Scot

Does anyone ever see these ruminations. My buddy always emails them to me, but I have no idea where they come from... some are funny though.

There are some other funny things at the end (cat people) and beer warnings

You know what the biggest
organ is? My penis.
A lot of people say the brain,
but it's definitely my penis.

I'd probably like my doctor a bit more
if he wouldn't walk around humming
"Another One Bites the Dust" all the time.


Sometimes I feel like a fly. I spend
half the day banging my head against
the screen to get in, and the rest
of the day banging on it to get out.


If you think I'm afraid of a
fight, you are sadly mistaken.
If you think I am terrified to the
point of pissing my sissyboy pants,
you are getting a lot, lot warmer.


I think that someone must have surveillance
equipment set up in my living room, because
every once in a while, someone on the TV
will tell me what channel I'm watching.
That really freaks me out, you know?



While sitting at my desk reading Ruminations,
I can't help but wonder: Aren't they paying
me to get actual work done and not read
Ruminations? Then I think, nah, these
planes today practically land themselves.


I wonder if those "Live Free or Die"
license plates are made by prisoners.


My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme
hypochondria. He prescribed a strong
placebo, but I don't think it's working.


I think I want to be the guy who
robs ice-cream trucks for a living.


My wife was missing, so I checked
all the city morgues. No luck.


Please don't tell me what "Tie a Yellow Ribbon"
is really supposed to be about, because the version
in my head with Tony Orlando tying up this Dawn chick
and growling, "It's been three long years -- do you
still want me?" has got to be cooler than the truth.


Answer me this:
If I'm supposedly so "crazy," then
why did they choose me to be their
spokesperson to the people of Earth?


I'm so glad humans don't have three legs,
because that would decrease my odds to
1 in 3 of getting my pants on properly.


If you want to make cheese by pouring milk
over your toes, make sure you rinse all of
the Spic 'N' Span out of the bucket first.


My Renaissance Fair fund-raiser idea was a
huge success. The rum worked well, and
my girlfriend was a good sport, but I do
wish someone had informed me earlier that
"Punch and Judy" was actually a puppet show.



@@@@@

Subject: Alcohol Consumption -- FDA Warnings...


Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer
Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. - subliminal Cadee Condit

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without
spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass
kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees. Sublimal Cadee Condit

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

@@@@@@@@

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

*No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

* When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.

* You can't trust a dog to watch your food.

* Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.

* Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

CG

Some good ones there.

Lips2000

Ummmm...Scot...does your wife know of your growing osession with Miss. Condit? Just keeping it real...

Mark

tokyo_james

Some goods ones, but I seem to receive these same ones by e-mail time and again, with probably a month or so gap in between each time....

I still find some of them funny though...

integrate

"WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass
kicked. "

hAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that's just hilarious just cuz I always see drunk people getting their ass kicked, ahahahah, I can't stop laughing.

integrate

"If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person. "

hmm, I don't get that one

Anyone want to explain?

skitz

Nope.

But I'll get another post, I think I deserve it after reading all of those funnies