The Raptor

Me Lords and ladies of the Royal Court, the religious fantasy of Jonah and the Whale. Now the Great Lord was rockin in his rosy red rockin chair one hallelujah mornin when he looked down upon a great body of water and he spied a little mortal. The little mortal was about five foot two and his name was Jonah. Jonah was gettin his kicks on the beach on the beach, jumpin and jivin and singin in the sunshine and the melody so fine. Now when the Great Lord has something he wants to have done upon the earth he calls upon one of his favorite chillin. So the Lord called Gabe and Gabe swung with the Book and the Lord put the sound on Jonah. And the Lord say "I, dig you, Jonah. I dig you, Jonah. I dig you, Jonah cuz Jonah is the Lord's sweet boy. And Jonah say "Man, what is that sound goin down. Sounds like 76 jazz bands jumpin off. Makes me want to jiggle and wiggle. Lift my head up and say oooooheeeee, Good Mornin Lord." The Lord say "Good mornin, Jonah. I got a little favor to ask you." And Jonah say "ain't that wild, ain't that crazy? Not but six million cats for the Lord to put his finger on and he choose Jonah. Aint that gone, ain't that groovy?"

And the Lord say "Jonah, I want you to cross the Red Sea and take a message to the Israelites, dey squarin up over there." Jonah say "You don't mean this big pool, do ya, Lord? PhhhBoom. You must mean some little Jonah-sized pool. PhhBoom" The Lord say "Put your nose into the wind and the message will come to you." So Jonah puts his great nose into the north wind -- it was not there. He puts his nose into the south wind -- it wass not there. He puts his nose into the east wind -- it was not there. But, he puts his nose into the hallelujah west wind -- it was there! So he traveled for three days and 15 seconds until he came to a great group of cathedral-like trees liftin their heads up in suffocation to the Master. And down at the bottom of these Giant Sequoias Jonah spied growin a strange green vine. And Jonah say "Just like Brigham Young, this is it." So he sat down beside it and admired of it and he selected from it and he swung of it and he say "Look out, here come Jonah and he ready as the day is long." Boom, cutting a breast like a bee through the wave. He swam for six hours and 11 seconds until, suddenly, fatigue overcame Jonah. He was floating on his back, goofin in his eyebrows, and he went to sleep. He slept for seven hours and 42 seconds.

When he woke, what did he see? I'll tell you what he say, he say the Whale. What did he say when he saw the Whale? "Git me from this scene immediately." And the Whale say "Every time I stick my nose up from this pool I sure see some crazy jazz, but this here is the bendin end." Jonah say "Whatchu mean the bendin end, Mr. Whale." The Whale say "Lookit dat, it talk, too." Jonah say "Course I talk, Mr. Whale. Don't you dig the the marine news? Ain't you hip to what's goin down round dese waters?" The whale say "Take it easy." Jonah say "Ain't no takin it easy, Mr. Whale. It's a big pool. You groove your way, I'll groove my way. I'll swoop da scene and dig you later." The whale say "heh, heh, heh, lookit dat. Little bit a nuthin, two million miles from nowhere, tryin to hep me, the King of the Dip, what the lick is. I gotta good mind to gobble you up. Jonah say "Don't you do dat mr. Whale, cuz if you do I'll knock you in your most delicate gear."

The Whale say "That do it." And Hrrrmmpphhh, he swallow Jonah. Here's Jonah inside this great sea mammal, huffin and puffin, wearin and tearin, slippin and slidin. He couldn't go out the front end and he fraid to go out the back end. He gits down to the bottom of these great blubbery rugs, he looks up at dis huge, dark canyon, and he lets out this loud pitious wail "Lord, Lord, can you dig me in dis here fish?" And the Lord say "I got you covered, Jonah." And Jonah say "Man dat cat's got such a sense olf humor, maybe dat's why I dig da cat so much. Tellin me he's got me covered, he's got me suuuuurounded." The Lord say "Jonah, reach in yer wallet-tight pocket and git some of the cigarettes ya got from the great tree and courage will returb to you.

So he did. Here's Jonah inside this great sea mammal, smokin dis strange cigarette, watchin the pistons pound and go poom! Watchin the great valves expandin and eeeeeexpaaaandin. Suddenly' the Whale say "Jonah." And Jonah say (long inhaling sound} "What is it fish?" And the Whale say "What is it fish?" And Jonah say "Yeah, what is it fish!" You got a new captain in dis here mass mess. I'm not outside no more, I'm inside now. The Whale say "What is you smokin in dere?" And Jonah say "Never you mind what I'm smokin in here, I'm the new captain in dis here mass mess, as I done splained to you before.

The Whale say "Quit stompin all over the engine room. Why don't you sit down and cool yerself a spell. You gettin da ride fer free. Jonah say "I'll stomp all over this engine room long as I want What is this here wheel?" The Whale say "Don't mess wit dat, dat's my darlin wheel." Jonah say "I'll mess with dat wheel as long as I want What is dis here lever?" The Whale say "Jonah, boy, that's my full speed ahead lever." Jonah say cool." The whale say it ain't cool, we in da shallow water." Jonah say "Dat's all I want to know." And FaaBoom, he pushed the giant sneezemeter and faabaam, blew him out on the cool, groovy sands of serenity.

Which just goes to show what Confucius say many, many years ago: "Hung ping tsao ping tsao." Which translated, briefly means: "If you get to it and you cannot do it, then there you jolly well are.....heh heh.....aren't you?"

(I have that committed to memory with several distinct voices. It's much better in person.)