My mom is 87 and has been dealing with some tough medical for the last 5-7 years.
She has atrial fibrillation and interstitial lung disease. Either of those conditions could have done her in.
The lung aspects have her on O2 around the clock.
Last year without she lost 80+ pounds without trying due to digestive issues.
If it had been voluntary it would have been great as she was probably overweight by that amount.
Pseudo gout had her knees mucked up for quite a while before they figured out what was going on.
This also limited her mobility
On the other side of the coin she is mentally fairly sharp. She knew a good dozen phone numbers from memory to get in touch them.

However she is back in the hospital again. She went in with chest pains.
An MRI revealed an area of concern where her gall bladder once was ( it had previously been removed when she had bad gall stones.)
Eventually it was determined she had a UTI and was hit with heavy antibiotics.
While there they wanted to do a biopsy of the area of interest.
My mother, who was once a PA, pre-empted them with the suggestion that they do a CA125 test.
The CA125 is a check for a cancer antigen. The test came back positive.
I pretty sure the area of interest is cancerous and is probably why she lost all of the weight last year.
It is also the area which is where she is feeling significant pain. As of right now, she hasn't shared the diagnosis with anyone.

30 years ago my mother provided care for a family friends parent who was suffering from cancer and watched her "fight" cancer.
She also watched another family friend succumb to the brain cancer.
So my mother is very familiar with the battle.
Right now it kind of looks like I'll get to be the ferryman on this final journey. She has a DNR and I'm her designee for care decisions.
I don't expect her to go through chemo or any extraordinary measures but ultimately it will be her decision.
I have two siblings, an older sister and a younger brother both who have been estranged from my mother for a while.
There is no estate to bicker over as she's broke.
My mother vacillates between not informing my siblings and letting them know. Guess who will be the conduit if and when?
I'm not close to my siblings, for a long time 'I was the bad guy" who drove her financial decisions.
While nothing could be farther from the truth, for had she listened to me, she would be fiscally ok now. But C'est la vie.
At this point, I don't know if my mother has 3 days, 3 weeks, months or years.
The rehab facility has brought up palliative care as a consideration.

So we've started the process of planning the when steps.
At 87, there simply are not may of her friends left. so it is mostly family.
Of her generation, she has a younger brother and his wife, my father's remaining brother and two sister-in-laws from my dad's side
I fear for the impact on them. None are in what one would refer to as robust health.
She hasn't been very religious, so a service is unlikely other than a graveside in Maine where my Dad is. .
I'll likely be bringing her ashes up to Maine.
In some respects this could be Waiting For Godot.
I have no desire to rush the demise of my other but I don't want her to suffer either.

 

Sorry to read. I guess I could say all sorts of things that I'd do if I were in her situation, but ultimately you're right -- it is her decision. Just know your friends care about you and are sad for this journey.

 

I am sorry for your Mom's current predicament. My mother is 90 years old and after living with us for 3 years, she is back with my sister and her husband in Dallas. I went to see them last week. She seemed to have aged more since we last saw her about 6 months ago. She is a little more frail but just as stubborn as ever. We butted heads a great deal when she was with me. I think she feels more comfortable with my sister. My sister probably puts up with her better than I do.

I felt bad for my sister as she mainly cares for her. In back of my head, I am thinking she may one day be coming back to me. It is not easy prioritizing everything around your mother while laying aside your own life. My sister and I are the only ones who can open our homes for my mother. My younger brother and his wife are not in any position to provide care for my mother. Life happens and there is never good time for anything unpleasant along the way. It has been a gloomy day for my family.

 

I think of your mom's generation as being really tough one. They made it through some damn tough years before the good times of the 1950s. My mother survived breast cancer but finally at age 88 she died of MDS, a form of blood cancer. I was so very thankful she sold her house in PA and moved to MI to be with us in her final years. Still she was alway independent right up to the end. God bless her. I took her to blood transfusions weekly and whatever else needed done that she could not do herself. She lived on her own in an limited assisted facility as she was still able to do her own cooking. In hindsight I just wish I would have done more "fun things" with and for her in the final years!!

 

Sorry to hear this, Jerry. Many of us have been down this road. It's never easy. Glad mom has her faculties and can make her own decisions. Hugs.

 

Very sorry to hear you are going through this. For what it is worth, when my grandmother went downhill at 91, we ended up putting her in hospice care and they took extremely good care of her and kept her very comfortable. She started declining into severe dementia and it was only a matter of time, and hospice was an excellent choice there. They know then that they are not trying to "save" her but rather keep her as comfortable as possible which is what she needed.

Nothing prepares us for having to deal with this with our family. Especially our parents. It is good though that you get to be the one to help her through this part of the journey. It is and will be hard on you, but you will forever know you got to spend this remaining time with her. It is not the happiest of time, but it is the time that she has left and she knows she can lean on you to help her through it. That matters more than I am sure any of us know.

 

I am also sorry to hear this Jerry. In my daily life I come across a lot of elderly people who seem trapped in lonely old apartments, I often wonder how they get by on their own, and even more so about how depressing it must be for them. I then come home and tell my wife I don't want to get "that old" . I often wonder how is the best way to die. I seen my father pass away from a terrible disease, then I start to think cancer isn't as bad as his disease, but that doesn't mean much to someone who has cancer. End of life is a very difficult subject for me, it brings me down when I should be worrying about maximizing my current days. I just hope your mother doesn't suffer and she finds some happiness having you near her and assisting her in her greatest time of need. They surely did it for us when we were young. All the best going forward with this.

 

It is not easy watching parents age, but my only suggestion is to spend as much time with them as you can. I was responsible for my aunt's and both my parents' financial and medical decisions in their waning years. My aunt for nine years (1998-2007) in assisted living and my parents from about 2006 to 2015, most of it in their home. I saw them almost every day. It was a lot of years, but I would not trade any of it. It definitely helps to be organized. I am a big believer in hospice care when needed. Good luck with whatever decisions you make.

 

Joey, I'll take my cardiac events from my Dad's side thank you. Boom that's it.
I'm too much of a control freak. I couldn't do long term disease. it'll be bucket list time until I can't play then I'll resolve the matter

A quick story: I recognize a distinct upside to all of this is I can plan and discuss with my mother prior to needing execute a funeral/ service and so forth.
My maternal grandmother passed away in '77 2 years after my dad died. My mom and her two brothers had to go to the funeral home to discuss arrangements.
None of my mothers family was petite. My mom was 5'10" in her younger days,
One uncle was only 6'1" but a good 350 lbs, had worked construction most of his life and had the nickname Bear. The youngest was 6'7" and probably 265.
So they went off to see the funeral director. My grandmother was named Gladys and she was rather frugal.
She would do without until she could afford what she wanted wanted and at the right price.
Some might call her cheap but she wasn't as she was very generous. She just had an idea of what she wanted and that was it.
While her birth name was Gladys, is was rarely used, she was known as Brownie, Nute, or nana.
As they were proceeding through the options it came time to pick out a casket.
The funeral director obviously wanted to make some money and made the effort to step them up which went nowhere.
When he came out with " Now don't you think Gladys would have really wanted to have something a little nicer?"
Bear had had enough, utterly enraged he rose slowly, outstretched his fingers on both hands while inhaling heavily, slowly made fists with both hands and thumped the desk with his knuckles.
He slowly turned and walked out. My mother suggested to the funeral director he reconsider his choice of words in the future.
Things went smother after that.
I won't be in that emotional post death state. I take after my grandmother and I am an A$$hole and don't really care what folks think.

 

When my father in law passed, the funeral home showed us caskets. They were, of course, expensive. At that time, there was a company from whom you could purchase a casket and the funeral home had to accept it. This was relatively new at the time, not sure it's a thing right now. My brother in law tried to get a discount on the coffin. It was a no go. Off we went to the "casket store" which was really a metal building. There, we purchased a casket which was as nice as the one we had seen and it was at least 1K less.

We don't need/want any of that stuff. As a matter of fact, I have been thinking we should make our own arrangements at some point in the not too distant future.

My Dad had all his arrangements made well before his passing. After he passed, my mother told my sister "I want what Dad had, except for a wake." All arrangements were made and paid for long before her passing.