A guy walks into a bar with a dog. As they sit down at the counter, the bartender tells them, that no dogs are allowed. The dog looks up and says, "I don't see any sign posted about dogs."
To which the bartender looks at them both and exclaims "Hey! You can talk! This is wild! I'm buying you both a beer".
They both thank him and proceed to enjoy their libation.
After awhile, the man excuses himself to go to the bathroom and the bartender leans over the bar and asks the dog if he'll "go over to the 7-11 across the street and ask for change from a $20 to buy a newspaper. He tells the dog that his friend across the street would get a kick out of it. In return, he'll buy beers for the both of them for the rest of the day and keep the $20 for his trouble.
The dog agrees and taking the $20 in his mouth, walks out of the bar.
When the man comes out of the bathroom, he asks where his dog has gone and panics when he is told the dog has gone outside without him.
He runs outside and begins to cross the street when he hears a sound in the alley next to the bar. When he turns into the alley, he discovers his dog humping a French Poodle. Shocked, the man looks to his dog and says "Rex, how could you? You've NEVER done anything like this before!"
The dog looks up at him and says "Frankly, I've never had a $20 bill before!"

 

James watched his wife put cream on her face and asked, "What's that cream for?"
The wife said, "It's facial cream to make me look gorgeous."
A few minutes later, the wife removed the cream. James stared and then said with a sneer, "Didn't work, did it?"

 

Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.


This Chinese couple are fooling around and she asks him what he has in mind. He says, "How about a little 69?"
She says, "You want cashew chicken and snow peas??"

 

Three mice are sitting at a bar bullshitting about which one is the toughest, most hard-core, macho mouse.
The first mouse does a shot, slams the glass on the bar and says, "I set off mouse traps just for fun. I grab the cheese and when the bar comes down, I benchpress 50 or 60 reps before I take my loot home." He slams another shot.
The second mouse downs a shot and says, "That's nothin', bro. I eat those rodent-poison tablets like candy. I can chow a whole box of Poison without even farting." He slams a shot.
The third mouse downs a shot and walks away from the bar.
"Where ya going, ya wimp?" the other mice chuckle.
The third mouse shrugs. "I'm going home to the cat."

 

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
"What condition does he have?" the student asks.
"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

 

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands...
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud.
The President of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite. Adolph Coors orders a Coors and the list goes on and on with each Beer executive acquiring a taste of his own product.
Finally the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask...
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

 

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.
"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"
Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know.. you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"

 

There was a little boy sitting on the curb one day. The little tyke had a bottle half full of acid. It seems he was droppin' those big, black ants into it every time he caught one. It made a small puff of smoke shortly after hitting the acid.
An old priest came along and was watching the kid drop those ants into oblivion. Apparently he thought this would be a good time to teach the little squirt the value of life.
The priest said to the kid, "What do you have there son?"
"Oh, I got some magic water, Father, the boy innocently replied. "See," and poof went another ant.
"In my church," says the priest, "we have some magic water too."
"Oh Yeah," says the kid, "can it turn ants into water, too?"
"No," says the priest, "but I rubbed it on a lady's stomach and she passed a baby."
"Big deal!" says the kid. "I squirted some of this under my cat's tail the other day, and he passed a motorcycle!"

 

I'm reminded of a sign that I saw in a store that said "If you're irritable, ill-mannered, or just plain ing mean, there will be a $10 charge for putting up with you".

 

Ouch.....


A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation.
"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman. "Land mines."