Signs you're sick of the holidays:

You've got red and green bags under your eyes.

You're serving reindeer pot pie.

When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"

You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers in the ass with your BB gun.

You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.

Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies.

You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.

You've got eggnog coming out of your ears.

Your standard response, "And happy holidays to you too, you bastard!"

Two words: tinsel rash.

 

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office
and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants
and...

PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,
I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION:
Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True
Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock............(better start again)

 

ROFLMAO very funny

 

Some ladies (and men) are probably gonna feel this way:

'Twas the month after Christmas
and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me
not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled,
the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties
had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store
(less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous
meals I'd prepared,
The gravies and sauces and
beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls,
the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said,
"No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in
my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again
to do battle with dirt --

I said to myself,
as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter
disguised as a man!"

So -- away with the last
of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake,
every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that
I like must be banished,
"Till all the additional
ounces have vanished."

I won't have a cookie --
not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on
a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits,
or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot
and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome,
and life is a bore --
But isn't that what
January is for?

Unable to giggle,
no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all
and to all a good diet!