our favorite dress shirts.

With a little more imagination, and a lot more perfume, you can also pretend the pillow is actually the girl featured in the product photo. But that's up to you.

So, when my pick-up lines prove unsuccessful at the bar, it's nice to know that I'll always have someone to snuggle up with when I get home. It won't complain about being unsatisfied, or question why her memory of the last six hours is so foggy, and it doesn't threaten to call the cops if I don't give her cab fare for the ride home.

The Boyfriend Pillow is, quite simply, perfect.

I LOVE this pillow!! Like most spinsters, I always spent a lot of time wishing for a man and arranging the pillows on my bed in a long pile, the better to imagine that some hottie would be willing to spend the night beside me. All the single ladies know that if you close your eyes and concentrate, the smell of scented candles and litterboxes transforms itself into a musky, manly cologne!

With the boyfriend arm pillow (I named mine Captain Jack, in honor of Johnny Depp's sexiest role), I barely have to concentrate. I spritz a little bit of axe body spray on the "torso" and wrap that arm around me for a long, blissful night of rest that previously would have been available only to my married friends.

I don't know why nobody thought of the arm attachment before! I use the strong, brawny hand to open jars and kill bugs--I'm no longer scared of spiders when I have my "man" by my side! When I watch TV at night I prop the remote in the pillow's fingers because I know how much guys like to control the TV. This might sound crazy, but I swear Captain Jack once interrupted a Dharma & Greg marathon to change the channel to football!!

Captain Jack did cause something of an uproar in my family when I signed him up as my plus one to my cousin Kimmy's wedding, but that blew over after a few months. People are so uptight...obvs I was mostly joking. It's not like I'd be able to pick up a groomsman if I'd had a pillow attached to me all night, although I did feel bad that he had to miss out on the cake--chocolate with vanilla frosting is Captain Jack's favorite.

I am currently using "Date Like a Man" and "Think Like a Guy" and fully expect to snare a boyfriend soon. Even if I don't, I've asked my niece to make sure I'm buried with Captain Jack. No way am I going to the Other Side by myself!