Does anyone have any experience with getting rid of moles? I mean moles of the four-legged variety, not the huge hairy one on Aunt Hortense's nose.
My backyard seems to be full of them, and the dogs have been digging HUGE holes trying to get at them. I don't really want to kill them, and poisons are out of the question anyway because of the dogs. I just want to serve them an eviction notice so they'll move elsewhere. I don't think that trapping would work for me either. I haven't been able to find any of their tunnels, but the dogs have found several and killed two moles. I also found another one dead from an apparent suicide in my pool. Rumor has it that he had become inconsolably despondent after discovering that Minnie is a lesbian.

Dean

 

so this is not a mole but you get the idea

 

I think Martha and the neighbors might get a tad miffed if I re-enacted Caddy Shack in my backyard.

Dean

 

Yeah, but it'd be damn funny, Dean.

 

No one will sell me a rocket launcher. I've asked.

Dean

 

Dean

What you need to do is send George W. Bush a letter explaining to him that you have oil in your backyard, but the area has been invaded by evil moles. You have to explain that they have been spotted producing WMDs, and they are actively denying freedom to the other inhabitants of your yard. End the letter by explaining that you know that the other animals in your yard will be thankful for all of the help he can provide, and that they'd like to have elections to elect a new head animal by the end of next month. Relief will very quickly be on the way.

Pretty soon you won't have any moles in your yard. Unfortunately you won't have much yard left either. Sometimes you just have to destroy the yard to save it.

 

I'd really like to keep my yard. How about I just tell Dubya that I have gay moles conducting weddings in my backyard. I'll bet that Pat and Jerry would be here in a heartbeat to stomp them suckers flat.

Dean

 

We get gophers here. We've been told to get Juicy Fruit gum and chew up about 3 sticks and then bury it in one of their holes. They are supposed to eat it and then can't digest it so they die. We tried it. They were blowing bubbles and flipping us the bird. Didn't work.

BTW, I'm really glad you didn't say you had cancer in a mole. That's what I was expecting.

 

No, that wouldn't work either. They'd want a Constitutional amendment to prevent gay mole marriages and that could take years.

I say destroy the backyard to save it. I kind of like that logic.

I heard Rumsmole is on his way.

 

What, no Condaleeza Mice?!

BTW, Happy Channukah.

Dean