Why not us?

This is the question that the heterosexual men of America are asking themselves today. Like the sexual revolution of late 1960s and early 1970s, the gay revolution of the "oughts" stands to turn the previously accepted paradigm of sexual interaction on its ear. The straight American male has heard exaggerated tales of the non-stop bacchanalia that many assume is the homosexual lifestyle. He has watched his attractive female friends experiment with lesbianism for various intervals, always readily re-accepted as hetero- or bi-sexuals when they return to dating men, without damage to their reputations or loss of respect. He may have even read of the customs of ancient Sparta, where it was considered perfectly acceptable for a man to take a young boy as a lover. Such historical food for thought probably doesn't inspire many straight males to purchase trampolines, Playstations and NAMBLA memberships, but it may make them wonder why it's considered "hot" for their female friends to make out with each other, but "gay" (with the attending negative connotation) for them to try the same thing with other guys.

Despite the recent opening of television standards to homo-centric programming such as Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (NBC) and Boy Meets Boy (Bravo), there persists in American culture a stigma attached to homosexual behavior at even the most enlightened levels of society. This stigma exists no longer at an official institutional level, but at the individual level, when a straight male considers such a label applied to himself. He recognizes the legitimacy of the homosexual orientation; yet he immediately perceives a threat to his masculinity when his own sexuality is called into question. The problem is that, through the ages, from Manifest Destiny through World War II to American cultural imperialism, American "rugged individualism" has embedded itself at the core of the straight man's psyche as a set of values which implicitly forbid any sexual union not ordained by the Christian god. As a consequence, any transgression of these values is seen as a forfeiture of macho status. This article does not aim to change the collective consciousness of Western culture; rather, its goal is to examine and exploit some loopholes in the "laws" of masculinity - loopholes which allow the straight man to explore the extended spectrum of sexuality while maintaining his heterosexuality unbesmirched.

Some cultural theorists have postulated that the trends of Gay TV and "metrosexual" fashion signal the fetishization of the male body, and portend the enveloping of the male psyche into the cult of the body which has driven feminine consumerism for decades. What this truly portends, however, is some balls-deep assing.

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Myth Vs. Reality

Let's identify some of the common ways for a 100% straight man to engage in gay sex, along with some of the common misperceptions. Remember, we're not telling you how to experiment with homosexuality - you can figure that out on your own. We're showing you how to do it while still being able to tell the Duke that you're all man.

#1 - It's Not Gay If You Pull Out MYTH. This is patently false, proven by the fact that gay porn has money shots. Just like pulling out to unload on some tits doesn't make you gay, pulling out of the manhole to paint Hawaii on some dude's back doesn't keep you straight.

#2 - It's Not Gay If You're In Prison TRUTH. Just like rape is less an act of sex than it is of power, so gay prison sex is more about status and dominance than actual homosexuality. And hey, should you find yourself having a good time, this doesn't make you any less straight - it's only if you start robbing the 7-11 next to the police station just to get some guilt-free cock that you need to start questioning your identity.

#3 - It's Not Gay If You're Just Getting a BJ From a Guy AMBIGUOUS. Here we have a case with subtle distinctions - this can still be 100% straight if A) he's paying you and B) you need the money for hard drugs. If you can afford the crack without the john's patronage, then you should admit that you are at least a little bit gay; it's ok.

#4 - It's Not Gay If It's Gay Pride Month MYTH. Sure, any guy can get excited about the Super Bowl, even if he's not really a football fan. But if you're going to be hanging out the window of a red, white and blue Fiero trailing a ten-foot Puerto Rican flag on Puerto Rican Pride Day, you should probably be Puerto Rican. The same goes for gayness.

#5 - It's Not Gay If It's With a Spaniard MYTH. This rumor has persisted around Providence, RI for some time, and no one is sure why, as it is completely untrue. It may be more exotic, it may be more fun, there may be a greater likelihood that your partner has not bathed his ass in weeks, but it is by no means less gay.

#6 - It's Not Gay If Your Partner Is Under Age 12 TRUTH. The question to ask yourself is, are you a man of the cloth? If not, simply complete divinity school as quickly as possible, and you can do whatever the hell you want with the offspring of anyone who is still foolish enough to raise their children Catholic.


#7 - It's Not Gay If You're Too Drunk to Drive TRUTH. Most everyone has woken up next to someone whose level of attractiveness barely qualifies as human, and yet we still consider ourselves attractive people; a similar standard is at work when it comes to gayness. The yardstick here is your level of drunkenness - if you are, in the vernacular, a "twelve-beer queer," consider yourself 100% straight. If, however, you are a "two-beer queer," you may as well drop the "two-beer" pretense.

#8 - It's Not Gay If It's Your Uncle MYTH. This one has a gray area. While being touched inappropriately (or completely railed) by an uncle is not necessarily gay, neither is it likely to be very enjoyable. Therefore, for the purpose of our study, the point is moot. If it is you who are ing your uncle, you should know that this is essentially the gayest thing you can possibly do.


#9 - It's Not Gay If It's With an Animal TRUTH. This, strangely enough, is true. It's really no gayer to a bull in the ass than it is to a cow in the vagina, so feel free to go to town in this case. However, it should be noted that if you suck the bull's cock, it then becomes gay.

#10 - It's Not Gay If There's a Girl Involved TRUTH AND MYTH. This is true, as long as you're on her opposite ends, or at least in different holes. A little congratulatory ass-slapping, even feeling the other guy's wang through the ass/vagina walls is within the acceptable margin, but if he's doing her while you're doing him, your hetero status drops by a few percentage points.

#11 - It's Not Gay If You're Only Doing It to Impress a Girl TRUTH. While admittedly counterintuitive, this is true. Just like you love to watch two girls make out, so do many girls love to watch guys engaged in gay sex (nothing turns a straight girl on like watching two guys do it). Hey brah, anything for some pussy, right? As long as you're in there, you might as well throw your ankles over your head, grab some hairy ass and enjoy yourself.

#12 - It's Not Gay If You're at the Proctologist's TRUTH. Number one, there's a legally binding confidentiality between doctor and patient, so your reputation will stay unsullied. Plus, consider this - the man has his hand up your ass, massaging your prostate - no one's going to blame you for blowing your wad onto the exam table.

#13 - It's Not Gay If You're In the Army TRUTH. This is the ultimate free pass for gay sex. Don't ask, don't tell, sure, but can you show me where they say "don't do?" You can't, because THEY DON'T. You can be as gay as you want, and as long as you're in the Army, it never happened. Go on, Be As Gay As You Can Be! Semper Fi, boys.


* * * * *

As America marches bravely into the future, we cannot forget the sacrifices of those courageous men who went before - the husbands, surprised by their wives while teabagging the mailman, the high-schoolers ostracized for nude locker-room rubdowns, the hairy, musky truckers caught doing 69 in the bathroom of a Flying J - these pioneers and their fearless exploration have blazed a trail for the rest of us. They have shined a light into the darkness, enabling us to finally solve the riddle of heterosexual gayness -so that we can safely and proudly enjoy the warm embrace of he-mouth and man-anus without confusion or shame. Now, if you will excuse me, Donovan has agreed to check my ass for polyps.

 

Uh, what's NWS?

 

It had pics but I erased them.

 

[QUOTE]Originally posted by MacGyver

 

Meredith doesnt like that stuff!

 

Here, let me substitute my latest...its appropriate to the thread

 

Rashel this is a pic from our last group drive in South Beach.

I assure we have a lot of fun together.
Glad to have you with us!!

 

Gan that may be the funniest pic i have ever seen. Me thinks you're out of the will with that one.....



LMAO


Mitch

 

well i jus got back from bb and it was EXACTLY like the pic!!! you were on the SPOT!
rashel