Last Sunday Liz and I went to visit with Bobbie. Nothing special really, just an ordinary 2 hour visit. Well, maybe a little special. I’ve known Bobbie for the better part of 54 years, she’s my best friend’s mother and Bobbie is 97 years old. Bobbie lives in an assisted living complex a few miles from her son, my best friend M, but she is sharp as a tack and aside from the fact that she lately is having trouble walking, Bobbie is quite healthy.

My family moved into our new house in Brooklyn on Brooklyn Day, June 3, 1959. That day I met M and Bobbie. M and I immediately became best friends and my mother and Bobbie did the same. M and I are best friends to this day, and until the day that she died a year and a half ago my mother and Bobbie were best friends.

One of the remarkable things about Bobbie is that until about three and a half years ago she was still driving. When we first met in 1959 she hardly ever drove, but her husband died of a massive heart attack in 1963 and she was forced to become independent. With her husband gone and two young sons to bring up, she made herself drive and do things that she thought she never could.

That got me to thinking. I wonder if I’ll be able to drive when (and if) I reach the age of 93. The idea of being without a car scares me. I’ve been driving since 17 and I love my independence. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have to be chauffeured around, to have to ask others to drive me to where I have to go, to not be able to just get in the car whenever I want to.

In her last six years my mother had Alzheimer’s and her driving had become hazardous to herself and others on the road. My sister and I were forced to take her car away. In the beginning, before the Alzheimer’s worsened and she could still reason a little, she was very unhappy. My mother was fiercely independent and had been driving since the early 1950s. Losing her car was to her the same as being locked in a prison cell. My sister and I tried to reason with my mother, but nothing we could say could change her mind. She wanted her car back. I really do understand the feeling.

I don’t know. Liz and I talk about moving back into the city or just moving into a smaller house. I’d love to be back in the city, not sure about the smaller house, but I stop short when I realize that I’d probably have to give up a car. I don’t think I’d like that at all. I can’t imagine being without a car. It is one of the scariest thoughts I’ve ever had.

I give Bobbie a lot of credit. She was able to recognize when the time had come for her to stop driving. I don’t know that I’d be quite so able or willing to do the same. Do you think you’d be able to give up your car and your ability to drive? Or, will your kids have to take your car from you?

 

I have no children so there is no one to do any taking. I have always said that the day I can no longer drive is the day I take my last drive permanently, if you understand me.

 

I was just reading an article yesterday on Alzheimer's/dementia that said that the ability to drive is one of the first things to go, unfortunately, even in mild cases. My dad gave up driving at 93 on his own - one of the few. He had gotten seriously lost once and had to think through the turns to get somewhere. Not a good thing. My mother is still driving at 91 but I keep a close eye on how she is doing. The parking lot at her grocery store is a particular concern. It's a mess. I drive her to doc appts. I'm not sure how I would feel about it myself. I live in an urban environment which will make it easier and I'm not driving much now. We take the subway and taxis, or walk. But I do want to get in the car and go when I feel like it. So...

 

As you all know, +1 has had some health issues that were troublesome. He did not feel that driving was a good idea until he got stronger and was better able to react quickly. I'm proud of him for saying I just don't feel comfortable with my ability to drive at this point. I drove him wherever he wanted/needed to go. He's driven a couple of times recently and enjoyed getting behind the wheel and felt good about it. However, his corvette stingray sits in the garage under a cover and he does not feel he's up to driving it at this point. I really hope he reaches a point he can, but feel very good in knowing he'll not drive it unless he feels he's capable. I'd really hate to lose my driving ability and have no idea how I'd handle such a thing.

 

Will be tough but I think I'm smart enough to give it up....at least I hope so.

 

There are certainly a lot worse things than giving up driving. I would like to think I'd know when to hang up the keys . . . that's why I married a younger woman.

 

That's what Jim did. He didn't seem to mind not driving at all and if memory serves (I'm not that much younger ) he went without driving for a solid 6 or so weeks. He has driven a few times (2 or 3) recently. If we go out together he always hands me the keys. I do think he misses driving the corvette and seems to be in no hurry to get rid of it. I'm really sorry his health sitch has made his reflexes slow. However, I think it is a very wise person who voluntarily decides not to drive when he/she does not feel fully alert and able.

 

I had a 3-4 weeks after each shoulder surgery when I could not drive. I was NOT happy about it at all. I know I whined about it here on S2KI. Relying on someone to take me to the store, the doctors, PT, and work, wasn't fun at all. I hope I know when to give up driving, and I realize there are worse things in life. However, going where I want, when I want to and not having to rely on anyone to take me there will be difficult to give up. Maybe it's a bit easier if you have a mate to depend on, but if you don't, you may feel that you have to impose on people. I know I did, if Rick wasn't available to take me where I needed to be.

My Mom is still driving at 91. She doesn't go far, but truth be told, I'm not sure she should be driving. I don't think her reflexes are the best and she's had a couple fender benders/close calls in the last few years. However from a very selfish point of view, with all her appointments, it would not be easy for me or my sister if Mom stops driving. We are both working. Mom willingly accepts a ride to her destination whenever one is offered. She is having a hard time walking and being picked up at her door and dropped off at the door of her destination makes it easier for her.

 

Even though he is reticent about driving, I'm sure +1 would be fine if he had to drive. We really don't have to drive far to get where we need to go and drs, pharmacies, grocery stores, shopping, etc. is only a mile or two in either direction. It gets hairy down here when tourist season arrives and they have no idea where they're going, don't give signals, hit the brakes suddenly, etc., pull out in front of you and so on. We try to do what we need to do early in the morning before they're awake and then hang out at our casita most of the time.
I remember the horrors of dependency when I had the back injury! I HATED IT.

 

At 91 I could probably handle the driving; but, I'd want someone along to keep reminding me where I was driving to.