It has not been a good month in the land of brothers. My brother in law is very ill with a poor prognosis. He lived a pretty healthy life style, quit smoking years ago, exercised, watched what he ate, kept busy, socialized with people and golfed frequently.

My brother (66) is also ill and frankly a mess. He has lived a life of excesses. Too much food, and became very obese. Too much drink, and in denial about the need to quit in spite of health issues. Bad knees and his life style choices removes the possibility of knee replacement. He's had other issues during his life as well, maybe some of his excesses are simply self medication. He retired 10 years ago. He's got a pension, good insurance, no debt and I'm sure a healthy 401 balance, yet his life has actually gone down hill since he retired. He's now got real difficulty getting around due to new health issues and after a recent hospital stay is at a local facility for PT and Occupational therapy. If he doesn't "dig deep" do what he must to gain some mobility and permanently change his habits, it's possible he won't even be able to live at home. His supportive wife who takes more crap than anyone should is devastated.

My heart is for my brothers, more so for my brother in law (whom I love like a brother) than my own brother. I'm admittedly angry at my brother. His choices have led to where he is now. His problems are self inflicted. I realize there are many factors in his type of situation but like many, his choices take the whole family along on his "ride."

I don't usually put this kind of personal stuff on this forum, but I'll consider you all my therapists for today. Many of you have likely been down this road with family members and may want to get a few things off your chest. Feel free to post your thoughts. You may find this post deleted by tonight, as I'm hitting "post" now, but I may feel the need to hit "delete" later.

 

I have more difficulty with the poor choices of those who are close relatives than I can even begin to go into here. It affects me more than I'd want to admit and my heart is broken a lot. I'd like to say that I overcome that pain and enjoy my days and much of the time I can, but some days I feel very blue. I know for a fact that +1's health is affected by these things as I cannot help but notice when he or I get phone calls from those folks, his heart problems increase, he has problems sleeping and then we both pay the price for the choices of others. It is tough, Lainey. I feel your pain.

 

Lainey, the longer I live the more stories I hear that are similar to yours (and mine). I think it's more the norm than the exception. It may not always be drinking that's the problem or becoming obese but some kind of self-inflicted problems that are hard to watch.

 

I totally agree. Looking at others from the outside doesn't always portray the true picture. As I've learned to know my neighbors more, they share more of their sad things and yet they look so great from the outside looking in. The same is probably true of us as well. I've vented on the forum from time to time as much as I dare and I appreciate it. This is my "go-to" place to have fun, occasionally boo-hoo and move on as best I can.

 

Thank you ladies. Already feeling the S2K

 

Lainey, I've also learned that I would rather keep my own troubles if we could all throw them into a pile and could take someone else's instead.

My sister and her husband spent 3 hours in a counseling appointment yesterday, to deal with her husband's brother, and the brother's wife, who are sure they know better on child rearing than my sister does. That just sounds like hell to me. Kinda of a payback though, too, since my sister and her husband once had a sort of "intervention" to tell me that I was messing up with Kyle, when he was 3 years-old. Considering my sister never raised a child, that really pissed me off. Kyle just got his Master's and will get his PhD next year. I guess I did alright, after all.

 

So true, Patty. My troubles pale compared to many.

People can be very judgmental when it comes to child rearing. Sometimes those without children have the most to say.

Like all families we've had issues/disagreements, but we do (As Granny say), circle the wagons when needed. I may be a bit angry with my brother, but I'll call, visit and send cards to support him in his mission to better health. I realize there are some things people have to do for themselves.

 

I was just talking to Val about some family stuff and the need to establish boundaries for your own health and wellbeing. Basically, control the things you can and offload the rest. Easier said than done, of course. Some people who look/sound the happiest turn out to be dealing with the most problems. This certainly applies to some of our Vintage family members. Like you, they don't usually share their problems online or in person, but sometimes it's not a bad idea. It helps us relate to each other on a more personal level. I know it did this past weekend in Winchester. Most of us have known each other for quite awhile, so it's nice to be comfortable enough to share our experiences.

 

So true, Deb! I work with someone who has a tendency to see the negative side of everything in life. It's not easy spending many days around the negativity that abounds. A smile seems difficult for some people. I mentioned that I had been with happy smiling people all weekend. That I knew some of these people had problems, health issues and yet they were still smiling. Hope he gets the hint.

While at SF, I mentioned to one Vintage +1 that she was always smiling. Her response "Why not?" I the attitude of our Vintage pals.

 

We all make poor choices in our lives, and the end costs of those choices are higher for some folks than for others. No one knows that better than me. After my initial diagnosis, I beat myself up for a day or two. But it didn't help. I've since moved on to other things. As it turns out, after meeting with a specialist, my diagnosis was changed. I'm told that those bad choices I made probably had nothing to do with my condition. Although, they most likely didn't help either.
I mean this in the kindest way possible, as I 'm sure you know, but I don't see much point in being pissed off at your brother. It isn't constructive and he already has more than enough to deal with in his life.

And feel free to delete me anytime, almost everyone else does.