JulieU

I'm gonna try to keep it clean, but it's gonna be real tough!

Stay tuned for some funnies!

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A farmer had been taken several times by a local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.

The farmer priced the unit as follows:

Basic Cow $999.95
Shipping and Handling $35.75
Extra Stomach $79.25
Two-tone Exterior $142.10
Produce Storage Compartment $128.50
Heavy Duty Straw Chopper $189.60
4-Spigot/High Output Drain System $149.20
Automatic Fly Swatter $88.50
Genuine Cowhide Upholstery $170.80
Deluxe Dual Horns $59.25
Automatic Fertilizer Attachment $339.40
4 X 4 Traction Drive Assembly $884.16
Pre-Delivery Wash and Comb $69.80

Farmer Suggested List Price $3,336.26
Additional Dealer Adjustment $300.00

Total list price (including options) $3,636.26
Tax and Ear Tags $418.00

TOTAL PURCHASE PRICE $4,054.26

steve summers

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

Tx_Phantom

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

cliffdogg2k

An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"

The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"

Tx_Phantom

That was a great joke!

Here's today's tasteless humor!

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Two blonde girls walk into a department store.They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?"

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"

"Viens a moi," replies Nancy.

"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"

At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French."

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again and remarks, "That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?"

Tx_Phantom

This sounds exactly like something that I would have said...

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A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern furiously
pounding shots of whiskey. His friend happens to come into
the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've
known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take
a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass,
the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot
eyes, smiles and then slurs, "Not anymore... He is!"

Tx_Phantom

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres."

The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."

The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said,"Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere"

The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."

The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"

The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants dayvorce."

Tx_Phantom

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded
skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out,
picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should
I do?"

He says, "Put it between your legs."

She says, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."

Tx_Phantom

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind.

A women's rights group approached the pope the next day. They noticed that the pope had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind. So the next day, after his sermon, the pope concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the pope. They said that they noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless those who are gay.

The pope said, "Sure."

The next day, the pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homeni, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti."

JulieU

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, form erly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.