Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
that's it ... don't waste them on exercise. Everything
wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not
make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want
to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does
a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?
Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and
vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide
everything in the world into three categories: animal,
mineral and vegetable. We all know that beer and
wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic
table of elements, so that only leaves one thing,
right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy
your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat,
your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your
ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in
a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
is: No Pain - Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression
and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably
stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days
in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it
gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you
want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello ... Cocoa beans ... Another
vegetable!!! "It's the best feel-good food around!"

Well I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you
may have had about food and diets. Have a
cookie ... flour is a veggie! One more thing ...
"When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of
tequila and the salt."

 

Crap, all the hours I've spent in the gym and all the salads I've eaten. Come to find out I've wasted my life away. Thank God for Jack Daniels.

 

I love this! It's going on my fridge right now.

:claps in glee:

And them I'm off to the store for a thick steak and some beer.

 

Red-

You need an IN-N-Out Double Double., fries, and a large pink lemonade