Ok, I know all of you out there have been invited to some sort of event (wedding, bridal shower, baby shower, etc.) that you didn't want to attend or couldn't attend for various reasons. Do you still abide by the "give a gift anyway" mode of thinking?

Personally, I can't stand being told that I have to give something. If I want to give something without attending, that's one thing, but to have to give something just because you were invited - that's crap!

Case in point - I got invited to my cousin's wedding and of course the bridal shower. The shower/wedding is in NJ and I live in FL. I'm not too close to my cousin, never was close to his parents (my aunt and uncle), and never even met his fiance! I'm sure I was invited because he had to invite me. That doesn't bother me. What does bother me is that I'm told I have to give something. Personally, if my cousin & his fiance did anything nice for me in the last year or two, I'd feel differently. However, there have been no phone calls, no emails, and no birthday cards. I think it's to have to send a gift when someone can't even bother to send a birthday card to me or my husband.

I could just be in a really foul mood about this. Am I wrong here?????

 

No, you're not wrong.

A gift, by definition, is not obligatory.

Send them a nice card and relax.

 

I dunno but I feel slightly obligated to give a gift if I'm invited to a wedding. The fact that the bride/groom extended an invitation to what is their probably (hopefully) happiest moment of their lives would (in most cases) be an honor to have been invited to. I mean they are forking up thousands of dollars for a wedding/reception and I'm sure they wouldn't give mindless invitations out.

But this sounds like this invite got extended ot you more because you're family and it's kind of protocol, especially if you're not real close to them.

Look at it this way, I think the value of the gift should be determined by how close of a relationship you have to the soon to be married couple. I mean if you're not going to go, I'm sure you can find something minimal on their Registry....if everything's a $100 Pottery Barn placesetting then get them a REALLY nice card.

 

It's this type of thinking that leads people to adopt the tactic of inviting everyone and their dog. "We're getting married in Minnesota, and cousin Bob's ex-wife's sister's boyfirend lives in Kuala Lampur. Let's send him an invitation so he'll feel obligated to buy us a wedding gift." They might be spending thousands on the wedding and reception (I entertain at wedding receptions, so I encourage this sort of behavior), but they're only spending a few dollars for an extra invitation: the boyfriend isn't going to attend, so there's no additional expense for him beyond the invitation, envelope, tissue paper, and stamp. If he sends a $50 gift they have a 1000% ROI.

 

Interesting question. I've never felt obligated to give a gift. You're right though - I hate feeling like I have to do anything.
I think just because they feel obligated to invite you doesn't mean you have to feel obligated to buy them a gift. Magician's right - some people could really rake it in if they consciously invited people they knew wouldn't come, but would send a gift. IMO it's about sharing your special day with people you love, not scoring in the gift department.

 

I don't think you really HAVE to send them a gift, but the fine line here comes from the fact that they are family. If this will at some point cause bad blood between family members, then you're better off just getting them something that's not too expensive. My rule of thumb is if they are family, you're better off sending them something than not sending them anything - why? because even if you never hear from them, you'll look petty if you don't send a gift, but if you do, you'll look better than they did - they never did anything nice, but you did send them a gift. Plus, then they're bound to send you a gift when you have one of those events as well!

Good Luck!

 

And here's just one more reason why I think I shouldn't have to give a gift.

My cousin & his fiance invited his two other cousins, each with a guest included. They did not invite my sister w/ a guest. Personally, I think that's pretty tacky.

 

in life, you dont HAVE to do anything. i HAVE to get laid every 5 minutes but you don't see me getting everything i want..

 

If you decline the invitation, it is perfectly acceptable to not send a gift. However, you should send a nice letter, stating why you cannot attend, hope they have a wonderful wedding, they're the perfect couple, yada yada yada.

Another option is you could give a joint gift with someone who is attending; most people are happy to do this.

 

Why should you say why you cannot attend? Is your reason really any of their business? Are they to be allowed to judge whether your reason is sufficient? Will the rest of your family agree that your reason is adequate? Should they be allowed to judge its sufficiency?

Sending a letter is fine; explaining why you cannot attend is a very, very bad idea.