I saw a thread like this on quite a few forums and stole this joke from Georgia forums. I hope I don't get in trouble for trying to make people laugh and a joke a day keeps the doctor away

So enjoy and share whatever you have, and please try and read community standards before posting your jokes.
Thanks


An old man hadn't been able to hear for years. He finally went to see a doctor, who diagnosed the problem and restored his hearing. A month later the man returned for a follow-up.


"Your family must really be happy you can hear again, " the doctor said.
"Oh I haven't told my family yet," the man said. "I just sit around and listen to them talk. So far I've changed my will three times."

 

Only in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

 

03.28.08
submitted by: Doc
Speeding Ticket


While she was 'flying' down theroad yesterday, a woman passedover a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, ' What's your hurry?'

To which shereplied, 'I'm late for work.'

"Oh yeah,' said thecop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectumstretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered,'A what?............A rectumstretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said,'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what thehell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

 

For his birthday a little boy asked for a 10-speed bicycle. "Son, we'd give you one," the father said, "but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford in our current situation."

The next day the father saw the little boy heading out the front door with a suitcase, so he said, "Son where are you going?"

"Well" the boy said, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard mom tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike."

 

If you have sex with a hooker against her will is it rape or shoplifting?

 

good stuff. I see NT's post whore is back in action.

 

whats brown and rhymes with snoop?
























dr. dre!!

 

I think at least half of s2k owners keep their car in the garage. My s2k is in the garage. My brother's friend who details cars and airplanes for some change, his dad helped make the plans to build the house. His Garage is huge and can fit 4-6 cars I think. He and his dad own one nova each from the early 70s.

And who can forget the lambo lift garage? What is safer than hiding your car under your driveway haha.
http://jalopnik.com/5068261/subterranean-l...+built-countach

 

A pedophile and a kid are walking through the woods, and it starts to get dark. The child says "It's getting dark and i'm really scared" and the pedophile says "You're scared?!? I'm the one that has to walk back alone!"

 

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull$hit. I gotta go home and f&*k the cat."