Off Topic XX
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 12,003
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From: I live in an ER
>
> How To Poop At Work
>
>
> We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
> in
> our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as
> we try
> to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those
> who
> hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
> at
> work.
>
> *CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
> the
> smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't
> know
> where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
> full fart
> has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
>
> your pants.
>
> *FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
> check for other poopers. If t here are others in the bathroom, leave and
> come back
> again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
> suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
>
> *ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in
> a
> stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If
> you
> release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If
> you
> are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you
> did
> not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
> involved.
> Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
>
> *JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
>
> pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
> should
> happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
> bathroom
> to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>
> *COUR T ESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
> hits
> the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
> the
> bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
>
> *WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
> you
> have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
> if
> someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
> that the
> smell does not exist Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
>
> *OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone
> proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
> bathroom
> with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the
> office for
> the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
>
> *THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
> together to ensure emergency poopin goes off without incident. This
> group can help
> you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
> identify
> SAFE HAVENS
>
> *SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
> can
> least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
>
> sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
> bathroom.
>
> *TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
> and
> tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
> vulnerable
> moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
> remain in
> the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
> uncomfortable eye contact.
>
> *CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
> bathroom
> that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
> to alert
> potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a
> SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
>
> *SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential
> Turd
> Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
> the
> stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
> immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
>
> *WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
> water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
> coming on,
> create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>
> *HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
> splashes in
> the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
> CAMO-COUGH
> with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
>
> *AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
> spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
> pot. An
> AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
> should
> always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
> well as
> the other bathroom attendees
>
>
>
> SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF
>
> The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It
> doesn't
> >
> > come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so
> hard.
> >
> > Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
>
> Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
>
> Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush,
> it's
> still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually
> happens at
> someone else's house.
>
> The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before
> it
> falls into the water.
>
> The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so
> long
> your legs go numb from the waist down.
>
> The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're
>
> trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
>
> The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you
> flush
> the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
>
> NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 12,003
Likes: 5
From: I live in an ER
Work Poop Calculator So you can add up how many times and how much money you make at work while pooping. 
