I am curious how much direct influence other parents have on their children's choice of a future mates. Sure, we all bring up our children with our sets of values and so on, but when it comes time for them to choose a mate, I don't know what I should do as a parent. So I am looking for advice from those who have lived through that phase of their children's lives.

Do you have pre-set conditions for your children (such as must be of a certain race, certain religion, certain education level, and so on).
Should the parents "approve" a candidate (if not asked by the son or daughter)?
What if the son/daughter asked? What (and how much) should the parents say?
Should the parents try to "hook up" their son/daughter? Many cultures still have matchmakers and arranged marriages.
What if the son/daughter brings home someone you really dis-approve?
How important is the candidate's family in this discussion? What if I (as a parent) think the candidate is OK but cannot get along with the "potential inlaws"? Should I tell my son/daughter to forget it or just keep quiet?

Thanks.

 

1. No
2. No
3. As little as possible, and if you can't say anything nice...
4. No
5. The authorities are still looking for the pieces.
6. Keep quiet

Meddling usually does not acheive the desired results, so I stayed out of it. Everything has turned out fine.

Dean

 

I don't know if my advice on this topic is going to be helpful or not, but here is the short version of my advice, based on sad, sad experience.

My children are all grown up and in their 30's. Twin sons, and a daugher. One son is a committed bacholor, one is happily married, (though the daughter-in-law doesn't like me very much) and my daughter has been married twice, divored twice, and is currently involved with another just divored individual. My daughter is also mentally ill. I add this last bit of information to put what I am going to tell you in perspective.

My daughters first marrage was to a Mexican-american individual that, while he seemed to be a "nice" guy, worried me from the start. He just didn't seem to get the cultural differencies or seem to understand the mental illness (manic-depression) that my daughter suffered with. In the two years of their marriage, his answer to her moods was violence. the marriage ended in a divorce, that I had predicted but kept silent about under the advice of her psychiatrist. Her doctor knew that this marraige was not right from the very beginning, but feared that obstructing it would "push her over the edge". i.e. suicide. I will regret the decision to not intervene for the rest of my life. The experience changed her, and to this day, I beleave she blames her mother and I for not doing more to stop it. Her second marriage ended after only one month. He was a great guy, from similiar background, but my daughter is mentally ill. She just doesn't think straight. Today, she is somewhat distructful of our advice, and counsel, because of all the bad things that have happened.

Now, having told you the short version of Our (my wife and I) story, this is my advice. While your child may want to have your blessing, be sure that you talk to them about your concerns. Culture, religion, race, education, and economics all play a BIG part of marriage. Make sure you have that one-to-one talk with your childs choosen mate, and be sure to be honest about your feelings. You are not a bigot because you care about your childs happiness. the more of the items mentioned above that they have in common, the better the match! but realize that no marriage has everything in common. Your child and his/her choosen mate need to sort all the differences out, preferably with a marriage counselor. Deciding how to handle disagreements that you know they will have before they arrive is easier that "fighting" it out in the marriage. And what ever happens, make sure that your child knows that you love them, and care for them, and support them, what ever their decision. Just be sure they know how you feel about their choice, and realize it is their choice. No matter how much you may want to live your childs life for them, protect them, direct them, pick a mate for them, they will make choices that you do not agree with. Just love your kids. And remember, if they choose differently than you would have prefered, just be there if things go wrong.

I don't know what event caused you to post this question, but thank you . this holiday season, my daugter comes home with number three, and I am just a little nervous about it all. thinking though your questions helps, since I really don't have anyone to talk to about it. Good luck, from one parent to another.

 

We were VERY fortunate in this department. The young woman my son married is a sweetheart, a hard worker and a wonderful mommy to our granddaughter.

We could not have asked for better daughter in law, so the choice as to butt in or not butt in never had to be made. I'm not sure how good I would have been at keeping my mouth shut, if the circumstances had been different.

Good luck with your daughter.

 

I think your question goes to the heart of how you and your son/daughter's relationship has evolved.

Do you normally make decisions for them?
Do you normally inject your opinion on their choices?
Do you feel you have to guide them through life?

Bottomline if you haven't instilled your value system on them by the time they are choosing mates, it sounds like it's a losing battle.

 

Not any more than they control other aspects of their children's lives, and usually a lot less than that.

 

My mother and father wanted me to marry a Jewish girl. I came home with a Chinese girl. My mother and father weren't very happy, but they didn't want to lose a son. That was 25 years ago. Liz and I have been happily married for 22 years, and we have two of the most beautiful children you've ever seen.

My mother and father quickly accepted Liz and loved her like a daughter. Liz gave one of the most emotional and beautiful eulogies I've ever heard at my father's funeral two months ago.

I think what I am trying to say is that you have to let your children make their own decisions, find their own happiness. You can offer guidance, but you can't stand in their shoes.

 

Thank you for all your comments. They are all very true and very helpful.

And ralper, thank you for sharing your story. But what I want to know is how did your parents communicate to you that they "wanted [you] to marry a Jewish girl". Did they come right out and tell you "We expect you to marry a Jewish girl!" Or was it just the subtle way you were raised that you knew what your parents expected?

And that also relates to what thetz99 said. In ralper's case, he knew what his parents wanted, but he went against their wish anyway. Would this be a failure of the parents (to instill their values) or a failure on ralper's part (too rebellious)? I know it all turned out fantastic in the end for ralper and his parents, but one never knows when the children goes against the parent's wishes on a choice of mate (as in LINESUPER's case).

I think we have very good relationships with our children. They have managed to make friends that we approve of and so there is no concern that we have not passed along our values to them. But what if we influenced our children too much? What if my son brings home a girl that is just like his Mom? Or worse yet, what if my daughter brings home a boy who is just like me?

Or what if we subtly influenced them that "we expect you to marry a ..." without even realizing it and it caused our children to pass up good potential candidates that did not measure up to our (perceived or expressed) expectations? I certainly do not wish to do that to my children. Being a parent is a life-long job, there is no quitting time.

 

Don't worry about that!

Your kids will fall for who they fall for. The most you can do to influence that is to limit their choices by limiting who they meet.

 

No, my parents never said anything like, "We expect you to marry a Jewish girl." Nor were they that religious. They were much more subtle. Growing up in a Jewish household in a largely Jewish neighborhood you got to know what was expected very early. You were expected to go to college, you were expected to make something of yourself, and you were expected to marry a Jewish girl, have children and raise them to be Jewish.

My Aunt Sarah's son, 15 years my senior, married a non-Jewish woman. My Aunt and Uncle actually sat shiva (the traditional Jewish ceremony after a funeral) for her son and lit funeral candles. My parents were younger and much more progressive, but still, there were certain traditions and "givens" that they expected. My parents never would have done anything like that, but, they tried very hard to influence me from a very early age, to see things their way.

I don't think it was a failure on my parents part (to instill values) nor do I think it was a failure on my part (too rebelious). I don't think anyone failed. I simply met and fell in love with Liz. What it came down to is that I wanted to marry her and she (thankfully) wanted to marry me. I was 28 when I met her and able to make my own decisions.

An aside to all of this is that Liz's mother also felt the same way. She didn't want her daughter to marry a Jewish boy. Liz's mother spoke very little English but when she met my mother they managed to agree that they were both very worried. Luckily, within a short period they both came around.