SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).

However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. Yu can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

[B]P.S.

 

 

bass!

 

Regarding WWII - We would like to thank the USA for turning up in the second half.

And in terms of Presidents vs Royalty - I believe that we only go down on 1 knee to ours not 2 as in your case

 

Just wait.
You'll get your "Lewinski" some day!


It's good to be king!

 

Dooooooooooooop!

 

That was too much!

 

 

In response to your amusing sugestions I feel we need to set the record straight on a few items.

1. The monarchy is there to show the culture and tradition within our country and the fact that we have heritage. You may have missed the fact that we have a parliament and democracy is alive and strong in Great Britain. You may have missed this fact due to it being alien to yourselves as our voting rights were not impinged as per Michael Moore's (an American I believe) claims in his book "Stupid White Men" in your elections.

2. The production of aluminium / aluminum invented by an American and a French man. Can one therefore assume these two national identites can be replaced by a fat man and a coward smelling of garlic. If you need help deciphering which is which, just ask anyone else from the world outside of America and France. They will help you instantly identify which is which. This will also bring you into negotiations with other countries in the world without the need for firearms, trade sanctions or Disney merchandise.

3. As for the OED, you are more than welcome. Would you all like instructions in how to open and use this useful item? Grunt twice if yes, once for no. (If it helps we will draw pictures for you).

4. British actors in films, yes, we do seem to draw the short straw and play the villain. Several great movies do come out of a smaller film industry however need I remind you of "Showgirls", "Insomnia" or "Universal Soldier II" ? So if you produce the number of films per annum that you do, eventually you will get some gems, however the majority are made, we believe, to stop you going out on a Saturday night believing that you are the Dukes of Hazard and drinking moonshine.

Musically we are indeed blessed at times. It's called talent. (Please refer to OED for meaning).

5. Efficiency is not in question when it comes to our national anthem. All we need do is remember who is currently on the throne. We even simplified it for the colonies by have a gender specific noun for the reigning monarch so you don't even have to remember the name. We thought this helped your ilk, obviously we granted you with more intelligence than is the actual case. May we apologise for this assumption.

6. The summer Olympic games and football is an interesting matter. The UK cannot enter a football team as a country representation as it would nullify the position the 4 member countries hold within UEFA, the world's governing body. So no wonder you did better than us, I don't believe we entered. But this is a principal you are aware of, you know, creating games and a world championship just so you can win it when only your country plays the sport. If I recall correctly the cherry stone spitting contest is regularly won by an American. Will he enter the sporting hall of fame?

7. Britain doesn't have any top notch candy. We have top notch chocolate, confectionary and sweets. The food could be better I agree. But we normally get the people from the colonies to cook for us.

8. We may, in your opinion, have trouble understanding cars and Ford did indeed buy Jaguar (I know you pronounce this Jagwar and it is most irksome) and Aston Martin but if you are so proud why is the knowledge and engineering base still in the UK? Is it because your engineers want to drop an 8 litre engine into it and only get 400 bhp. I do of course refer to the Dodge Viper. Did your engineers actually build it to be lethargic for its engine size?

9. We would apologise for Teletubbies if it wasn't for the fact it's where your "Chief" gets most of his speeches from.

As for WW2: thanks. How was Vietnam? We weren't there and you seemed to struggle a little. Ever since you've been asking for everyone's help.

 

@ Kelk