For Laughs: Taking a Dump At Work...
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From: Del Boca Vista
For Laughs: Taking a Dump At Work...
Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
CRACK WH! ORE
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the ! bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become! a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to! ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load ! when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the ! other bathroom attendees.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
WATERMELON
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WAERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
ADDITIONS FROM -Todd
THE STALEMATE
Is when you and another guy are in the stall at the same time, and neither of you wants to crap first, which leads to the ICEBREAKER
THE ICEBREAKER
The first one to drop a bomb when there is an aforementioned STALEMATE... be careful how ever, you don't want to get caught up in a FALSE START
FALSE START
When you hear someone go into the stall next to you, and you perform an ICEBREAKER to get the hell outta there, but they were really just getting TP for blowing their nose.
THE WALLET-CHECKER
Aimilar to the LABEL-READER (reading labels of cleaners or air-fresheners located around the throne) at home, when you forget to bring something to read in the stall, you are limited to checking your wallet to see what needs to be thrown out, how much money you have (reading serial numbers on paper money optional), old pictures, etc...
THE PROMOTION-KILLER
After you drop a bomb, you come out of the stall to see your CEO, or! boss, washing their hands or doing whatever in the bathroom, the smell of your exorcism still lingering in the air, you will go nowhere in this company, get another job.
Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
CRACK WH! ORE
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the ! bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become! a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to! ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load ! when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the ! other bathroom attendees.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
WATERMELON
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WAERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
ADDITIONS FROM -Todd
THE STALEMATE
Is when you and another guy are in the stall at the same time, and neither of you wants to crap first, which leads to the ICEBREAKER
THE ICEBREAKER
The first one to drop a bomb when there is an aforementioned STALEMATE... be careful how ever, you don't want to get caught up in a FALSE START
FALSE START
When you hear someone go into the stall next to you, and you perform an ICEBREAKER to get the hell outta there, but they were really just getting TP for blowing their nose.
THE WALLET-CHECKER
Aimilar to the LABEL-READER (reading labels of cleaners or air-fresheners located around the throne) at home, when you forget to bring something to read in the stall, you are limited to checking your wallet to see what needs to be thrown out, how much money you have (reading serial numbers on paper money optional), old pictures, etc...
THE PROMOTION-KILLER
After you drop a bomb, you come out of the stall to see your CEO, or! boss, washing their hands or doing whatever in the bathroom, the smell of your exorcism still lingering in the air, you will go nowhere in this company, get another job.
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From: Solvang
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Hootsama
[B]Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
CRACK WH! ORE
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the ! bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become! a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to! ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load ! when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the ! other bathroom attendees.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
WATERMELON
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WAERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
[B]Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
CRACK WH! ORE
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the ! bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become! a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to! ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load ! when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the ! other bathroom attendees.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
WATERMELON
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WAERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
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From: Bay Area
While we're on the subject:
Ghost Poo:
You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but not in the toilet. Where is it?
Teflon Poo:
So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.
Goo Poo:
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the toilet.
Second Thoughts Poo:
You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise... there's more to come.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo:
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.
Weight Watchers Poo:
You poo so much you lose several pounds.
Right Now Poo:
You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your pants down.
King Kong Poo:
This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well. This kind of poo usually happens when you're at someone else's house.
Cork Poo:
Also known as "floaters." Even after the third flush it's still there, floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?
Wet Cheeks Poo:
This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the launching of the QE2, soaking your starfish.
Wish Poo:
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.
Cement Block Poo:
You wish you'd got a spinal block before you pooed.
Snake Poo:
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Morning After Poo:
Happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't smell that bad, but THIS one... Usually you're at someone else's house (normally a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside to use the bathroom.
Mexican Food Poo:
Also called "screamers." You know it's safe to eat again when your bum stops burning.
Boo Hoo Poo:
Makes you cry with pain and wonder whether your should risk the stitches or go for the fuller figure.
Ghost Poo:
You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but not in the toilet. Where is it?
Teflon Poo:
So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.
Goo Poo:
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the toilet.
Second Thoughts Poo:
You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise... there's more to come.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo:
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.
Weight Watchers Poo:
You poo so much you lose several pounds.
Right Now Poo:
You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your pants down.
King Kong Poo:
This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well. This kind of poo usually happens when you're at someone else's house.
Cork Poo:
Also known as "floaters." Even after the third flush it's still there, floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?
Wet Cheeks Poo:
This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the launching of the QE2, soaking your starfish.
Wish Poo:
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.
Cement Block Poo:
You wish you'd got a spinal block before you pooed.
Snake Poo:
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Morning After Poo:
Happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't smell that bad, but THIS one... Usually you're at someone else's house (normally a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside to use the bathroom.
Mexican Food Poo:
Also called "screamers." You know it's safe to eat again when your bum stops burning.
Boo Hoo Poo:
Makes you cry with pain and wonder whether your should risk the stitches or go for the fuller figure.
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 5,078
Likes: 0
From: SF Bay Area
Originally Posted by Hootsama,Sep 18 2001, 02:03 PM
HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
